Hi all,
I’ve (25F) been seeing this (25M) guy recently and so far, I’ve really liked him. He seems very communicative, emotionally intelligent, and generally aligns with what I’m looking for.
During the most recent time I saw him, things started to become sexual and I initially wanted it. I was into it until midway through, I developed this pit in my stomach and just wanted to cry.
He hadn’t made me feel unsafe or uncomfortable but I just randomly had this overwhelming urge to just sob.
I didn’t end up crying but I felt so close to it and ended up just crying by myself in the bathroom afterwards.
I was previously abused by a partner about three years ago and I really thought that it wouldn’t still be affecting me. I’ve done the inner work, I’ve seen other people since then, been wanting sex, etc. but then suddenly was so so sad.
I can’t tell whether this is a case of postcoital dysphoria or the trauma creeping back up or if it was just a temporary thing.
I just don’t know what to say to him now post sex because obviously he knew I was upset but I just couldn’t find the right words in the moment to express to him what I was feeling or why. I also am afraid of scaring him away with my trauma too soon.
Does anyone else experience this/what would you recommend as a general course of action with him?
TL;DR: crying after sex even though I initially wanted it, don’t know if it’s PCD or trauma or a different issue. Don’t know how to explain my reaction to the guy I had sex with.
10 comments
Ur body can remember things even when your mind feels “ready.”
You don’t owe him every detail but a simple, honest explanation and being gentle with yourself is a good place to start, healing isn’t linear & this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with u.
The first time I had sex with my second boyfriend, I started crying immediately afterwards. He held me and said, “would you like to talk about it?” I took a deep breath and said, “no, not really.” I was sad because it was the first time I’d had sex with someone who wasn’t the person I discovered sex with, but I was also ready to move on. My getting upset didn’t scare him off — that was the start of a six year relationship.
Send your guy a message, or talk to him on the phone. “Hey, I know I seemed upset after we had sex last time I saw you. I wanted to let you know it has nothing to do with you or anything you did. My reaction caught me by surprise too. I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk about the specific details yet, but I would like to see you again.”
If this guy is a good person, you having an emotional reaction won’t scare him off: he’ll give you space to process it. And if it does scare him off, then it’s probably for the best in the long run.
i’m not a professional by any means but i feel like maybe you’re still carrying some trauma. hopefully things get better, but if not maybe see a therapist about it
i feel like you should focus on yourself and try searching for help, and even if you think you desire it, like it happened here, you only truly did partially.heal yourself first and seek relationships second 🙏
I think it’s a deep down truama that you had
This happens to me sometimes, even with my husband who I love and adore and who is incredibly gentle and kind.
It is a trauma response from PTSD. Having been with an abusive partner and having non-consensual or violent sex will stay with you for a while.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Therapy can help, but honestly, time helps a lot too.
I’m going through the same thing with the girl I’m seeing. My plan is just to respect her boundaries. Next time I see her I’m not even going to be physical at all, that way I don’t set any expectations. Obviously consent is the most important thing. I’d recommend just being honest with him, communication truly is the best way to work through things. If he really cares about you, he’ll stay, and from what you say about him, it sounds like he does.
This is similar to my reaction. In fact, I can’t even have sex anymore because every time I do I feel very quickly like I’m being forced to and it makes me either want to cry or dissociate.
It does sound like what you’re experiencing is a trauma response. Hopefully this resolves on it’s own once you grow more comfortable with your partner, but it would be a good idea to seek professional help if you can afford it (then please get back to me on how to fix this jk).
Totally agree. It’s tough to untangle trauma. Talking to a therapist can really help you process those feelings!!
Tell him something.
You can be vague. Tell him your last sexual encounter before him caused some trauma, and some of that came up to the surface. Tell him that it has nothing to do with him and you very much want to be with him and be intimate with him.
Then maybe consider some therapy to heal some of that trauma…