I used to have this friend who would send me long paragraphs about everything she was going through, family problems, work issues, emotional breakdowns, all of it.
And for a while, I tried to be there for her. I really did. But as time went on, every message started to feel heavier and heavier. I’d see her name pop up and immediately feel stressed, not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t have the energy to hold someone elses emotions on top of my own.
So I started replying less. Slower. Shorter.
And then one day… I just stopped.
She eventually reached out again, telling me she hoped I was okay and that she didn’t know what she had done wrong.
And I still didn’t reply. I froze. I didn’t know how to explain that I was overwhelmed without making her feel like a burden.
But by staying silent, I did make her feel like one, whichis the part I cant stop thinking about.
I know I handled it badly. I wish I had communicated instead of disappearing.
I dont think she deserved to be ghosted. I was just emotionally exhausted and didn’t know how to say it.
24 comments
Ghosting is a shit thing to do. Go talk to her.
You are not a therapist or doctor, you have no olbigation to read or respond
I’ve done that exact thing. It’s shitty. I have no excuse. Not sure whats wrong with me but I couldn’t reply back idk how to explain it. I would have rather climbed Mt. Everest than reply back and explain that I was tired of talking to them. Sounds stupid to an outsider but I know exactly how you feel
If you were emotionally exhausted by her then yes she was a burden. There’s a reason people pay a lot for therapy – emotional labor is taxing and it should be expensive frankly. She’s probably just sad she lost her free therapist. Stop being people’s free therapist.
Your feelings are valid and normal. I would suggest that grabbing a coffee or doing something equally casual could be the way to get out a short, but sweet and sincere apology while sharing friendship in manner that can be limited to the activity (if you begin to feel overwhelmed you can say that you need to get going but schedule another get together in a week or two)
Why didn’t you tell her that? I think this is so reasonable and you know sometimes people are so caught up with life that they don’t even realize that they are just unloading lots of emotional baggage on you… I had a friend like that and I told him that I suffer with him when he tells me all that. Of course I also said that I am here for him but I can’t be the constant person to talk to and he should seek out professional help. Guess what, he did and he is in such a better place now, I’m very proud of him
Honestly I’ve done this before but it was only after I told them to stop texting me sm and they kept doing it. Being treated like someone’s therapist sucks
How long ago was it? I think you could just tell her exactly what you said here. Its totally valid and she may be open to hearing it. You are coming from a good place. I think it’s understandable what happened. I’ve been that type friend you had and also been the one overwhelmed by people who tell you EVERYTHING and kind of too frequently.
Maybe reach out to her and have a talk about it?
I just tell people in these situations, hey I’m sorry I haven’t been responding, it’s not that I don’t care it’s just I’ve been a lil overwhelmed w my own stuff and haven’t had the battery lately, I hope you can understand 🙏
Something along those lines , so you’re not necessarily putting any blame on them and I think also gently reminding them that other people have their own shit to deal w too lol. And overall not having the connection end on a more sour note maybe via ghosting , I think.
IMO, it’s rarely too late to send a message like this either. That’s just my take tho.
I did this with my best friend of around 15 years. She wasn’t too much emotionally, but it seemed like she was irritated with me all the time. I still don’t fully know why I did it, other than that I was overwhelmed by life and felt like everything I said was wrong whenever I spoke to her. I just gave up. I know how you feel, though I have no advice. Let’s hope we heal well and make better choices
EDIT: I should add that we did eventually talk again, and we decided together not to rekindle the friendship. You can always wish the best for people and love them without being in their life
I get it. I once ghosted a FWB because I thought she was rude to me this one time and I just never called her again. That was over 25 years ago and I haven’t spoken to her or seen her since. She was a bit rude but nothing that deserved that. Just a “I didn’t appreciate that” would have been enough. I think ghosting is a nasty thing to do but we’ve all been there.
I had a friend do this exact thing to me, for similar reasons.
It was, hands down, one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had with a friendship. I wish they had just communicated what they were feeling and worked things out with me instead of fading me from their life. Like you, they did seem to regret how they handled it later. I wish we could be friends again but the damage has been done.
You hurt your friend because you didn’t know how to communicate. There’s not really any other way to put it. In the future, I hope you value your friendships enough you’ll swallow your pride and have that difficult conversation and set those boundaries instead of distancing yourself from your friend and eventually ghosting them, when they have no idea what they did wrong.
