Background: My son's dad and I had him very young and the marriage didn't work out for a lot of reasons. We divorced in 2020, and it was hard for all of us. My ex and I have an okay relationship now, no fighting but we don't communicate other than about the kids (we have a 9 year old as well). My 13 year old and his dad are very close and very similar in personality and likes.
I got married to my husband about a year ago after being together for 2. He's a good man. He is kind, funny, we like the same things, and he loves my kids. We are best friends and I'm excited and grateful to be able to journey through life with him. He's basically the complete opposite personality of my ex husband. I want to reiterate that he is a good man, but of course has flaws like we all do (depression, ADHD, a bit too vocal regarding his beliefs). I love him very much.
The Issue: Last night, my son opened up to me that he wishes it was just the three of us and that my husband wasn't in the picture. He says all he does is go on his phone, doesn't try to talk to him, and he "doesn't do anything." He says he doesn't think he makes me happy.
I have noticed moments over the last year to where this was not a complete shock to me. There have been a few "your not my dad"'s muttered under his breath, etc. that I kind of brushed off as normal feelings from a 13 year old boy with a new stepfather. I thanked my son for opening up and gently pressed for more information while assuring him that I am happy, and that my husband works hard to help provide for all of us, and he loves him and his brother very much. My son said it doesn't seem like it. I asked him if he would feel this way if it was anyone or if it's specifically my husband, and he said that it's him. He said (in so many words) that he wishes that my husband tried to bond with him more but now it's too late and the ship has sailed and my son is never going to like him. Hearing this completely broke my heart.
The thing is – I agree with my son about a lot of the issues he brought up. I have talked to my husband over the last couple years about bonding with my oldest because my husband has said "I don't think ____ likes me." I've told him that even though he's not a little kid, he's still a child and it's not up to him to form a bond, it's up to my husband, the adult. That he needs to take initiative and work at it because parenting the right way takes a ton of hard work. He also comes off as harsh on my oldest sometimes when it comes to doing chores or helping around the house. I have had this conversation with him several times and told him he needs to work harder on forming a relationship with my son. I can't do it for him, but it feels like somehow it's my responsibility (maybe it is?). He loves him, but I think he doesn't know what to do or how to even start building a relationship. I understand that, it's as new situation for him and he was thrown into parenthood where I've had 13 years to hone my skills. But now I feel like it's too late for the two of them and my heart hurts so much.
I have also been noticing how much time my husband spends on his phone and it's starting to have a negative effect on me, which clearly my son has picked up on. My husband is constantly on Reddit, Facebook, or watching YouTube. I keep telling him that he's only making his depression worse by doom scrolling for hours. So far he hasn't listened. He's clearly addicted. We will all be watching a movie or a show and my husband is constantly on his phone. I've brought it up to him because it feels like he's not engaged and both the kids have mentioned it. He always says he wants to build things, get back into playing guitar, learn new skills, but he spends hours on the couch scrolling instead of doing all of those things. It's sad.
I know my husband's depression and resulting apathy is the root cause of a lot of the strain that I have been feeling lately. He is not happy with himself and is extremely worried about money and current events and it's taking a toll on him. I have suggested he go to counseling, he says maybe. I've suggested medication, he says no. The thing that bothers me is he has done almost nothing to help himself. I have done a ton of work over the last 4 years to improve my mental health and so I'm starting to feel annoyed that he won't put any work in. And now that my son said what he said last night, I know I need to have another talk with him.
My son doesn't want me to tell him what he said, but I feel like I have to let my husband know so he still has a chance to make things right. I don't totally believe it's too late, but it's probably getting close the older my son gets. I asked my son to try to set aside room for grace and for a relationship between them to grow if my husband puts in work to make changes. He said maybe.
I don't know how to bring this up to my husband without crushing him, without causing him to become defensive and have the conversation end in a fight, or without breaking my son's trust. I don't really want my family to know, and none of my friends have any experience in this situation so I just feel really alone and I need some advice on what to say and what to do. I don't know how much of it is on me vs. on my husband. I'm just hoping for some (kind) guidance.
TL;DR: My 13 yo son told me he wishes my husband wasn't in the picture because he "doesn't do anything" and he has not bonded with my son. I agree with my son on some of his points and need advice on how to talk about it with my husband.
