Hey everyone, I’m writing because I need advice about my current situation.
I (27F) have a friend (28M — let’s call him John). We’ve been friends for about 2 years, but we weren’t very close at first. He is very introverted, has never had a girlfriend, and generally does not allow people to get close to him emotionally. Because of that, I always felt that the level of closeness we developed was significant and unusual for him.
This past summer, he went back to our home country and randomly called me twice, which felt a bit off since we never talked much before, but I didn’t think much of it.
After he came back, everything changed. We became very close. We started eating together, spending a lot of time together, and everyone around us assumed we were dating — but we weren’t. He was gentle and caring, held my hand, and made me feel comfortable. He doesn’t normally let people into his personal space, so this made the situation more confusing for me.
A few weeks ago, we had a big fight. I touched his beard playfully, and he said, “Don’t do that — that’s for my wife.” That shocked me. I asked if he didn’t want me to touch him at all, and he asked me, “When you get a boyfriend, would you still hold my hand?” I said no. He replied, “That’s why I don’t hold your hand intentionally.”
When he said that, something broke inside me. I went silent and stopped holding his hand or initiating the things he used to do with me.
He says he wants to keep the friendship, but his behavior keeps hurting me. He cancels plans, drops uncomfortable comments, and feels distant. Recently, while we were having dinner, one of his friends joked about our wedding and said I’m “wife material.” I stayed quiet, but John immediately said, “No, that’s not going to happen.”
About a week ago, I tried to talk to him about how much his behavior has changed and how it affects me, but he didn’t take responsibility or try to be part of a solution.
Now I feel confused, hurt, and unsure whether keeping this friendship is healthy for me, especially given how emotionally close we became and how suddenly he pulled back.
TL;DR:
My introverted friend (28M), who has never had a girlfriend and rarely lets people get close, became emotionally and physically close with me (27F), then suddenly set boundaries and publicly rejected the idea of us while still wanting to stay friends. I’m hurt, confused, and unsure whether to distance myself or try to save the friendship.