We’ve been on and off for years. 2010-2017 then 2023-present. In the past he was an addict and abusive. Now, he’s neither of those things but still has bad habits like sleeping until 4am and waking up at 3pm. He doesn’t work, says he’s waiting for his cousins business to take off. He doesn’t show initiative in planning dates or outings. Getting him out of bed at a decent time is such a chore. He doesn’t have a bank account says he’ll probably never get one. He’s unreliable. Says he’ll do something and never does. He lives his life just talking about all the things he’s working on but nothing ever changes. He’s been at a sober home and became house manager for 3 years. I don’t see him making any moves towards moving out and getting his own place. I send him info for affordable housing, offer to fix his resume but he just says ok never does anything. Sometimes when I bring up goals or what he wants from the relationship he says I stress him out and he gets annoyed. Every time we hang out we have to get a hotel or hang out in the car. I refuse to ask him to move into my house I would basically be paying for everything and do not believe he would help. Although im proud of him for getting sober and I love him for being sweet, generous, funny, and caring, but these lackadaisical habits just don’t align with me and what I want in a partner and he’s just not at my pace of growth.
I’m applying to grad school, have a 9-5. Co-own my home and I am financially responsible. I take care of my mom and my own home issues (maintenance and repairs, I can’t even count on him for that) I love being on time. I love planning things. I love waking up early and getting coffee. I love taking day trips, going on walks, window shopping, or just spending time together but he does not like anything. He just wants to lay in bed all day every day.
I voiced this to him before and he just keeps saying he’s working on it but he’s literally not. Nothing changes and if it does it’s one weekend of him waking up to take me to brunch or run an errand. Then back to his normal patterns. He says he’s depressed and has episodes of isolation but he doesn’t see a therapist or develop healthy coping strategies. I’ve sent him info on how to find a therapist and have suggested he go on walks, write, or something! So I’m pretty tired of it and told him we just don’t align anymore. I don’t want to make him feel bad so I’m not blaming or offending him or nothing like that but I am being clear that this isn’t want I want. Well, he’s almost guilting me saying that he’s “in the middle of making things happen” and if I “don’t want to be apart of it” then it’s my decision. He’s also calling me impatient and anxious, saying that what I want from him (waking up before noon, getting a job, planning more dates, following through with his word, being more productive) isn’t going to happen over night and he will be enough for someone else.
I know in my heart I shouldn’t have to “wait” for someone to get their shit together. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been more than lenient for more than long enough. Are a person’s lackadaisical habits a reason to end a relationship?