I know this sounds bad so let me explain the whole story. I grew up in a very religious household and was pressured to do everything “right”. We got married when I was 19 and had only been together for about 6 months before then. We were both virgins when we got married so things were awkward to start. He had also not dated much before me so a lot of what had happened I excused for him not being experienced or because he has ADHD.
Throughout our marriage there has been an unfortunate stack of red flags that became glaringly obvious to me when my husband got sick. When he got sepsis I found myself wishing it was me instead and it was not in an altruistic way which surprised me. I had to drop everything to make sure he was taken care of and put my feelings to the side to dissect later. After a week he was finally able to come home but still struggled to walk for a while. During this time I took care of everything including talking to his bosses at work and figuring out FMLA and making doctors appointments on top of my usual responsibilities as a mother. And during this time I started to understand what it was that made me feel that way. I understood that he never did the same for me.
This may seem an unfair assessment so I’ll share the few times I’ve been in the hospital since being married. The first time was when I gave birth to our daughter. He wasn’t there for the birth but I believe this is excused because he was deployed at the time. What I think is important about this time is that he was permitted to come home for about a week to meet his child. During that time we lived with his parents and while he was home he spent most of his time playing WOW with his brothers. He also contemplated leaving me home alone to visit a distant family member he barely knew who just died (I might be a butt-abyss for making him stay but he’d be gone the whole week when he was permitted to come home because of his daughter). He seemed to get annoyed with me often during this week because of how often I asked for water while breast feeding because I wasn’t allowed to go out to get it myself. After the week he went back and it was three more months until he was finally home for good. After that I didn’t need as much help because I had gotten the hang of being a mom a little better so things seemed ok.
The next time I was in the hospital I was giving birth to our son. By this time he was out of the military and was able to be present for the birth. I had more complications with my son which resulted in more doctors visits and he was there thankfully for most of it. I ended up having to be induced early because I was hypertensive. At this point I kinda knew what I was doing so I didn’t ask for help from my husband but still enjoyed his time off from work. Unfortunately he decided his paternity leave was too long and asked to go back early. So he ended up missing my birthday because he chose to go back early.
The last time I was in the hospital was almost exactly a year before he got sepsis. I was to have surgery to get a tubal ligation. We had talked about no longer having kids because I started to fear pregnancy (something I’m understanding better with therapy). We weighed the pros and cons of a vasectomy vs the tubal ligation. Despite the vasectomy being cheaper and safer and a shorter recovery time I was the one who was decided to go under the knife. The day of the surgery he couldn’t get off of work so I was at risk of having to figure out how to get home while coming out of anesthesia if it took too long. Thankfully it ended up ok and I got home safe but had to take care of my kids while recovering. While I was still recovering my husband talked about calling in sick because a new game released which appalled me since he didn’t offer to do the same for me.
These are a few of the big examples that dont exactly cover what would happen day to day. I had realized during our whole marriage I had been pretty severely neglected. All of these issues I would try to address and talk about but were ultimately ignored as he would fall into bad habits. So I started picking apart our relationship and started to realize other issues like threatening to off himself when I set boundaries. Or pressuring me into sex even after I said no. Or refusing some of my necessities because of money issues then turning around and buying a new game or warhammer.
I have told him about wanting a divorce and he threatened to off himself so instead we are in therapy. I still feel disconnected and done with the relationship and I’m not sure if I can fix it. I just feel so lost. What would be your advice on how to proceed?
P.S. sorry this is so long this is also my first time posting so sorry if it’s off
35 comments
You need to be in separate, individual therapy before there can be any marriage counseling. His manipulation and guilt-tripping are his problem. You need to be able to articulate what you want and won’t live with anymore (you are almost there).
The sepsis just made you see what was always there. dude chose video games over helping with newborns, guilted you for needing water while breastfeeding, made you get surgery when his was safer, and threatens self-harm to trap you.
Let him threaten! People who threaten like that do not mean it, it’s just to guilt you and play whatever cards they think they have. Walk away, you’re still young and have been so so neglected. This isn’t ok, and you deserve someone who will be a partner to you too. Hugs
Leave.
I was in your shoes. When I asked for money to buy groceries, he said no, he didn’t have it. 15 minutes later, a friend showed him their new Wii gaming system, and they went to the store so he could get one, too. Didn’t care when I asked how he had $300 for a new gaming system, but not $100 for basic food items.
