tl:dr at bottom
I 57F have been married to my dear husband 49M for 25 years. I grew up in foster care and have a diverse family. I have also been abused and suffer from PTSD. I worked as a social worker, ran a non-profit program for elderly refugees, then went on to work with mentally and physically disabled individuals until my own disability stopped me from being able to serve. This is all to say I am a person who is a believer in empathy, equality, diversity, etc.
My FIL 78M is the exact opposite. For the last 25 years at every family event he has to start arguments. He'd make negative comments about POC knowing my sister is black/Asian. He talked about the people I served like they were trash. I constantly had to bite my lip and mouth to stop from arguing with him. The man isn't happy unless he is making everyone else around him miserable. Needless to say since the current regime has been in the White House he has become even more hateful and bolder. He is constantly trying to convince me that my beliefs are wrong. Now on to the issue.
A couple of months ago DH and I drove down to support MIL at her first craft fair. While visiting them at the house FIL started going off as usual, however I just couldn't take it and said I didn't agree. FIL kept raising his voice and I fought back because I am tired of listening to his hateful rhetoric. We went there to support MIL not be lectured to. It got to the point that he started to get up from his chair and told me that I am not a Christian and that I am an evil person. My MIL called me uneducated because I don't believe in their views. I started to have a panic attack because FIL's behavior triggered me. I left the house and went and sat in the car.
DH told them it's fine for them to have their beliefs but it is not fine for them to attack me because I do not agree. That they do not get to disrespect me. Of course FIL says it is his home and nobody will tell him what he can and can't say in his home.
We haven't spoken to them since. I did have a family heirloom that I was fixing for MIL. Being the person I am instead of returning it and saying screw it, I finished it and sent it to them. I didn't say anything other than texting the tracking info to MIL.
DH has been going back and forth on how to handle this situation. MIL texted him yesterday to see if we would be coming down for the holiday next weekend. I don't want to go. I don't think I want to see those people ever again. But I feel bad because this is DH's parents. And as much as he has issues with them he knows they aren't going to be around much longer. I am so stressed about this. I don't know what to do or say. I know I don't need to be around toxic people. But not going means I don't get to see my BIL, SIL and my nephew.
How do I move forward? What should be my next step?
TL;DR – FIL and MIL called me evil and uneducated and triggered a PTSD episode. Unsure of how to move on from it or salvage the relationship.
2 comments
Arrange something with BIL, SIL, and nephew separately. Do not give these asshole bigots another minute of your time.
Is there anything that FIL and MIL could do that would make you feel comfortable visiting them? Would an apology do that? If the answer is no or if they never apologize, then I would never see them again. If I were your husband, I would not see them anytime soon. I would not let anyone, even my parents, insult my spouse like that. Maybe you can see your BIL, SIL and nephew separately.
As far as them getting older, etc, they could still live another 10 or 20 years or so. That’s a long time.