33 comments
you absolutely do not tell your husband what your son said, if you do, then you will never get him to open up to you again.
It’s not ‘too late’ for your husband to start caring about his kids- if you’re going to stay with him, he needs to put in the effort to bond with both of your children, immediately. If one of my kids noticed that my partner was on his phone all the time and ignoring both the kids and me… that man would be gone so fast. But since you don’t seem to share that view, then you need to give your husband some ultimatiums: therapy, now, no phones during family time, and he picks an activity to do with each of the kids solo. To start.
It’s not too late.
You don’t tell your husband what your son said, but you DO talk to your husband about what YOU have observed.
You really should’ve ensured they had a good relationship before getting married, but can’t do anything about it now.
It is definitely your responsibility to ensure your husband and your son have the best relationship possible. Make plans to do family things and tell your husband he needs to put away the phone and be engaged with the boys. He needs to make the effort bc he’s the adult. The kids will come around after they see him put in the work.
If he’s not willing to, then you need to decide what is more important to you.
Your children’s happiness should be the top priority.
Do not tell your husband what your son said! That’s a terrible idea. I think you are focusing on that relationship (stepfather and son) instead of the main problem, which is in your marriage. Your husband isn’t growing. He isn’t putting in effort. He isn’t improving. You are. That’s a problem. He is sinking into screens. That’s a problem. He is resistant to getting any help. Forget the issue with your son for now and go for the actual issue! How long are you willing to live like this? What if he never improves or gets worse? You need to think about your own boundaries. If I were you I’d get into solo therapy as soon as possible to help navigate all of this.
You can’t simultaneously excuse a behavior because of depression AND resist any attempts at treatment for said depression.
The second one eliminates the excuse.
>I don’t know how to bring this up to my husband without crushing him, without causing him to become defensive and have the conversation end in a fight
why would this end in a fight? why would he argue with you over cold facts?
I’d reframe the whole discussion. How do YOU feel about him constantly being on reddit, FB, YT? How about addressing the root cause and get him into some sort of therapy?
I was the person in between my sister and niece and nephew when they were teens, and my sister was in a contentious divorce. I would phrase concerns my niece or nephew brought up, such as “I noticed that you acted X way, whenever niece did Y”. It was always something I noticed, never something “they told me”. Since you all live together, this should be easy to rephrase without throwing your son into the spot light.
While I’m not a father, when I dated women with kids, I tried to form a bond over something new to them, such as Legos, or fighter jets, or something else that was unique, cool, and an opportunity to talk and have fun. It takes setting up a calendar event and not canceling it. Being there was half the job of building trust. I didn’t touch my phone in their presence, because I was in the moment and available for them.
As others have said this feels perfectly salvageable to me but it mostly depends on your husband fixing his issues(as much as he can) and ideally some family activities.
I gradually felt the same about my stepfather over the years, he wouldn’t really make much effort to connect with me and I would put “Dad” on Fathers Day cards but I never truly felt that way.
You already understand that your son is a 13 year old and naturally is going to be hard to convince here but it’s not impossible, he’ll no doubt be going through puberty sooner or later if not already so there’ll be all sorts of emotions there.
Do they have any common interests at all? I don’t think forcing them to be alone together would be a good idea for sure but group activities where you all have to take part would be a good option.
I went fishing a couple times with my stepdad and…I don’t like fishing, so I was just standing about doing nothing and it was super awkward, being with a father figure you don’t particularly get on with like that is very much not a fun time and not going to lead to bonding like it does in movies.
Honestly you need to tell him seeking therapy and talking to his doctor are no longer optional. It’s impacting his relationship with you and his relationship with your child. And if by current events you mean the political climate the external factors here aren’t going to end soon and he needs to figure out navigating that before things spiral and it starts effecting his job, too. There’s no solution here that doesn’t begin with treating the root cause.
Unfortunately, you can’t change people if they don’t get the motivation to do so.
You both know he needs to put down the phone and be present. You both know he probably needs some medication. You both know he could heavily utilize some therapy. You both know he should be more involved in bonding with your kids.
There aren’t really any consequences that you’ve mentioned.
