I need unbiased opinions because if I am in the wrong I want to know.
Some background: My husband [26M]and I [26F]have been together since we were 15 and have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. We bought a business about 7 months ago and he quit his 60 hour a week job. I think things have been much worst since then since we see each other so much and he has much less responsibilities while I have gained much more (I still have my part time nurse job, he runs the business when an employee calls out.) We had very different childhoods my parents are still together and his dad was in prison his whole life, mom in rehab.
Our main arguments are discipline, alcohol, and how he speaks to me and the kids when things are running smoothly.
He, at best, has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He was drinking 6-12 beers nightly by himself. He quit a month ago after I told him something has to change I am not okay with him drinking to that extent. He has quit before and fallen off, hopefully this time works better. I feel our worst fights occurred while he was drunk and I feel it is an unhealthy example for our kids.
Our oldest is brilliant and is somehow on the spectrum (not sure how yet) so he has very big emotions and my husband gets very overwhelmed and usually escalates everything. Husband gets overstimulated easily and then will raise voice, speak harshly, and sometimes belittles 5 year old (examples: just do what you do best and cry about it, calling him a cry baby, and making different sarcastic comments) I always step in when I feel like this happens, and he now feels I constantly undermine and criticize his parenting. I do probably do it often, but I feel like I only do it when he crosses a line and I feel like he crosses them often. I am against spankings and like boundaries and holding them, occasionally time outs and he feels like I am much to soft. My main thing is us staying calm when a kid is acting out and he is almost incapable. I do also do wrong parenting things also but I feel like it is rare for me and every time for him. I have also done lots of reading on the subject and he won’t do any research to understand my views.
He is so sarcastic with my son and me and I hate how it makes me feel. He will say things like “of course, anything for you” “absolutely, your always right” “I will just sit here in case you need anything your highness”
He will always apologize in the middle of a fight which I used to appreciate it until he told me he sometimes just says sorry because it is easier not because he means it. So now I never know if it sincere or if he actually sees my side or not. And I get very confused. Last time I told him I didn’t feel like he meant it he got upset and told me just let me apologize and quit making it an argument but he always seems so upset still.
He gets really caught up on the exact words I say or he says. He often says I said a cuss words that I did not, why this is such a common fight idk but he will not let it go. If I repeat something he says not word for word he gets very upset saying I am putting words in his mouth but I was just saying the jist of the sentence. These are always such big fights that I have started recording many of our conversations.
I am not happy and have not been for a while. We tried couples counseling but honestly I have lots of resentment and don’t even want to work on us anymore. I go to the same therapist solo and she often talks about his lack of emotional intelligence. My only hesitation is the thought of not being able to have my kids all the time kills me. I can’t imagine not having full custody especially when he has literally never woken up with the kids once in their lives. I am also worried about him keeping our kids for extended periods of time since he has never and him and our oldest hardly get along, I usually have to get a separate babysitter for him. I know he has problems has childhood trauma he need to work through but I should not be his emotional punching bag. We have other problems but I could get through those I just don’t know if these would be considered emotional abuse or if I am not seeing both sides or being dramatic.
He also calls me and our youngest bad words in an attempt to be funny but it certainly is not, and I have made this known on many occasions. Specifically the N word, so absolutely not funny or okay. We are white.
TL;DR I am wondering if some of the things my husband does pretty often would be considered emotional abuse or if he is just truly overwhelmed and unhappy. Behaviors such as sarcasm, belittling our son, apologizing when he doesn’t mean it, claiming I said cuss words I didn’t, getting annoyed when I cry, calling our son bad words to be funny.