This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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The number of men in my area presenting on OLD that they got arrested or nearly got arrested in a foreign country or at an airport or have outstanding warrants or are banned from ____ and seem to think that’s, like, funny or bad ass is genuinely baffling to me.
What do you all think about cold approaching?
The thing is, I’ve been following advice from friends and dating coaches for eight years, all encouraging me to continue with this technique. My last coach told me he needed 8,000 cold approaches to find his first partner.
I’ve been doing cold approaches for at least eight years now; I must have done at least 2,400, and I haven’t had any results. But since I know it took him 8,000, it represents a long-term goal, which is better than having no idea what to do.
I spoke with several men and women who said it’s a very bad technique and that it will only continue to destroy my self-esteem. Have I wasted eight years, or do I actually have a chance?
Some information that might be useful: I’m 36 years old and have never had a partner, not even my first kiss or hug.
I’m on my way back from the west coast again for work and had a great time. Saw a long time friend I haven’t seen in a while after my summer trip to visit him had to be abruptly cancelled. Last night I walked alone on the beach as the waves crashed in and it was so peaceful. One of my drivers asked me what I was looking for in dating and it felt nice when I realized my answer hasn’t changed in the last year. Someone I’m attracted to who protects my peace and makes me feel loved. I have boxes of course but that’s the summary.
The woman I’m seeing has all the qualities that I want, but we’re not officially dating and won’t be able to for an indefinite amount of time. I’m ok with that. I’m not dating around in the meantime and don’t think it’s fair to go out with anyone who is looking for long term.
I’m going to focus on myself and my family and friends and revisit in 6 months.
I was hanging out with two of my single friends who are both women. They brought up online dating woes, which was quite enlightening. This eventually turned into some venting about men, including comments along the lines of “unfortunately, I’m attracted to men, so dating is miserable.”
I had a small ember of interest in one of them prior to this, but that comment totally killed any interest. Am I wrong in this?
Edit: Can some of the down voters comment please? I feel this is a reasonable question.
Do you approach seeing people you personally know on OLD apps differently, or not at all? There’s a girl I know personally from a weekly club that Im interested in, and she rarely appears at our club meetings for me to talk to, so I’m wondering if I should just message her
It’s a pretty close knit club where everyone knows each other, so I’m worried it may cause some awkward interactions if word gets around. But I’m also a serial over thinker too
To anyone else out there in an in-between place or two and struggling with the uncertainty, I see you.
A colleague of mine ended a call by asking me to share one good thing happening in my life, and the first thing I could come up with is “I turned my humidifier on.”
I yearn for the days of having a chaotically full life.
people who date women: how do you move from a match on OLD to a date?
i seem to be able to match with some cuties, but lose them in the chat. i’ll almost always message first after matching, they respond, i ask them a question or comment on something about their profile and then they just drop off.
should i get flirty right away? i don’t want to come on too strong and scare them off, but maybe i’m being too conservative and i what i think is a thoughtful question comes off as boring and interview-y.
I feel empty inside. Handsome as hell. But empty.
My FWB of the past several months broke things off with me yesterday. I think he started to sense that I was catching some feelings despite us trying to stay mostly in the “Friend” zone of the FWB (and he’s not totally wrong). He said a couple things that kind of hurt my feelings though and now I’m not sure how friendly I even want to stay with him. We’ve known each other like 7 years and have some similar social circles so it’s not like he’s some random person I can just ignore forever, but I think I’m going to somewhat steer clear of him for a while so I can try to move forward. We went through almost this exact same cycle earlier this year that ended the same way before we started up again a couple months ago. So fun to get repeatedly rejected by the same person!!!
Anyway. I am a little more bummed than I am letting on. I was getting excited to have someone to bring to a couple winter parties and NYE things which I thought he might do with me, but now I guess I’m just flying solo for a while. Maybe I’ll try the apps again in 2026. God bless.