He knows what is going to happen without the change, and it seems he’s indifferent or apathetic about it. Or doesn’t see how serious of an issue it is to you enough to change, right now.
Your sons are not going to see him as a bonus dad, just mom’s husband who doesn’t care about them.
You say he loves them, but how is he showing that? Just financially? Because I’m not seeing any love between them. We all know actions speak louder than words.
He needs to start proving it.
He’s living in a self-fulfilling prophecy right now. He believes your kids don’t like him, so he won’t try and bond with them. He knows he needs to bond with them, but believes it’s pointless because they already don’t like him.
How was it when you were still dating? Did you have check-ins with your sons while dating? Before you moved in together? Before marriage?
If your sons mentioned something was off during these processes, would you have done anything differently?
I hate ultimatums, but you need to tell him how serious this is, and paint it as a deal breaker if it is one. It probably should be one unfortunately.
Don’t tell him your son said this, you tell him what you have been observing.
Your oldest is a teenager now, with your younger not far behind. Being a teenager is going to come with puberty and other life changes that will test your patiences. Is your husband prepared for that?
There is still time for him to get his crap together, but I worry he’s going to write the teenager off as a wash.
If he gets defensive, or turns it around on you, when you are bringing up something very important… I think that’s a sign the marriage might not be as strong as you think. He’s not receptive to change or growth. You probably shouldn’t be with someone like that.
I’m not saying you need to pause your life and happiness, and I’m not saying to divorce. But at the end of the day, your kids need to be your priority. They need to be around someone who actually likes them and tries.
You probably need to figure out your next steps if he doesn’t start trying.
Do not tell your husband and I agree that he should do more. I also want to know what are you doing to help foster the bond between them two when it is your son, you know your son better than he does, and your husband has only been around for 2 years.
At the end of the day, the comfort of your children far surpasses your husband’s comfort. He is kind and funny TO YOU, but they’re clearly not feeling the love you claim he has for your kids. They’re having an entirely different experience than you are, and your kids clearly aren’t enjoying his presence. I’m not claiming they hate him, but they’re clearly lacking any sort of bond with this man who is now affixed to their lives. You have to have a very serious discussion with your husband (without disclosing what your son said), and he needs to be receptive to listening without shutting down.
Edit for spelling
My definition of “good” and “kind” men do not include immature men like this. I wouldn’t ever want that for my best friend who I love dearly.
I don’t see this ending well, not because it’s unsalvagable regarding the problem, but im not sure your husband will be amenable to change. Not to be harsh, and i know it’s hard but you havent been able to get a grip on this and you cant let it to drift on like this…kids growing up in an unhappy home is bad enough, but the parent understanding why they feel that way and not addressing it is terrible. Not saying this is you as you’ve bought it here, but too many parents allow kids to be miserable just so they can stay in their relationship…
Now I’m not saying request a divorce, but harsh conversations need to be had. You’ve been unhappy for a while and you can see the problem is reverberating to the kids in a crucial time of their life and will shape their happiness and perception of relationships.
Hurting your husband’s feelings is secondary, you don’t need me to tell you relationships are about tough conversations and if you can’t bring this up because of how he’d react. Guess what? That’s a nail in the coffin because communication is the staple of any relationship
Unfortunately I can relate to some of your husband’s behaviours and apparent frustrations with himself. I resisted ADHD meds for years and years for various reasons (most of them fear) until about a month ago when I got broken up with basically for acting like this.
And let me tell you, lady, that shit immediately changed my life. For me it’s like Felix Felicis from Harry Potter; I wake up and actually feel like doing the things I’ve been wanting to do for YEARS, big or small. I take the lowest dose of Concerta (stimulant, didn’t work for some friends but great for me) and it not only stabilizes my mood, but I feel actual satisfaction from improving myself and my skills and completing things (who knew!) instead of convincing myself that I do.
It’s also helped my with time blindness and with actually being able to get off my phone/computer and get to the productive things I want to do. It’s crazy and incredible. It’s like that equity vs equality meme, where suddenly I feel like I can look over the fence and watch the game instead of just hearing it all the time.
Your husband might not get so lucky on his first try, but if he tries a few he might find one he likes and it could help him be the man he wants to be instead of whatever loser this is.
