Hi,
If this is the wrong sub please let me know. And it would be great if you can suggest a more fitting one.
I (43F, bi) have a tough time being touchy feely with someone both in sexual and non-sexual context.
When I was a kid I really like hugs and holding hands and skinship in general. My family is religious especially my mom so as I grew older she shamed me a lot into not touching often saying this will lead the men to touch me or just that is gross and shameful to touch and like being touched. She is also someone who doesn’t like touching ppl at all.
Even the first few times I had sex, it was very mechanical and I did it to get it over with, not because I felt sexual attraction. I was also asexual till my late 30s but something changed and I can feet attraction now and enjoy sex more.
But the awkwardness is still there and I only had one night stand.
In the non-sexual context, I, in general want to be more touchy but with the right people. I often see others seamlessly hug, link arms, lean on each other etc but I do not know how to do so my self and invite others to do the same. In my life only two other people are touchy feely with me but they are very old friends and currently not with me. When I initiated with one new female friend she expressed confusion and I immediately apologized and we moved on and she laughed about it.
I also feel since I had been shamed and never learned what my own comfort level really is and also did not learn to socialize properly I don’t know how to deal with intimacy (initiating and receiving). I genuinely do not want to accidentally sexually harass people. That girl asked to hang out again but I am too ashamed to see her again. I feel like a creep.
So how do I know what my form of intimacy comfort is? What to watch out for when initiating it? How do I feel relaxed and enjoy being touched?