Hi r/sex,
I’m looking for advice and perspectives, especially from people with experience in D/s dynamics.
I’ve been dating a woman for about 6 weeks. We have great chemistry, good communication, and sex that’s enjoyable, but it feels like there’s something we’re not quite tapping into yet.
She’s submissive and has been very open about it. She’s told me that she gets turned on by being “used,” by me doing what I want with her, and by a stronger dominant presence. This is something I’m curious about and genuinely want to explore more, but it’s relatively new territory for me.
So far I’ve tried things like:
- spanking
- light choking
- being more verbally and physically dominant
- pulling her hair
- taking more initiative and control
She enjoys it, but I get the sense that it’s still landing in the “this is nice” category for her, not the “OMG I’m losing my mind” kind of sex she seems to crave. It feels like she’s missing something deeper or more intentional, and I’m not sure what that is.
One thing I’ve noticed (and we’ve touched on this a bit in conversation) is this – I have asked her what she likes, and when she tells me, I then do those things. But paradoxically, it almost seems to reduce the intensity for her. It starts to feel like I’m doing things because she said she likes them, rather than because I want to do them. And I get the sense that what really turns her on is feeling that I’m acting from my own desire – not following instructions or checking boxes.
(If that makes sense.)
I want to stress:
- We communicate well
- Consent and boundaries matter a lot to me
- I’m not looking to rush or perform porn level stuff
- I’m more interested in how to create intensity, presence, and psychological dominance
So my questions are:
- What usually makes the difference between “lightly dominant” sex and deeply satisfying submissive sex?
- How do you balance communication and consent with spontaneity and “doing what you want”?
- Is it more about mindset, structure, dirty talk, anticipation, or control outside the bedroom?
- How do you explore “using” someone in a way that still feels safe, consensual, and connecting?
- Any advice on how to talk about this without turning it into pressure or performance?
I want to grow into this in a way that feels authentic for me and genuinely fulfilling for her, not just ticking off kinks from a list.
Any advice, experiences, or resources would be really appreciated.
Thanks in advance