Prompted by a situationship-related dream last night…
What did I think that it was appropriate to downsize what I want in order to receive love from shitty people? Maybe it was my “late bloomer” status in the dating world. I felt like I had to deal with whatever because I spent years in high school and college not feeling liked or wanted by guys.
Because I’m still wondering why I couldn’t just deal with the bare minimum that situationship was giving me in order to continue to receive some form of love/attention from him. Even though we were compatible in a lot of ways, it makes me wonder why I wasn’t good enough for him.
And I totally see the fault in my emotional reaction to his bare minimum actions. I just wish it would stop bothering me. But I’m trying to acknowledge it and not hide from it, I guess. In the past I’ve tried to move on to the next available man in order to suppress this one. And I haven’t fully had success with that either.
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Over a conversation houses, my daughter, 5, asked if we could move to a new apartment. Unfortunately, a good 3bd apartment here is well above my price range. I explained financially that wouldn’t be a good idea for me, unless I had another income in the home, like a spouse.
“What’s that?”
Oh, yea a girlfriend or wife.
“What about my mom!? You can’t have a girlfriend!”
But your mom had a boyfriend that isn’t me, that doesn’t sound fair.
“Well, that’s not the same. Daddies can’t have girlfriends.”
In other news, I won best dressed male in my office, so I guess I can’t use the ugly excuse anymore
If me and this girl have been talking nonstop 2 weeks now (texting all day, 2 hour phone calls sometimes) but only 1 date because of busy schedules. We both seem to have crazy chemistry. At what point can I be like hey I’m not interested in anyone else or dating others without maybe scaring her off. She’s never mentioned let’s slow down on talking or anything pace wise yet at least
I thought he had ghosted but it turned out work stress has him feeling suffocated and wanting to isolate.
I wish people knew the importance of communicating. Because the minute I read that, I instantly felt relief.
Now I can go back to hinge in peace… he needs space.
Sooo I am normally a very open and talkative person, I make friends at work super easily. I have a crush on one guy though and I just cannot treat him the same as others. Like I become a bit more distant, avoid 1 on 1 conversations, joke easily with anybody but him. We were both super nervous around each other in the beginning which made me feel like he likes me too (among other things). But now we are very slowly becoming more comfortable with each others company. I just cant be that warm with him like others. Smiling or looking at him? Hell no. We work super close with each other so its a little complicated, I just wanna know if Im delulu or not. Anyone else becomes colder around people you like? 🙃
I have been consistently abruptly discarded by people through out my life and I am sick of it. I have seen the pattern where they know they want to leave, but just don’t because their cowards (some self-admitted), until some big rupture or something has to occur and it’s just way nastier and messier than it ever needed to be. Just man up and break up with me.
Why are people like this? It’s so demoralizing. I’m left to pick up my pieces once again and they’ve already coldly detached. Thought I was walking into an open conversation about where we stand yesterday and was non-emotionally told “I’ve already decided”. I was given space to share my side, which does help me. But seriously please… avoidant people just LEAVE ME ALONE!
(32/M)After a lot of therapy and self work post CPTSD diagnosis over the last year I’ve gone from the most disorganised attachment imaginable and unstable life to feeling very secure and basically turned my life around, but feeling like a raw nerve as I’ve shed my defences one by one.
I met a 29/F on a dating app last week, she’s really gorgeous, we hit it off after she loved my opener and stayed talking since. We are meeting this Saturday, both too busy otherwise. Been texting every day since. Long, essay like texts. Really giving each other a lot of attention to detail in each response. She’s really consistent too, like she stops texting after 11:30pm when she’s asleep, starts again the next day on her lunch break and responds every few hours otherwise. We don’t have a huge amount in common in terms of things, but we’re both equally interested in each other so we’re teaching other about our interests and in some ways this has been even better? She gives the energy of someone from a good home who’s genuinely secure and always has been.
