I (30f) met my fiancé (33m) 6 years ago and it's been pretty smooth sailing since then. The kind of relationship that just feels easy. We moved in together after less than a year, then to another flat, we traveled together, supported each other through grief, pain and loss. I love him to death but since we started dating, he's been having issues with self-confidence. As for our characters : I'm a golden retriever, he's a bit of a black cat. He can be broody / moody while I'm very enthusiastic. I'm really a "schoolgirl" type of person, he's more of an artist. Here's the issue at stake :
When I met him, he was trying to pass an exam to have his own practice as an architect. He did not get it. He then tried to get into urban planning school. He did not get in. During Covid, he tried for multiple jobs and failed some interviews, before landing his actual job. At the time, i was really impressed, because he still managed to switch careers (architecture to urbanism) without the degree. He still felt he had failed.
Fast forward to this year, we are both trying for these exams to become public servants. In my country, you have different categories for these exams : he was trying for the A category, while I was trying for the A+.
His exam had a much higher rate of success than mine. Plus, he was going to prep school and had good grades all throughout. It's one written test, and if you pass that one, one oral test. He went in thinking he had a fair chance, which we all thought.
My exam on the other hand is known to be one of the hardest in the country. 6% admission rate, 5 written tests, 5 oral tests, to get into a school of what's called high public service. Branded as impossible to get if you're not going to prep school, which I wasn't, and working full time, which I was. I went in thinking it was just practice. I did not even start really studying until a few months before the exam.
Well, you've pretty much guessed at that point what happened : I got in, he did not.
He really tried to be as graceful as possible. Cheered me up, encouraged me, was super proud etc…But then yesterday happened.
His boss got the same exam as me and is leaving to go to school with me. She told him that another younger colleague would be replacing her, not him. He did not even want the job, but when he asked if I would have been a bit upset in his place and I said yes, but that it would be dumb pride or whatever.
Then he got really depressed / depressing, he vented that he was constantly failing, had been for 6 years, while I was having so much more success than him without even really trying, that his friends liked me more than they liked him, that I was going to leave him, and…I really did not know what to say except that he was wrong and that we were engaged and that I loved him.
He left for work this morning in the same mood and I really do not know how to be supportive without him telling me that he feels pity in my eyes. My biggest issue in this is that he is not entirely wrong : he has had major failures, while I have had success without hardcore trying. I feel like the worst obnoxious person just writing this.
Any advice ?
I know that most of you will suggest therapy but he tried a few years ago and got pretty traumatized by the psychologist, so I'm afraid that's a dead end.
tl;dr : my fiancé's had major setbacks while I'm having a very successful streak and he is not taking it well.