I (50F) am in a long term marriage to a man who is more than a decent human. He loves me; he’d break the law or break some heads for me and our kids. I love him too and we’re a good team in a lot of ways. But it’s clear the emotional connection I need, the interest in my inner life, putting energy into nurturing our connection – he is either unable or unwilling to give that. He knows what I want and need, we’ve had 30 years of conversations about it. He just can’t or won’t.
For a lot of reasons I am better off with him than without him, and have decided to remain in my marriage. I am not at all interested in other men; were I to find myself single tomorrow I’d never want to date again.
I’m looking for books or resources to help me think through what my boundaries are, ensure I’m not taking responsibility for him on things any adult should be doing for themself. And especially to help me (healthily, not angrily) stop expecting or hoping he will meet needs he has repeatedly shown he cannot. To figure out what my emotional needs are and how to get them met in my community at large. To stop trying to buy oranges at the hardware store and appreciate the hardware instead.
I am NOT interested in: therapy with him, conversations with him, or “have you tried telling him how you feel.” These conversations end up in me having to justify my feelings or experiences, or having to center his feelings instead if I haven’t found the exact right tone and time to approach (which doesn’t exist). And more importantly no meaningful change results. At some point “hAvE yOu TrIeD tEllInG HiM hOw YoU FeEl” just becomes a humiliation ritual. I’m interested in resources for me, my actions and my perspective. I want to move forward centered and whole, freeing myself from the tyranny of hope and him from the tyranny of disappointment. I want to lovingly accept this marriage and this partner for what they are.
Also would love to hear from those in similar situations.
Thank you!