30F (me) dating 34M for 3 years, breaks during winter due to his mental health
Most of the time he’s emotionally intuitive, loving, optimistic, highly communicative, and deeply connected to me. He excitedly talks about building a life together, says he feels like our connection is once in a lifetime, and shows up in ways that feel genuine. We truly have a great time. Align on values, morals, and what we want for our future. His actions completely align with his words majority of the time. I feel very loved and understood by him. I don't even have to speak, he just knows.
But once a year, usually nov/dec/jan. It’s like a switch flips. He becomes a different person. Irritable, overwhelmed, convinced he’s a burden. He can be mean during these episodes and does not understand why bc normally he's the type to cry if he sees someone eating alone at a restaurant lol, so him being mean is like – huh? I might even catch him in a weird useless lie during these episodes which is also not like him. He isolates completely, goes ghost, and pushes me out. He feels debilitated and has an extreme desire to be alone. He has said that it feels like there's a little voice in there telling him to just burn everything to the ground. Similar to self harm releasing a good feeling for some.
This continues until the episode passes and he’s not only confused but ashamed of his behavior and desperately tries to repair things. He has struggled with this since childhood, but it's never affected his romantic relationships this badly. He's been in talk therapy for about 2 years, but he's endured a lot of trauma (I'd say it's more than the average person) and I feel like a more specific kind of therapy would help more.
I’m not really looking for advice. Him and I have done as much talking about his mental health as you possibly can. If he doesn't have a better grasp on it there is nothing I can do. I know I can’t build a life with this pattern. I’m just trying to understand what this experience is like from the inside. It doesn’t feel manipulative or intentional. Everyone close to him sees it as something he loses control over. And the only thing they/I know for sure about him is how much he loves me. The whole thing leaves me feeling heartbroken and guilty bc when he's feeling level headed, which is 90% of the time, he's looking forward to proposing and start a family. But I obviously can not risk that, and I feel like I'm going to have to deny him when he comes out of this current episode and he'll just have to watch me wind up with someone else? It feels unfair to both of us for THAT to be the outcome.
If you’ve experienced something similar (seasonal shifts, trauma responses, shutdown/isolation patterns), I’d really appreciate hearing what it felt like for you? Mental health professionals also welcome lol.
TL;DR: Does anyone else's partner suffer from a mental illness that completely turns them into a different person? 🥲