Ok let me be defeatist here, for all of us, for a sec, but I would actually love some advice or perspective that doesn't make me want to find the highest peak and jump.
It feels like I have to be Perfect.
Like, there's no room for mistakes. I can be fashionable, smart, talented, get achievements and nominations, try so goddamn hard every day to be a good person – but I'm not that funny and I don't make the best converstion. So I have to scrap and fight for every shred of goodwill I can get.
I just can't manage to make people laugh. I don't know why that is, but I've accepted it. But it sucks because it seems like that's the only trait anyone ever values. A guy can make the exact same mistake I made (present something that sucks a little bit) and on him it's endearing and funny. When it's me, it's like I can see the big Sims4 "-👥" icon floating above their heads.
There's this girl in my college class and it's pretty well known that she ch3ated on her boyfriend. But she's really funny so literally everyone likes her. Hell, I like her too, because she can deliver a joke, she's kinda nice in that odd, spunky way, and she has a big personality.
And it just hit me, that the amount of effort I put in to be anything more than tolerated, is worthless. Because there's this person that's done something most people would find morally reprehensible, and because she's socially savvy, every friend, proffessor and employer will find her to be a more worthwhile person than I could ever be.
It sucks. Shit sucks. It's really hard to go back from that.