Here is the context before the main event: I'm 33, I live alone, no kids, never married. Had some past flings that didn't go anywhere, sadly. I'm 3 months in a new city, 2000 miles from where I'm from. Not poor, but definitely not rich, and I'm still struggling to pay off student debt and save even with my pretty decent job. I've lost 80 pounds, and now I'm trying to get lean. I have a dog. People say I'm good looking, I'm personable. I can't afford to take trips or buy a house yet. Really trying. I put all my hobbies on hold as well to save and work.
This past weekend, I just really wanted to get out of my apartment. I haven't made any friends here, it seems really hard at 33. I decided to walk downtown, and have one drink just to see some people in public. As I'm having my one drink, a woman and her friend come and sit next to me. VERY attractive, intimidatingly so. They overheard me talking to the bartender about where I'm from originally, and one of them happens to also be from there as well. I'm chatting with both of them for awhile, it's really nice, actually feeling pretty great to have some conversation. However, one of them, asks me if I'm single and if she can call me (yes call, not text, that was REFRESHING), and since we both have no holiday plans, of id like to go out and get a drink with her, even offering to have me meet her at HER apartment.
I didn't expect her to do that, and trust me I'm not opposed at the onset, she's beautiful, and she has a solid career too, and seems very personable, kind of goofy even (I was wearing all black, she jokingly asked if I was an undercover spy when first approaching). I didn't want to be awkward, I gave her my number and she sent me hers, and asked to hang this week if I was interested.
I have NO idea what to do about this. I don't see how I can reasonably and rationally get involved with someone when I'm clearly in no position to impress or carry a potential relationship. Like my lord, I make 90k a year and I still lose 43% of my income to rent and utilities. I'm definitely not in the physical shape I need to be yet (I was fat, I lost 80 pounds and now I'm scrawny), I definitely can't talk about taking vacations or buying a house or having kids. My gut tells me that even though I want to make plans with her, I shouldn't out of principle and respect. Some people tell me none of that crap matters. I disagree I don't see how, as adults, all of that can't matter.
Someone tell me what to do here. Basically it's emotions vs logic.
26 comments
Why not go with the flow and enjoy yourself.essage her and see if she wants to catch up. Nothing to lose.
You said your in a new city. Worst case you make a new friend. It’s not time wasting, what if she falls for you and is incredibly wealthy…
Pessimistic side of me would be cautious lol
Go. Be yourself. Be honest. Enjoy the company of a human you found intriguing and hope that the enjoyment is reciprocated.
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Sounds like you have some self worth issues. Maybe remember that no one’s life is perfect and we all have something to bring to the table. Maybe your gaps fill hers or the other way around. Dating someone better than yourself sounds like a win.
You’re getting way ahead of yourself. You’re not asking her for marriage. You could hang and realize it’s more friends vibe.
On your logic, 70% of people in dating world shouldn’t be dating. Good chance she also doesn’t own home, can’t afford to travel or not at her peak fitness.
if I was making 93k per year I’d be balling lol as long as you have a decent place car and can take you guys out like twice a week ur good to date bro
You’re too much in the future when the future doesn’t even exist. Live in the present, where you actually are. She wants to hang.
We’re still holding on to an old way of thinking—where the man had to provide everything and the woman stayed home. That era is gone. Today, if you want to buy a house, both people usually have to work. If you want to start a family, it takes both partners giving it their all just to make it in this economy.
And I think you might be jumping ahead a bit. You’re not marrying her tomorrow. This could just be another chapter, or even just a fling—and that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up or let it shake your confidence. Take things one step at a time.
You’re giving up without even trying. She met you in person, knows what you look like, and enjoyed talking with you enough to ask you out. Just go out with her and have a fun time. Maybe you won’t end up dating but so what? Maybe you’ll end up being friends. Maybe she’ll only be in your life briefly. You have nothing to lose. Let her get to know you and if she decides she’s not interested then that’s fine.
You’re definitely overthinking this
Meet up and keep it casual. Make some connections and friends. Maybe she asked you out for those reasons and being friendly not necessarily romantically. I think you can be a gentleman and if the convo goes there, share that youre still getting settled and not looking to jump into something serious.
Just keep being yourself dude. She clearly likes who you are. Don’t overthink it.
> I have NO idea what to do about this. I don’t see how I can reasonably and rationally get involved with someone when I’m clearly in no position to impress or carry a potential relationship.
Dude what are you talking about?? You are in the perfect position to be dating and getting in a relationship.
You don’t have the baggage of kids, traumatic past exs, major health issues, life instability that could get in the way of a relationship.
You have a good job and stability. That is attractive. It’s 2025, rent and life expenses are costly for everyone. That’s not just you.
Scrawny? So what? You think women only date ripped bodybuilders?
Bro , you have a career and make 90k ….. she also has a career ….. bro that alone, you can’t probably solely provide but with that combined income you can definitely make something shake
Live in the moment. It’s also the holidays and people place a premium of being with a warm body instead of solo. Enjoy the time BUT don’t sacrifice who you are or change standards just to be with the person. Maybe it lasts, maybe it doesn’t.
Stop worrying about it and go have fun!
Did you try to address to her your concerns?
Me… M 50s….
She invited you to her apartment… cool! I would jump at that chance and whatever happens go in remembering that you’re going to come out with a great story to tell
Personally, I would take my drivers license and whatever cash I was willing to spend on the evening and leave the rest of my wallet safe at home.
Bring a condom or two tucked discreetly out of sight just in case
Hopefully, she is into hanging out with you and it’s all on the up and up and whatever happens it will be a great growing experience… hopefully one you enjoy
It’s possible she’s playing with you and you never know how it’s going to turn out unless you go and try it. I’ll tell a couple of my weird first date stories.
The weirdest first date I ever went on. She invited me to her place, which turned out to be a large open air room above a lakeside store. When I arrived, there was a massive party in the parking lot in front of the store with music and a couple hundred people and plenty of kegs a great summer party.
She was in her beach shoes with long tan legs, skimpy bikini bottom, and nothing but a bandanna on a string around her neck hanging off her breasts. There was a whole bunch of guys all around her, chatting her up like they knew her. She saw me approaching and grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd. Everybody sort of stopped talking and watched us go. She obviously wanted to have sex in the room right above this crowd, single pane windows and all… performing, I guess, for the 200 people many of whom knew her. I wasn’t sure what kind of set up this was or just what motivated her. Was I being played? Was she trying to hurt somebody else and planned to be a screamer? I decided it was a too weird for me so I played it like the gentleman my mother would be proud of, and after that, she ghosted me!
Another date I had in a big city turned out to be a prostitute who only outed herself when I was looking forward to a wonderful evening, and I ghosted her.
The point is don’t be the country bumpkin just go with your confidence and whatever cash you’re willing to spend on the evening and come home with your confidence and a good story to tell.
Have fun!
Dude just have fun. Don’t worry about what could be.
I was invited by hot brazilian girl at her house . Later i found she was running a pyramid scheme to buy a sales plan that you get commission from selling to others like a domino effect.
Change your mind set dude. You’ve got some huge debt but you’re not your money. You deserve to have friends in your life. Go out for coffee or a walk with that person. Check it out. You don’t need a dating budget yet and if something develops be up front about going Dutch for now.
Bro you sound like a woman. Just live in the moment let shit land where it may. 10% is what happens to us 90% how you react to it.
Dude…shoot your shot..she’s interested!👍
You just got cold approached and asked out by a beautiful girl that you hit it off with and you’re worried because you “only” make $90k per year?
Bruv.