I’m a 20F who enjoys sex and has a pretty high sex drive, but being fingered has always made me feel uncomfortable and powerless. I want to clarify that the physical sensation itself feels good (especially when it’s my current boyfriend) but being on the receiving end of sexual stimulation in that way makes me feel extremely vulnerable. I feel similarly when someone goes down on me.
For a long time, I thought this was simply because I prefer being dominant during sex and enjoy giving pleasure more than receiving it. However, after some recent soul-searching, I’m starting to wonder if it has more to do with how I lost my virginity.
The first time I ever had sex, I didn’t intend for it to happen. While I wouldn’t call it full-on rape, I did feel pressured into having sex against my will. It felt like by the time I wanted to say no, it was already too late. Since then, every sexual experience I’ve had has been consensual and enjoyable, and overall I genuinely like sex.
Recently, my boyfriend has expressed that he would like to finger me more, as long as he has my consent. He’s very respectful of my boundaries and was understanding when I explained that I don’t enjoy it as much because it makes me feel too vulnerable. Still, I want him to enjoy our sex life too, and I’m wondering if this is something I should work on.
Sometimes I also question whether I enjoy being dominant in bed because it’s truly what I like, or because I never want to give up too much control again, the way I did when I first lost my virginity.
Do you think this is something I need to “fix”? And if so, how can I change the way I feel about being fingered?
TL;DR: I enjoy sex and the physical sensation of being fingered, but it makes me feel emotionally vulnerable and powerless. I think this may be connected to a pressured first sexual experience. My boyfriend is respectful of my boundaries but would like to do it more, and I’m wondering whether this is something I should work through or accept as a boundary, and how to change how I feel about it if I choose to.