I agree with the other commenters, don’t bring up what your son said. Tell him that you’ve noticed that he’s not making any effort with being a parent, that he’s not engaging with the family and his distance is hurting the family/marriage. See how he responds and what actions he’s willing to take. Be clear that things have to change and that he’s got to be the one to make them.
You also need to decide what to do if he doesn’t take any action to change. You may need to decide between your kids and their wellbeing and him.
There’s a thing called building emotional capital. I remember having a boss tell me that years ago regarding developing relationships with your employees. If you build a relationship upfront, then you have the emotional capital that allows you to have tougher discussions with them when there’s challenges in their workplace.
It sounds like your husband has done nothing to build up his emotional capital with your son. So then when he gets upset about your son, not taking the garbage out for example, when he tells him that all he’s doing is digging into the negative.
It sounds like you and your husband need to potentially go to couples therapy and have some big discussions about how you want him to integrate with both of your children going forward.
As others have said, you absolutely cannot tell your husband what your son said, because your son will never trust you if you do that. But if you perhaps address this in therapy with your husband from what you’ve noticed, maybe you can address it that direction.
You keep repeating your husband loves your son. You can’t know how someone else feels. Maybe he doesn’t love your son.
This may be overly simplistic, but a good start is mandating “no phones time”. For instance, no one in my family is/was permitted to bring their phone to the dinner table. It’s only a 20 minute meal, you’ll live without it. It forces conversation, which leads to finding mutual ground and the ability to bond over something.
What you’ll most likely find is that dinner time will extend, because family members are talking and enjoying social interaction, they’ll tend to eat slower or engage in the conversation more.
Then you can extend that rule – we’re going to have family movie night once a week. Thursdays from 7-9. No phones, just the 4 of us sitting together to watch a movie. Someone new picks the movie each week. It will help everyone feel like they’re involved and included and will lend itself to additional conversation and therefore additional (hopefully) bonding.
In the interim, you discuss YOUR concerns with your husband and make sure he supports the new rules and actively participates in the conversations.
Without some form of bond or shared ground, discipline will always seem way out of line as the majority of interaction your son will feel is either neutral or negative. And while that ship may not have sailed just yet, it’s rapidly approaching.
I’m sorry to be blunt but ive been through marriages!! Not on medication very depressed and not being the man i should. Finally got with a woman who got me to get help for my mental health. My family life much better!!!! Hes not willing to change for the family then he doesn’t love his family enough. Kick him to the curb your kids happiness is number 1
I think you bring them up–the phone, the depression, the lack of initiatice in forming a relationship with you son, as YOUR issues. And I think couples counseling would be a great place to talk about them productively.
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The reality is you can’t make people change. Your husband has to want to do it on his own. And he’s not there yet. The impact is that he may always have a strained relationship with your son. That’s his cross to bear.
I think there is space for you to coordinate these things. It might seem like a lot but it sounds like your son wants a relationship but – as you said – he’s 13 and that’s not his responsibility. Your husband might be in a rut he doesn’t know how to get out of.
Maybe planning a no phones/no tech day with your husband and kids will help get the gears moving. If he truly loves yall then it shouldn’t be an issue. If it’s that hard for him to put the phone down you have a different issue.
My husband is the same with my older kids (who aren’t his). He’s there and he’s pleasant enough but never made an effort to connect with my kids on a deeper level. It used to bother me a lot and i found over the years it’s the man’s MO. He’s a “nice” guy but superficial and only ever does the bare minimum. You’ll come to realise this about your husband too, it seems.
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You husband needs to be medicated for ADHD if he is not. Doom scrolling, apathy, outbursts.
He has to put forth the effort. He has to take an interest in something your son is interested in and try to join him n that area.
He could have brought along your son to a hobby or interest he has if he would have tried earlier, but at this point he is going to have to go to your son’s area of interest.
Maybe they can run some Fortnite duos (if you son games for example).
>he’s still a child and it’s not up to him to form a bond, it’s up to my husband, the adult.
I’m going to push back on this statement. If your son does not want a bond, it doesn’t matter what your husband does. It’s not going to happen. You cannot form a bond with someone that does not want one. And it sounds like your didn’t and doesn’t want one. He just wants to sew discontent.
