Over 2 years ago I met a woman at work, she came to me first, very nice bubbly and talkative woman, in a period of my life where I had shut down completely.
We became inseparable, best friends, each other confidents, we talk about everything and have a rule to keep it 100% honest, say everything we think or feel. I have never ever had a relation like that with anyone, and she tells me neither does she.
She's a rare diamond, a beacon of light in my life. I love her to bits, cherish her and protect her. She knows that and adores me too, turns out she also was in a rough spot and we helped each other out.
I had been joking with my male best friend that she is the woman of my life, soulmates, and had we met in an alternative universe where we had similar situations she'd either be my wife, or I'd get rejected and it would haunt me for life. But she's nearly old enough to be my mom, that she has kids which I have met, an ex husband, etc. So it isn't a thing because of our situations.
But it was just a passing thought, not something that lived in my head rent free or anything, I was fully at peace with our situation and the fact life is rarely what we wish it to be.
She encouraged me in my own dating adventures, we would talk about the dates I've been going on and etc. She was always genuinely excited when it seemed to go well.
But she also sometimes was a little weird saying stuff like "promise you won't change how you act with me just because you get a gf" which I always thought was just her abandonment issues making surface.
Well now let's get to the heart of the story.
Lately we have been getting closer, more tactile, doing hugs, etc. She always craved for that I guess as she needs lot of attention, but I was never the type to be super comfortable with that so we were never like that. I changed a lot lately and became more confident, more straight forward so naturally it started happening more. She has noticed that and told me many times how good it made her feel, that she needed the hug and etc.
We've also been joking more about adult things, when people made rumours about us being together we started acting like it as a joke, but you know, just good fun since we're not like that, right ?
A few days ago I was quite let down by a recent date I went on, I was messaging her about it like we always do. At some point she goes on this rant about how I'm such a nice guy and that I have all the qualities she'd look for in a man, that the girl that sees that value in me will have found a very rare thing.
I tell her I really appreciate it, so far nothing too unusual it's the type of positive talk we often have. The conversation goes on and basically at some point she implies she genuinely think I could've been the right person for her.
I'm like "fuck it" and decide to tell her about the whole "if we met in an alternative universe" thing. She appreciates it, we kind of joke around then go back to a more normal conversation.
So all is fine, I guess a weight off both our shoulders, we're pretty much on the same page.
Well… at like midnight she sends me "aren't you afraid that we could become too attached", I'm like "What do you mean by that ?" And she doesn't answer all night.
Next morning I text her again and she's like "no, forget about it", I insist and tell her she can tell me anything. She then asks me "aren't you scared we could fall in love ? On my part I think it could happen." Followed immediately by "omg why did I say that please don't laugh at me".
I obviously reassured her, told her I would never laugh at her for telling me her feelings and that I was the first to really open up on that subject and tell my feelings about her, so clearly there was no shame as I brought up the subject.
But obviously it leaves a mess in my head. Flashbacks of lots of things she did and said which make more sense now.
I'm genuinely scared for what's next.
Scared that we could loose what we have now and that it'll never be the same.
I love her so much I want what's best for her. As just two individuals I think we could be great for each other. But I feel like she deserves someone that can genuinely get involved in her family life, and bring her things I can't bring her. Like I think we could have a great story, but seems like it would obviously end badly or at least be a disservice to her.
Plus I'm torn between the fact she's my soulmate and I could be missing something because I put too many barriers, but also stuck on the fact she has a kids I know personally, an ex husband I also know personally, and etc The age I could get over it tbh.
For now my plan is to kind of act like it didn't happen, be like we used to be and see what happens. But lots going on in my head obviously.
Rn as I'm writing this she just texted me she's coming over for lunch.