I got surgery and I was told to immediately go on bed rest and to keep my incisions dry. Instead, he forced me into the shower and looked at me with visible disgust while I stood there in pain, stressed over my incisions.
He then forced me to go back to work before I was ready to, or even cleared to. I was too exhausted to focus on recovery. I still have visible scars from surgery.
The one time I said no to sex, I woke up to him on top of me.
I could go on and on. I have so many stories that are similar to yours. But I want to leave you with this:
Your soon-to-be-ex’s threats of suicide are empty. It’s manipulation to keep you trapped in the relationship. You are deserving of so much more. You’re only 30! You have so much love to give. Don’t waste it on someone that can’t even be bothered to take care of you the way you care for them.
You’re fully checked out of the relationship, and once you reach that point, there’s really no salvaging things. You should tell your marriage counselor that you’re pretty much ready to separate, and tell them about your partner’s threats of self harm. They can help facilitate the next steps.
Wishing you the best of luck, OP ♥️🍀
Start planning for your future without him. You have been able to see clearly now how things actually are and you know you deserve better. His threats are empty anyway. Focus on creating your own future. Talk to an attorney and see your options. Take practical steps and don’t be manipulated and gaslit by him. You know the reality of your marriage now don’t let him convince you that it’s something else. Good luck.
Him threatening to kill himself is a common form of emotional abuse.
Next time he does that, call the police to have him put on a psychiatric hold and then tell his parents where they can get him. Don’t pick him up from the hospital, and change the locks on your home.
I’m a psychiatric nurse and therapist, threatening to harm himself is his business not yours. It’s a manipulation tactic 100%. I highly doubt that he would actually try to do that, but even if he did that would be on him, not you. Leave. He sounds dangerous. Take good care of yourself.
I do not think couples therapy will be productive if he’s coercing you to stay with threats of self harm. If you have a safe place you can go to with your kids, start making preparations to leave.
He’s abusive and you deserve better. http://www.loveisrespect.org
He chooses to off himself instead of idk being a better husband. His life is not your responsibility. If he does anything, that is solely on him. It’s not on you. Record him when he says that. Leave him and if he does anything, call the police because that’s all you can do.
Threatening to kill himself when he doesn’t like what you’re saying is abusive. I’m so sorry.
This is sadly not uncommon. I am very concerned about the sex when you don’t want it.
Your husband sounds deeply selfish. I would get therapy for myself to figure out exactly what I want. And then do it. I suspect you w had to handle everything yourself for a long while already. Your divorce is one more thing.
I know this might sound presumptuous of me but, from what you’ve written, it sounds to me like You have been experiencing narcissistic abuse.
I am so sorry. You have been completely neglected, used and manipulated. You are a very good person. The reason I know this is because he threatened suicide. He knew you would do whatever it takes to care for him. This is the ultimate manipulation.
Now that you were able to write this post, are you able to see clearly how manipulative and selfish he is? You said you’re in marriage counseling but are you getting individual therapy? You may need support for a while as you come to terms with just how big of a shit your husband is.
Don’t allow him to steal any more of your life.
You deserve to be loved and cherished. He is not going to do that for you.
I’m sending good thoughts and energy your way.
Free yourself honey!!
Threatening to off himself is manipulation. Think about your life. The average life expectancy for women is roughly 85. Are you really willing to put up with this for the next 55odd years? When I was in a terrible marriage and I felt there was no way out I felt like it would be better to be dead. So if you have to choose between you rather being dead than being in this marriage and him offing himself, choose what’s best yourself.
Honestly I don’t think u can fix it as it’s gone on for too long. It might improve for a little while but then he will just go back to how he has always been. U are better off leaving and not listening to him about him hurting him self he won’t do it they never do it’s just a tactic to get u to stay. Don’t let him win or manipulate u and just leave.
Seems like you’ve got it pretty figured out. I can understand entirely why you feel disconnected and have grown apart from your husband. You’re still fairly young, yet you have grown so much from where you started your married life as a young virgin
I think there’s a lot more growing for you to do after you get divorced, and are able to move through life as a single woman.
Best of luck to you going forward. Your husband definitely seems like dead weight
I nearly died from sepsis, and one of the things I most remember, 13 years later, is my husband refusing to drive back home to bring me a specific comfort pillow I requested. We lived 10 minutes away from the hospital, and he forgot to grab it when he visited me after I was intubated for 10 days. You deserve better.
