20’s age female
I had one boyfriend four years ago and … to say the least it was a whirlwind. I’m talking notebook style first love. Making out for hours every night totally obsessed saying I love you 50 times per day and constantly texting. We were going to tattoo each others names on our arms. We never fought, until we did one day, a year in, and broke up (I actually broke up with him).we got back together for a short while then broke up again because he was too hurt from me breaking up with him. He was my first kiss and everything.
The breakup destroyed me I barely ate for months and threw up everyday and couldn’t sleep. For the first year I wandered around in a fog. Cried everyday. Then life got a bit better, I bettered myself a lot, became more religious, went back to college, got my degree, saved a lot more money, moved, traveled a ton solo, met new friends etc.
It’s been four years now of living alone in an apartment while it feels everyone around me is in a relationship. I tried dating apps but I feel nothing. Absolute zero. I tried dating a guy for a few months but felt no love for him. Kissing him felt boring. He was nice and attractive but I couldn’t. I also had a couple flings. I had one hookup once with a guy younger than me that reminded me greatly of how passionate and like teenage-lovey my first relationship was and that sent me into tears for days later again. That’s the closest I got to feeling butterflies again.
But anyway, I’ve had a stone heart for four years, I can’t even imaging cuddling someone even though I want it so bad I can’t imagine myself in that situation. I’m so used to being alone. I can’t do apps as I can’t motivate myself to meet a stranger. Not interested in hookups.
And NO I do not want to get back with my first loves I’m sure we are both very different people now and I was hanging onto the memories, not him. I think of the memories of our relationship often, it doesn’t make me cry anymore, but it feels very very nostalgic.
I also recognize I need a spark to like someone. Those ‘slow burn’ type of things are not for me and I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work out for me. Attraction does not ‘gro for me. I’d rather be single. With my first boyfriend and every crush I’ve had, they made me so excited seeing them and I was very attracted from the start.
I just feel in a slump. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to be more open minded but It just feels ‘not right’ to like any guy and be with a guy that’s not my first love. Like it’s out of place or it shouldn’t be happening. I don’t feel romantic attraction.
Anyone been in my situation?