I (20F) and my mother (52F) have been in a very rocky and distanced relationship for as long as i can remember. She never clearly expressed her love towards my sister (28F) and me. There is an history of abuse (psychological, sexual and physical) with her ex-husband (my father) towards me. They divorced a few years ago. For context, i have recently been assessed for autism and have also been confirmed to have developed CPTSD from the treatment i've received from my parent.
Last year my mother found a new partner, issue is, he has invaded our home after barely knowing her for 6 months.
He had a stroke and fell on his head in march, leading to head trauma. The hospital instructed him to stay with people he could trust (aka us) until he could get surgery. I understood in the beginning, as we were only supposed to keep him home with us for a few months, but this man has constantly triggered my CPTSD. He looks/acts the same as my abusive father once did, without adding the lack of hygiene and respect of others' boundaries. I don't feel safe around him.
I've tried my best to keep my anxiety attacks for myself for months, as well as my developing ED coming from all this anxiety, telling myself it would be okay and that he would be gone soon. This situation lasted from march to august.
During this time, i've also had to celebrate my 20th birthday with this man i didn't know trying to do everything to make this day about himself in front of my family. My aunt, her husband, and their children were all as uncomfortable as me and my brother were. The situation was probably the most awkward thing i've lived through and masking at that point seemed so impossible i ran away from the meal that was prepared for my birthday, ruining the party in the process.
My mother and brother went to visit family in the north side of France while i stayed in our apartment alone in late august. Apparently, buying my mom's boyfriend's groceries didn't go well and they exploded on each other. It may be a bit selfish to say but my brother (24M), sister and i were all hoping they would take their distances and that we could go back to as normal a life we had before.
I actually felt the anxiety slow down at that time. I was eating all of my meals again, stopped having hours long rushes of dread every night, and could actually take care of myself in peace after a while.
We're now in mid september. My mother's boyfriend has been admitted to the hospital again and is allowed to go out on weekends. Of course, my mother brings him back. I told her he made me anxious and uncomfortable multiple times between the time they left for vacation and their return in early september. She knew perfectly why, but would not listen or tell me "But he's nice". I started seeing a therapist with my own money i kept from working in 2023.
Getting closer to october, the anxiety came back in full swing until i finally gave up after a week of practically no sleep. She got mad at me for not coming out of my room while he was there. I told her we needed a discussion, obviously, and she dragged this for another week. I had to ask her every night to PLEASE talk to me.
When we finally arrived to this fateful talk on 11/10 (DD/MM), my mother asked how long it would take. She seemed impatient to get on with her life and to make me understand i wasn't important. So i then started explaining to her how difficult it was for me to keep sane in this environment. I was in tears, trembling, so overcome by my own anxiety i had trouble to speak properly.
This is still blurry in my mind as i was so overwhelmed and over the edge that my memories didn't register properly. All i can remember is my mother telling me she didn't understand, that i was doing this on purpose because "It's not your father, he's different and you don't have to act like that" and that i was jealous of her (i'd like to quote her words "jealous b****") for having found a "perfect" relationship. All i could remember saying out of despair was repeating "You never wanted to understood, you don't want to understand, and you will never want to understand" over and over again while literally choking on sobs.
My mother then proceeded to explode on me but i remember putting my noise cancelling headphones on at that time. The anger was mixed with dread and i couldn't handle hearing her berate me for something i can't control. I just screamed at her to leave me alone. Even with my headphones on, i could hear screaming in the whole apartment. It bringed flashbacks of younger years with my father and honestly dealt me the final blow that night.
We're now in november, my mom gave me the silent treatment ever since that fight. She hands me a biography about "undiagnosed bipolarity" while telling me to take a hard look at it with one the most condescending tone i've ever heard. Pretty ironic for someone who always told me mental disorders were only acting for attention. The book was touching, but i did not relate to it at all. In fact, that's when i started to question if all of this was abuse or not. Ever since i got that autism diagnosis, nobody's respected my boundaries. In fact, i feel like it's been worse than before i've had it confirmed to me.
Since we've had that fight and i read that book, i still haven't addressed her a single word, or even a nod. I categorically refuse to talk to her, and maybe i am starting to come to my sense that she may have been part or at least been complicit of that abuse i've lived through all my teenage hood and childhood.
TLDR – My (20F) mother (52F) may have been abusing me all of my childhood and seems to still be incapable to treat me properly. My recent autism & CPTSD diagnosis only made this worse as she now uses it as an excuse for everything being my fault while pushing her boyfriend into our family life knowing perfectly that he triggers my CPTSD. Is this abuse, and even if no, how could i possibly get out of this situation ?