So this is honestly one of the weirder relationship issues I’ve ever found myself in and I feel like I’m losing my grip on what’s normal here.
My boyfriend and I originally bonded over our shared love of nonfiction. We both went through this big Tudorian history phase when we first met, like deep diving into documentaries and nerding out about Henry VIII succession drama. I loved that about him, I still love that about him and I never, ever cared that he wasn't as intothe high fantasy books and shows I adored. It’s just never been a requirement for me that my partner shares every interests as me.
When it came to watching things we both would enjoy, it would be stuff like The Bear, period dramas that were on the more accurate side, gritty crime series, docuseries, etc, etc. We'd usually have good time with that but things have really changed over the past couple months.
At first it was just small stuff where he’d gently decline when I asked if he wanted to watch some of the more reality-based shows we both used to enjoy. Then he started making these little comments about how fiction is a waste of time or how fantasy is “ust escapism for people who don’t want to deal with real life. I brushed that off, because everyone’s entitled to their tastes. But as you can see from the title, it's become more than that.
A couple weeks ago, he started getting visibly annoyed if I put on one of my shows while he was in the room. Not even asking him to watch it with me just me watching something fictional and it was the same with books. He literally scoffed when he saw me rereading one of my favorite fantasy novels and said “I don’t understand how an adult can take that seriously.
What happened last night is what encouraged me to make this post. I was curling up after work with a blanket and my book, and he told me that he “can’t respect” the fact that I waste hours on makebelieve when there’s real knowledge out there. He said fiction is rotting my brain and that he doesn’t want to date someone who lives in stories instead of the real world.
I told him that’s ridiculous, I have a stable job, friends, responsibilities, I’m not ignoring reality, I just like my stories! It’s relaxing! It's fun! It doesn't hurt anyone! He doubled down and said if I cared about intellectual growth, I’d stop reading and watching fictional media altogether and stick to nonfiction.
I honestly thought he was exaggerating at first, but he’s dead serious. He said he doesn’t want that stuff in his home and that we needed to be on the same wavelength about what’s worthy of our time. I told him no, absolutely not, that that’s controlling and bizarre. He insists it’s not controlling but rather a standard for the kind of life he wants to build.
I don’t know if this is burnout, depression, some weird identity crisis, something he read online, or something else entirely but it’s making me uncomfortable and honestly I feel like disrespected and a bit angry. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore without him acting like I’m intentionally lowering my IQ by reading fantasy.
37 comments
That’s insane, tell him no?
He’s welcome to choose what type of media he consumes, but he does not get to dictate your media choice or what is in your shared home
Swipe left!
Sounds controlling as hell. Have a chat, always best. If he’s not going to let you be you, I think you know what to do.
wtf? Life’s too short to voluntarily deal with this kind of boyfriend-manufactured conflict.
eta: this is 100% controlling and bizarre.
This is not normal in a relationship.
This is deeply worrying behaviour from your boyfriend. It’s very controlling to dictate what you can and can’t do. Abusive relationships can start this way, I speak from experience. Please break up with him.
This is ridiculous and so controlling.
He is way out of bounds.
If he’s serious just move on because you can’t reason with this illogical prick
He’s off his rocker.
Tell him no. When does it stop? How much more will he demand you give up?
I’d be out the door if a partner tried this with me. I certainly wouldn’t have married my husband if he was like this.
Life’s too short to spend it with idiots like this.
What a pompous, pseudo-intellectual fool he is. People who are actually intelligent think that things other than fact are valuable.
Think of it as dodging a bullet, and get the hell out of there.
There have been studies showing that reading fiction sharpens memory, analytical skills, and certain social skills. Here’s a post from Johns Hopkins, a renowned research institution, about it.
https://biomedicalodyssey.blogs.hopkinsmedicine.org/2020/10/the-case-for-fiction-how-reading-fiction-can-help-researchers/
Reading is also good for your mental health and stress levels, regardless of what you choose to read.
