Hello,
so ive always struggled with socializing, and I am 28yo. ive never had a friend my entire life, never been to a party, almost never talk in person to others. like, i probably have less time talking with my voice than the average 10yo, so much so that i actually struggle speaking out loud, my voice is extremely quiet and just inconsistent and awkward due to having so little practice speaking.
i have tried socializing with others, meeting people ive talked to online, joined different groups/hobbies, etc. but i just feel there is something im fundamentally missing
even throughout my life, at family gatherings it was obvious i didnt belong, so I would either not go or just stay in the corner far away from others. or left home on family vacations.
it truly feels im missing something and others can instantly tell when interacting with me and want nothing to do with me.
this is a totally foreign world to me so i am seriously lost, but are there certain things socially that if you dont experience/learn as a child, it becomes nearly impossible to fix? if you think it is possible, how likely is it?
1 comment
I think the cut off age for making friends is 27. It used to be 26.5 but they increased it last year.
It sounds like you have an inferiority complex that might have been started by your environment and the people surrounding you but that now you are feeding and sustaining. Everyone is exactly the same as you except most people don’t keep telling themselves the crappy things you keep telling yourself so they have less voices in their heads telling themselves to shut up and they don’t belong.
If you figure out how to change what those voices in your head are telling you about yourself you will feel better about having conversations. Counselling might help with that. Mindfulness might also help you notice the voice and purposefully quiet them or change what they are saying.
Exposure therapy might help too. Just talk to people for the sake of talking people. Instead of wanting them to be your friend just assume that everyone you enjoy talking to already is your friend for at least a while until they move on to whatever else they want to do and be 100% okay with that forever.
If there are people that you end up staying in touch with and there’s something you want to do, go do it but maybe ask them to join you if you think they’d enjoy it. Accept that there is every chance they’ll be doing something else, they don’t liked what you’re wanting to do, they don’t feel up to doing anything etc. That’s fine and normal.
Ask ChatGPT for conversation openers. End every conversation with a smile and a “have a nice day” or something rather than an awkward silence.
It’s not about what your friend is going to bring to the table. You only control what you bring to the table and that’s 50% of any friendship.
Friendships should be easy or else you are trying to be friends with the wrong person or are being overly self critical. Friendships are mostly about enjoying each others company so you mostly have to enjoy their company. Do not try to make them enjoy your company. Just genuinely enjoy their company or don’t and move on. The rest just happens. That’s all I really can think of right now but I’m a fucked up puppy just like you and everyone else too so take it all with a grain of salt.
Remember though, the first place to start is with the things you keep telling yourself. Also, friends will try to ridicule, belittle and embarrass you. That’s one of the most wonderful aspects of friendship. You have to be able to laugh at yourself and find the charm in their roguish behaviour. It helps if you can also make fun of yourself a bit too. That’s probably something you might have missed out on growing up if you were always alone. People make fun of each other all the time and enjoy it and enjoy being made fun of. If you have a strict view of who you are and someone makes fun of you for it and you take that too seriously your can get anxious because it is threatening the rigid idea of who you are that you’ve built up in your head. That anxiety will only hinder your ability to make friends. Your idea of who you are needs to be fluid enough to be ridiculed.
If you make any changes in the areas I mentioned it mightn’t lead to friendships but if you don’t relax a bit in those areas then it’d be more challenging I’d imagine.
I 100% think it’s possible for you to make friends at any age but I think you have to work on yourself to unrestrict yourself. That is as easy or as difficult as you let it be. Mindfulness and counselling would help I think.