I’m also going to push back on the “it’s him specifically.” I’ve been around the block a few times. 99% of the time it does not matter. And it doesn’t mean that your son doesn’t think it’s specific. It means they refuse to confront their actual feelings. This holds true when parents of adult children remarry.
Aside from some of the other issues, It’s just harder to bond with older children, i think the majority of step parents will absolutely tell you that. If I started to live with my stepdaughter at 12/13 I dunno what our bond would be especially if you know they have a dad they love. I’d be trying not to step on bio dads toes personally.
Your son is also 13. My daughter had some intense feelings at that age about us and our parenting. I imagine she would have told my wife she didn’t like me.
Try to have him tone down the disciplining too, you should be doing it. Plan some family events where nobody can be on phone.
But if they aren’t a match personality wise it could just be they won’t ever be that close. I mean even with biological parents/kids it can be this way. Like personally me and my dad are best friends and text daily and talk about everything has been that way forever and while I love my mom she’s just not someone I would talk to for long as her personality is nothing like mine.
Wow, it’s like you are telling the story of my ex-husband. I also married someone who started strong trying to bond with my kiddo (who was about the same age as your son), and then petered out after he encountered resistance. There was a lot of time between the first and the last and eventually, we had to divorce because my son couldn’t take living in what became a hostile household, and couldn’t ask my son to live that way just to keep a marriage going. There were other issues, of course, there always are.
Like others, I don’t recommend you directly quote what your son told you, or reference the conversation directly, if and when you talk to your hubby; chances are he already knows, and might be feeling the change from your son. Instead, I would frame it around all of the other coinciding issues he’s having. That a healthy family functions best when the members are taking care of their health! That includes mental health. It’s time for therapy, and it’s time to face what has been holding back. If he keeps pushing back, or doesn’t go (my ex-husband said he would go…then didn’t show up. Or faked his way through it without any meaningful dialogue), then that’s the time to say, “either go to therapy and start working on the fractures developing in our family, or we need to discuss our future as a family”. BUT make sure the caveat is that you want to tackle all of this TOGETHER, as a family, that he isn’t alone, and that you aren’t leaving him to deal with his issues alone.
He doesn’t love your son! If he did they would have bonded already, you make the son sound willing on that. To form a bond you have to put in the time, doesn’t sound like that’s happening. I’d be worried that your son becomes resentful of you for making him live with someone who doesn’t like. Could be argued the lack of interest from your husband in your kids is a form of neglect/abuse. Lot of stories on Reddit on that topic.
I’m going to come at this from a different point of view. I’m a step mom. I don’t have kids of my own. Being a step parent is SO hard. Your husband will never be seen as the real dad. It sounds like he provides for you and the kids that aren’t even his… that’s a huge sacrifice. Honestly it’s on you to be able to get them to bond. Set up activities outside the house, and make sure to also plan dates where it’s just the two of you once in a while!
And as others have said, don’t tell him what your son said. That can be really hurtful to your husband. Before your got married, did you have a serious conversation about how much of an involved dad he’d be? Maybe he’s childless for a reason. And that’s not to say that he shouldn’t bond with your son but if your son has two functional parents in his life, your husband might not feel like it’s his place to bond with your son anymore than he has. I’m an involved step mom but it wasn’t always that way. For the first few years I was basically told I couldn’t do anything that was a mom’s responsibility and it really made me pull away from my step son. He noticed.
But that’s the responsibility of the partner to set those boundaries, i.e. you.
I think a huge thing you can do is to tell husband his only communication towards either of the kids cannot be discipline or negative. He can’t “ ignore” them and then jump on making them clean up after themselves. He can’t stay out of family conversations and then pipe up with a comment on their tone. Those of us that work in education do our best to establish rapport and trust because we know most kids do better with a good relationship. He cannot be viewed as a mostly silent jail warden.
I had this problem in a relationship recently, we were both bad phone addicted and played the blame game on who was on more.
I suggest trying even small “date” nights. Board games, phones away, movies, popcorn… phones locked away. We noticed a huge difference.
Also, therapy can definitely help, if it doesn’t get better or if he gets more depressed.. especially in the beginning giving up all that dopamine rush from the apps.