You shouldn’t stay in a relationship because you don’t find reasons to leave, you should end relationships when there are no more reasons to be in it. That guy is not giving you any
Him living or dying is NOT your responsibility. That’s his choice to make. What he is doing is extreme emotional abuse. F him tbh. He’s a bad guy. The kids love him because they’re kids. You deserve better than that kind of treatment. Staying will not make your or their lives better- only his. You need to leave. Trust me. I waited 11 years for change. Don’t waste your time.
I’m glad you weren’t the one to get sepsis because he would have been no help at all. Just leave. He doesn’t care about you. He cares about himself. And video games.
It certainly sounds to me that your husband is very immature and not willing or not able to be a good husband and father. His desire to play video games instead of tending to you and bonding with the baby just made me sick. So very selfish and immature.
Don’t listen to him threatening to off himself if you divorce him. What does he value about the marriage that he doesn’t want to lose? And if the thought of a divorce is so traumatizing, why wasn’t he a much better husband?
I think leaving this dead marriage would help you to see that you don’t have to live like that. You deserve to have a loving partner who is there for you.
Next time he threatens self harm call 911 and get him help. Document EVERYTHING.
I once got sick,ex husband kept denying my request to go to the ER(I didn’t drive) and instead bought me heaps of cold medicine.
A while later he literally had to be threatened to take me, which he did begrudgingly and then complained it was taking too long so he left. He kept calling asking if I was ready and when I said I was being admitted he got pissed for being inconvenienced because he was forced to stay awake.
I had double pneumonia and a horrible upper respiratory infection. Dr was surprised I could even walk let alone do all the other things I’d done for two weeks. My lungs never fully recovered. Even now.
I felt resentful but stayed and he continued to not show up for me in ways that mattered.
The day I got home from my hysterectomy he went out to the bar.
The day I had my gallbladder removed he didn’t even bother to try to be there. He voluntarily went to work and didn’t come home immediately after though he did call.
Eventually I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I left 3 years later when the progression started and it was too hard to be with someone so unsupportive. When I left I realized he was exacerbating my sickness.
Now I’m at a stage of illness where I can’t imagine being with him and suffering even more.
My point is that he didn’t show up when you needed him to. He’s shown his priorities. We never know what’s going to happen in this life.
Health can decline. If it were you with sepsis would you not be struggling alone to take care of you and two kids? And him? It’s so much easier to do alone.
You’re so valid. As are your feelings. Choose yourself. Anything else is self abandonment.
It’s hard at first but I promise it gets easier.
If you ever need an ear feel free to message me.
Good luck on your new beginning!!!
Leave when he isn’t home. So many womened get murdered for trying to leave the “respectful” way. Him telling you he will kill himself definitely is a HUGE red flag. Like another commentator said, call 911 if he threatens that over the phone once you are gone.
Be careful and smart if you decide to leave him.
Threatening to kill himself is a major red flag. He might decide to take you and your kids with him.
Next time he threatens to end his life as a manipulation tactic, call his bluff and call 911 for a welfare check and psych evaluation.
And this will be one of the “it came out of nowhere” guys
You will need an good exit plan. I would talk to a lawyer and/or women’s shelter for advice.
Your partner planning to off himself is manipulation. Leave. Your partner planning to off himself also dangerous. In a nearby town recently it made he News, when a guy tracked down his wife and her ex husband and kids, killed the ex that was helping, and her two kids, and then himself, leaving the woman alive to scream.
Don’t fuck around with people this crazy. Protect yourself in every way possible and I mean that. Every way you can potentially think of.
Wow, that sounds really rough. You’ve been carrying so much and it’s understandable to feel done. Threats of self-harm aren’t your responsibility to manage. Therapy is good, but also focus on your boundaries and safety—divorce might be the healthiest choice if he can’t meet you halfway.
Free yourself. You’re sitll so young, you have so much life aheD of you. You deserve better.
Yep. Divorce him. He is incredibly selfish and is not a partner to you.
Him threatening to kill himself if you divorce is not a reason to stay married. It’s confirmation that you should NOT stay married.
> I have told him about wanting a divorce and he threatened to off himself so instead we are in therapy.
You’ve told the therapist that he routinely threatens to off himself to get his way, right?
>I have told him about wanting a divorce and he threatened to off himself
That threat is manipulative and abusive. It also should make you concerned for your own safety as frequently people in the mindset to do this also have anger at the people they see as forcing them to do it.