I hate where I'm at sexually. I've been married 13 years, my husband is the only man I've been with outside of an awkward one night stand. I grew up in an environment preaching you don't talk about sex and if you do, it's a sin, but also its your marital duty. Then I got married and didn't know what to do or how to do it – just that it was my duty and I couldn't enjoy it because that would make me dirty and shameful. We mostly had a dead bedroom for most of our marriage due to all this. Fast forward to the past year – we restarted. Moved, new jobs, new house, I found a sex therapist, we recommitted to each other and constant open communication, etc.
Tonight my husband sent me flirty texts and dirty pics. I was emotionally drained and exhausted from a talk last night about us. I immediately just felt pressure to perform. Not fun, excited, turned on. Pressured. Tired. Even though he didn't place any expectations – just wanted to flirt with his wife. Then I got angry and filled with self-hatred. I hate myself. I don't want to be this person. I want to be someone confident, sexy, fun… instead I'm this miserable frigid woman refusing herself freedom and refusing her husband's attention. I've been trying so hard to grow.
Sometimes I feel I'll never reach my goal. I want to be confident. I want to be comfortable with my sexuality. I want to feel free to have fun. I've made progress, sure. I have fun with him. I initiate way more. We've tried a lot of new fun things. But I still have zero fantasies, little to no desire, panic attacks about sexual things, and I struggle to engage. When does it get easier? When do I become "normal" like everyone else?