I’ve been that other person before, & honestly I needed someone to stop responding for a while.
But someone who didn’t stop, but instead sent shorter messages (that were still kind) at much less frequently (once per week) helped even more.
It gave me time to reflect & realize my mind was still in a really unhealthy place. It helped me realize I was being very reactive & oversharing.
And my therapist told me I needed to let out my “mean voice” more, and I think I took that advice too far – It made me not like that version of myself. Maybe letting it out made it more real that I was holding these angry thoughts about others & needed to change my thinking in order to feel like my normal, happy, loving & caring self again.
What you did was very hurtful but understandable. Do you want to reconnect or are you just feeling guilty? Only get back to her if you genuinely miss her and wanted to be friends again
It’s almost like ghosting is shitty behavior…
Just have a damn conversation.
Sometimes it’s ok to fade out, you owe them nothing but your own well being. It’s ok to just move on, life is already hard.
I did the same thing, and I feel fine. I know for 100% certain that my former friend 1. Would have become absolutely *unhinged* had I told her the real reasons I was cutting ties – she’s very defensive; and 2. She was not going to do anything to change her foolish choices that led to the constant sad sob stories. What’s more, my friend had been doing this for 5+ years and was not getting any better, was making worse and worse choices. She wasn’t just trauma dumping, her life was becoming more and more unstable. I am not 100% sure she wasn’t on drugs. I didn’t do a *true* ghost; I did tell her I didn’t wish to interact with her and needed a little break; she ignored that and continued to call, text and attempt to visit. I finally blocked her.
I did this to another friend who ripped her mask off and revealed who she *truly* was underneath. I thought she was cool, professional, knowledgeable and put-together; she turned out to be a conniving, lying, manipulative person. She revealed she was engaged in some really immoral, low-down activities. I didn’t want to be caught up in her drama when it all blew up, so I did the same thing. She too refused to catch the hint and I had to block her.
I’m on the opposite side. I was severely depressed for 3 years and my closest friend ghosted me. I’ve spent years thinking about her, replaying every moment I think I fucked up. I’ve swung from angry to sad to wishing her well. It’s been 6ish years now and I still think about her. Recently I thought of sending her a letter… just letting her know I get it and I hold no grudge. But I haven’t followed through and idk if I will or not.
I honestly wish she had told me the reason. I would have understood if my depression was too much for her. By not telling me, I spent way too much time overanalyzing all of our interactions.
Look at it this way
You have a huge amount of responsibilities, everyone else too. Imagine those responsibilities are physical burdens on our backs.
Now whenever you have a fun conversation with someone and it’s going well, that you’re dropping things for a moment, and you take from your own pile, and toss it back and forth with the other person. They begin to do the same.
Now when your friend is telling you about their life, it’s more like they’re crawling on top of your back. They’re resting and you’re shouldering their load for a while. It helps them. It does. and you’re a good person for that. But instead of your friend trying to find better solutions to reduce their load it’s more like they’re just coming back to you and giving you their share.
Or maybe their issues are truly terrible and need support? Maybe it’s not just trivial things? I don’t know. If it’s that serious then more people need to get involved to help her and not just you. Stop beating yourself up. You’ve already done a lot.
Tell them you’re exhausted from lots of your own problems and start there
Honestly, you shouldn’t blame yourself. I was that friend who, going through a rough patch, unloaded all my problems on a friend. At first, he was sympathetic and gave me advice, but then one day he started replying only occasionally, until one day he stopped altogether. It’s painful, but I finally understood that I was asking too much of him and that it wasn’t his responsibility to carry that burden. It’s neither your fault nor his. But if you feel guilty, contact him and simply tell him that it was too much for you to bear.
I did this once and finally went back because of how bad I felt about it. I said something like “I’m sorry I ghosted, it was because our friendship kind of felt like it was mostly about learning the things that happened *to* you instead of getting to know *you.* I regret not telling you, you didn’t deserve that. Can we try to have more conversations that feel like we’re having fun together?”
We still ended up drifting apart, but it didn’t feel as bad. Sending that apology can help with a lot of regrets.
Been in the exact situation. Frankly, ghosting is the only way sometimes. Certain people just don’t get that they are crossing boundaries even after many many hints and requests for space.
I hope you are never in a rough time in your life, turn to your friends for support, and they ghost you like you ghosted your friend.
How very selfish of you. You feel guilty for a valid reason. If you truly care about her and value your friendship, go apologize to her and make amends.