But since I’ve been experiencing all these things for the first in a “healthy” I feel very unsure about a lot, I’d love some thoughts from you
Mainly, she has kept the level very unflirty and conversational.- is this what a slow burn feels like? I find it hard to read if she’s into me. I’ve only ever known getting caught up in those immediately passionate unhealthy sexualised trysts. But I also have to remind myself thats what first dates are for and not to get too caught up in expectations. No more lovebombing intense weirdness for me. I’ve have responded in kind obviously and have been very respectful of this.
She has mentioned being burned the last few times she’s dated guys and seems resolute it’s not going to happen again.
Ok as I typed all this out I realised how much I like her/excited to meet her ahh this shit is terrifying !
How do you work on resilience?
I am currently nursing yet another bruised heart, and although I know I’ll be fine and I’ll get through it in time, boy, does it hurt.
I feel like I’ve grown so much in this area over the past few years, but sometimes it really does affect me more than expected.
I’m sad, I’m angry, and I’m frustrated that I so rarely feel this kind of connection to someone and they clearly didn’t feel the same after three months of what I felt was extraordinary.
The [Christmas fade](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/Z58W93HUZh) continues. Just a day after I posted about how early connections (the ones that haven’t reached exclusivity yet) tend to slowly fade as Christmas gets closer, I ended up having to end things with someone due to a lifestyle incompatibility.
On date three she mentioned she’d been in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships. Date four she said she leans more poly. By date five she told me she’s actively looking for a poly dynamic. She was genuinely cool and easy to talk to, but I had to be honest with her that I’m not polyamorous, and it’s not something I see myself doing or being comfortable with long-term. Better to be upfront now than drag things out.
With that, pretty much all the connections I made during the “cuffing season” boom have now fallen victim to the Christmas fade. I do have a first and second date planned next week with two women, though both are so busy (one with work, the other with school) that locking in plans has been a challenge. We’ll see what happens. I’m also debating taking my yearly break from the apps starting next week and deleting everything until spring. Tis the season!
For those of you on apps, how large is your radius? I’m about 50 miles (USA) from the nearest big city, and I have my radius set to 50 mi. I wonder if that could be something holding me back, or if it’s worth moving to the next nearest town 20 mi closer. But moving sucks, and doing it for the sake of an app radius is a little ridiculous
Guys … does anyone have any inspirational love stories to share. I know we go through these on reddit but I was hoping to find some newer ones. In need of something to help believe that it is possible to find someone better even when you thought the last one was it.
We’ve been talking for over a year. I know I need to give him the green light but I have no idea how
Should I be obvious and serious or flirty and suggestive?
Met someone recently. Had one of the best first dates of my life. He expressed interest in seeing me again before the first date was even over, though nothing concrete set up. He mentioned doing something this weekend that I kind of get the impression is something that he does with his friends. I wouldn’t be opposed to missing out on that because it is pretty early, but I’d really like to see him.
However, he did casually say that I should come watch his band play next weekend. Now, I’m like an introverted vampire. I need a clear, direct invitation, so I’m overthinking whether I should actually go to the show. Ugh.
Just a little bit (lol) of a vent.
I’ve been very introspective lately and working hard on personal growth. In a short amount of time I’ve made a lot of progress and I feel proud of where I am. I like the person I’m becoming and the effort I’ve put into improving myself.
Still, a thought has been creeping in that’s hard to shake: The possibility that the work I’ve done on myself and the ways I put myself out there might actually be working against me. I’ve tried to think of ways to have more success in my dating life but I keep coming up short. I don’t see a way to approach things differently or do more to have more success without compromising who I am or the kind of relationship that I want. That realization has been deeply upsetting.
I know the kind of relationship I want is very specific and unconventional, and it’s probably intimidating for anyone who doesn’t understand it. I also know that I am a deep feeling person and not everyone is comfortable with or able to hold space for that. I understood from the beginning that finding the right person could take years but having all of these factors come together now feels especially isolating and It’s been weighing on me more than usual.