And finally, everyone needs a little joy in their life. Not everything has to be productive and serious. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this; it seems like it could be the start of a controlling pattern.
He needs to learn about the neuroscience of creativity and how it activates the brain and is healthy for the brain.
Thank you, OP for reminding me why I don’t date people who are like this when it comes to fiction.
You can try to have a further discussion with him about this but if he truly refuses to budge or compromise, you need to break up with this man.
This is insane. I love thrillers, and fantasy. Both help to still build your vocabulary, and create vivid images in your head. You’re not just rotting away because you’re not reading about things that have happened.
This is super controlling and extremely bizarre. You’re not reading the book aloud to him. So, there should be no issue. And do you not contribute to the household? Is it not your household as well? How come he has the final say on what happens there when you both are both living in the space? You should be able to read and watch whatever you please. No one should be able to control that for someone else.
Does he think all art is a waste of time? Painting, music, theater etc?
Throughout human history there have always been a desire for the creative arts; the education system acknowledges that creative arts are a required part of a well rounded education.
I don’t understand how he thinks that, for example, reading a nonfiction biography about Shakespeare is worthwhile but reading A Midsummers Night Dream is an egregious waste of time?
He’s free to do whatever he likes, but he is 10000% trying to control you.
He’s being absolutely batshit.
Roll him out to the curb on garbage day.
Just putting this out there, you’re better than him. You sound well adjusted, mature, and capable of communicating. But this guy? He is controlling, rude, and doesn’t respect you. There are very few people who will put up with his bullshit and if you leave him he will either grow as a person when he realises what he lost or he’ll continue to be a complete child. Don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t respect you.
He can have the condition that he won’t date someone who reads fiction.
He can leave you over this.
That’s a boundary.
If he tells you that you can’t read fiction and then insults you for it, that’s controlling and abusive.
Either you two are incompatible, he’s abusive, or both.
Set the boundary for yourself that you don’t date people who insult you and act like controlling jerks.
Tell him “bye”.
People can read fiction. People can watch fictional movies. Not everything should be a documentary or scientific knowledge.
And no way partner should control it.
What an insane take.
Should probably question your relationship here and consider ending it.
Is that really how you want to live? Being with someone who belittles you and calls you stupid, I can’t respect anyone who watches a movie that isn’t based on a documentary, you need to stop watching it because I am trying to raise our standards of living.
Good lord.
Some people out here coming up with new ways on how to be miserable in life.
This is not even a conversation worth defending or explaining yourself over. One you say you’re being nuts.
I would honestly end a relationship over this because it speaks volumes for the rest of things.
He is calling you stupid and picking fights out of thin air… Not a person worth spending time with.
He broke up with you – accept it & move on.
(He literally said he didn’t want to date frivolous readers & in his opinion that’s you)
He’ll be surprised when you take him seriously & separate. Take a picture to laugh at later.
You’re not the one who is out of touch. Quite apart from the fact that a partner does NOT get to dictate your media choices, if he thinks you can’t learn and grow from fiction he is a fool.
Fiction promotes empathy and seeing different points of view. It’s an exercise bike for your brain and understanding. But even if that weren’t true, still not his call!
He sounds snobby, immature, and tedious. Unless there’s some medical explanation and he addresses it quickly, this is a HUGE red flag.
Let him build that life somewhere else. He’s trying to see how far he can push you into his wants. It’s not really about the books. It’s about control.
I don’t think he likes you anymore
So you’re boyfriend might be a fascist but I can’t really articulate why, but this is pretentious, annoying and potentially abusive and you do not want to stick around to see where this ends up
He doesn’t get to demand this. Dump him
This is actually scary to me. I’ve had a lot of differences of opinion about likes and dislikes with my various relationship partners over the years but never had someone unilaterally tell me what I can consume in my own home. This is not normal and a very big red flag.
Time to tell him you’ve thought about what’s worthy of *your* time and that unimaginative, controlling, judgmental boyfriends aren’t.