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do women care a lot about how their date dresses? thinking of hiring a stylist to upgrade wardrobe. i have had compliments on what i wear but i feel i ma more “one note” on that either polos or dress shirts.. don’t particular like lots of layers though
I first tried Hinge one year ago, and it worked decently I’d say. By far my best experience on a dating app. After a while of using it I’d get on average a few matches per week, with some trickling in from likes I’d sent quite a while back. I was getting enough matches that I could afford to be a bit selective.
Now, one year later, it’s completely dead for me. I’ve been back on the app since maybe early-mid October, and just gotten a handful of matches in that time. Almost all my dates have been from Bumble, which has a much smaller user base in my area. I don’t get it. I know I’m not hideous, I think my photos are decent, and while it’s hard for me to assess my own prompts, I don’t think they’re generic. I even paid for Hinge+ to be able to send out more likes, and I put just as much effort into them as I did last year. Maybe being one year older already makes a difference? I suspect the algorithm just isn’t my friend anymore.
I’ve (37f) have been consistently dating someone (35m)for about 2 months. Things have been great, we both want the same thing, I’ve met his family, and coworkers he has made plans for the future such as a trip in feb, plans for new years. I had numerous conversations about not stringing me along and wanting the same things and for him to be honest with me. So far he has been, or what I thought he had been. He has introduced me as his gf and talks to me daily. Tonight he called me to say goodnight and I realize he had been drinking, and he says he doesn’t want to continue in this relationship anymore. I’m so confused, he doesn’t give me an explanation, simply says I deserve better, I try to ask why would he plans for these future things, l was at his house last night and we were snuggling watching a movie, him telling me how much he enjoys our time together, so wtf changed? He says it’s not me, that I’m wonderful, I try to ask what is going on, he confirms there isn’t anyone else, he says something about the “spark” changing. I don’t fully understand bc he says I’m wonderful in the next breath. He doesn’t explain anything. We literally were fine and all of a sudden it’s over and I don’t know what happened. He has a stressful job that he is trying to manage but it’s never been an issue for me as far as his busyness etc. His actions and words aren’t matching what he said tonight.
Why do men do this? This is the third time this year I have gotten close to someone and after 2-3 months they say it’s not gonna work. First time it was because addiction issues he wasn’t upfront about, the second time was because he had kids and trying to navigate parenting and work, and now this?! I truly don’t understand what is happening.
Went out for dinner with my co-workers today. Turns out all of them are partnered and they were discussing how they were going to spend the holidays with them, so that was fun. At least the food was good.
How do you guys navigate dating while also being in a really rough period of your life (that doesn’t currently have a visible end in sight)?
I am struggling with work stuff at the moment and I don’t know when the boot is going to let off my neck. I have hope it will someday, but admittedly I am pretty freakin depressed and scared. But I can’t really put off dating for too long… my bio clock is ticking and I honestly do want a partner in life.
My anxiety is just so bad these days and I don’t know how to enjoy those early days of dating when I’m also thinking about a million other things I am worrying about. I also hate the temptation to trauma/stress dump. I hate it and don’t want to do it.
Just feel stuck.
I wonder sometimes if the way I style myself puts men off. I have a fair number of tattoos, and I dress fairly “alternatively”, I’m very into 70s and western wear which I will admit is niche.
I love the way I look and I don’t intend to change it, but I do worry that it narrows an already small dating pool. I don’t have a particular “type”, but I’m drawn to men who have “flavour” which is what I’d define as men who have some unique look about them (tattoos, facial hair, interesting dress sense) or bookish, shy, awkward types
But I do wonder if the latter think I’m too much. The former doesn’t seem to be interested in me either. The guy I’m hooking up with is definitely the bookish type and I guess I can’t really see him going for someone like me longterm which has gotten me really thinking about all of this.
Signed up with a local match maker recently who matched me very quickly with a nice woman. We had coffee (not my ideal first date, I prefer bars, but she doesn’t drink and had some busy things happening). We had a nice time though.
We live about an hour away from each other, and traveling for her is hard (medical condition). But we agreed to see each other again to get to know each other better.
I’m thinking a museum will be our second date.