Which male influencer has he started watching a lot of recently? It just sounds like another ‘hustle’-adjacent way to go all in on efficiency or productivity or maximisation etc etc – when it’s applied to himself. When it’s applied to his partner- it’s just another way of controlling and stifling you. I say ‘another’ because it’s just one from a list he could have picked from. Some partners have to vacuum the carpet or mow the lawn to a set pattern otherwise their other half gives them the silent treatment for a week (it’s not just about yelling and being violent). Maybe he loudly or quietly enforces other behaviour or ways of thinking in you already, maybe this is the first one he’s trying out. Either way he wants you in your box and doing as he says.
I would be out the door so fast that there would smoldering footprints. This is absolutely controlling and ridiculous. He can’t demand you do anything, he can ask and you can say no. If he doesn’t like it he can leave and find someone that shares his exact tastes.
The more I think about it the more I dislike him. Setting this as his standard is fine but to demand it of you and basically call your intelligence into question would be a dealbreaker for me. Honestly I don’t think there is a good way of talking to him when he’s got this mindset.
If he doesnt want to date someone whos into that then he doesnt want to date you.
He wants to date someone else.
Dont change yourself to become someone he wants you to be. Youll make more and more changes as the years go on and one day you wont even recognise yourself any more.
You dump this bozo. Not only is he a pretentious jackass, he’s also patronizing and controlling. Telling an adult what she can and cannot read or watch? The fuck outta here.
It almost sounds like he’d been indoctrinated or something? Is it possible that he’s been listening to some dodgy self-help podcasts/ life coaches? Is it possible that he’s having a mental health issue like paranoia or mania?
Obviously, making demands on the media that you consume if he doesn’t also have to watch/listen is unacceptably controlling and you cannot go along with it. If it’s really a deal-breaker for him then that is bizarre, but you can’t let influence your freedom to engage with the art and media of your choosing.
Also, he’s wrong in my opinion, and I’m sure many other people’s opinions. Art IS valuable. Complex meanings can be conveyed through symbolism that can’t be conveyed through words. Further, although there is (arguably) an external shared reality, we experience the world through our own subjective lens, and so in a way we each have our own “reality”, and art speaks from and to this realm of reality. In this sense, fiction is as “real” as non-fiction, as it reflects real emotional, psychological, spiritual, symbolic, and fantastical experiences that we have. Without imagination, storytelling, and art, who would we be?
He’s right, you should be reading non-fiction. In particular, this book which you can read for free here: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This whole thing is major 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
first, this is controlling bullshit that shouldn’t be tolerated
secondly, I don’t know how you can stand to be condescended to by this guy. His ideas about intellectual growth are moronic and not worth taking seriously. Apparently he knows better than every thinker from Aristotle on down, and better than every university in the world that has a literature program.
third, I encourage you to post this on r/QAnonCasualties because this has the *distinct* ring of some far right manosphere bullshit. I can’t identify the specific source on this one, but I would bet this new belief isn’t isolated, but symptomatic of some wider idiotic radicalization
Can you imagine him as a dad, arguing with the school district about his kid having to read Charlotte’s Web or Where the Wild Things Are? No Spiderman costume for you, kid – you’ve got to be someone REAL on Halloween. Yikes!
Run, girl.
Trying to control your media consumption is abusive. Guess how I know? I was in an abusive relationship with a pretentious guy who only pretended to read the New Yorker to look good – but he constantly complained that I had a subscription to People magazine. He literally could not finish a book while I was literally reading Anna Karenina and other massive tomes for enjoyment at the time. He just HAD TO pick at my one guilty pleasure. It’s abusive and fucked up. Do not justify, argue, or explain like I did at the time and do a thoughtful evaluation of your relationship for your own sanity and future.
>he insists it’s not controlling
I think this says it all.
This is him spiralling about *something*.
Regardless, yes. It’s controlling. And it’s bizarre, to be frank.
You better not plan on having kids with him, imagine him reading a book about the rise and fall of the Byzantine Empire to your baby because fictional books like Goodnight moon aren’t allowed in your house. And you can forget about Sesame Street from the sounds of it too.