This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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Yesterday, he (32m) invited me (31f) out for lunch. We’d had an amazing first date, two good dates after that, and our fourth date was going well … until he told me that he’d realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship again.
We share similar views. We’re both politically progressive, and we have a really similar sense of humor. I felt like I’d finally found a wonderful, attractive, fun match. (Hard to do when you live in a rural area!)
I believe him, though. Either way — if he’s not ready for another relationship *or* if he’s not ready for a relationship with me specifically — it’s time to move on.
I decided to scroll through the apps again … and I realized that my heart just isn’t in it. I’m burnt out. I’m making peace with the fact that I need to spend the winter focusing on my own projects, and that I need to take a break from dating. I’m going to take three (or four!) months and work on myself. And I’m feeling a little more relaxed already!
Just started dating again around Mid-September after taking the Summer off following a break up. I’ll admit the first couple dates I probably wasn’t in my best form as it was kind of hard to imagine dating anyone else. Had one date where the line was long and I got there early and just totally forgot to ask the woman what she wanted while I was in line/trying to get us a seat so I just look like a total A-hole. Another date a woman faked being sick to get out of it like 15 minutes in. Another date she was an hour late cause she went to the wrong place and I was probably not in the best mood. It’s been rough but a lot of it is on me.
I’ve been talking with a woman whose part of a mutual group I am in here and there. I asked her out last night it was kind of on a whim. I saw her yesterday at the group and on the way home I was like, “Hmm, maybe I should just see if she’d like to go out sometime” so I shot her a message. She is a notoriously slow responder but my anxiety shot through the roof after and I was like, “Oh man, I hope this wasn’t awkward for her now.”
Anyway, long story short I forgot what it is like to put yourself out there after a breakup. I’m failing pretty miserably at the moment but what can I do but keep trying.
I tend to keep my distance filters close and only ask out people who are within a pretty small window but earlier this week I matched with someone who is about 53 miles away… normally I would move on but she sent the first message, another rarity, and the conversation has been nice so this morning I asked her out for a drink. No response yet but it felt good to try something outside of my comfort zone, whether or not she’s up for the date.
Went full recluse after failed engagement last year 🙁 Finally at the point where I’m ready to re-engage with the world and start trying to talk to people again. Feels good, getting my lust for life back 🙂
What era are you in?
How do you guys have the serious conversations about “what are we”? Background information- I have been going on dates with this guy for couple weeks now, I see him about once a week! And we’ve had sex on our 6th date or so. But I brought up the exclusivity conversation and he said he wasn’t ready but he’s not seeing anyone else. Which okay, fine. But I have anxious attachment style and I can manage it pretty well usually but the last couple days, my anxiety has gone up and I’m having a hard time finding evidence that he does like me internally and I want to bring it up. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I don’t want to scare him, but also I feel like I’m in the unknown internally and it’s causing more anxiety if that makes sense.
I started seeing someone (35m) and could really see it developing. After he’s been texting me all weekend but without rescheduling a date that got cancelled due to work, I finally said I only want to continue talking if he sees a serious future with me. After two months of lack of clarity and feeling like I’m just a hookup, I ripped the bandaid. It’s been two days and he still hasn’t replied. I’ve hurt myself more in the process because I thought we had something special developing.
For people who were unsure about someone in the first few dates but grew to really like the person, how long did it take and what prompted the shift?
I feel like I’m in some weird between category, maybe a few, that is making interest in someone and vice versa, hard. I’m not sure what to do or where I should even start to find men I may be interested in and would be interested in me.
I’m 36F with no kids, single/celibate for the last few years which I took to work on myself and be in a better place. Now that I’m in that better place I would love to date but feel very directionless.
I’m demisexual and can’t do dating apps. They just feel so shallow and disingenuous. I want people to see past my looks and want to pursue me for those reasons and it just seems to never work out that way.
I’m a passionate nerd about a lot of things, especially anime. A lot of men that pursue me seem to care nothing about me as a person and just want a physical relationship. When I do get involved with someone they will begin to talk down about my hobbies (anime, piano, orchestras, horror) and be insulting and try to change me.
I also feel like I’m at a disadvantage due to not having kids. I feel like it appears like I’m just some “cute girl into cartoons and likes weird stuff and not mother material therefore not relationship material”
I go out and do things and have tried dating apps before and all anyone does is talk about my looks, which I understand that is a common way to compliment someone. I just wish someone could see me and like me for who I am and not just a piece of meat on the market.
I would love to have a family, I’ve always wanted one. I had opportunities before but I stand firm on my decision to not do that unless I am sure they would have a good father, regardless if we stayed together or not and no one I ever dated gave me that assurance.
I would more than love to be a stepmother too but I’m afraid men with children might look past me because I have no children of my own and like “childish” things. I have had a steady career for the last 15 years, own my home and financially support myself and take care of my home and two pets but I feel like I’m just looked at as a causal hookup and I don’t know how to change this.
I feel like there’s no dating pool for someone like me. Like I’m too old, look differently than what my tastes and hobbies are, no kids, need time to warm up to someone and find an emotional connection before I am able to feel attraction.
I went to this guy from my support group’s thanksgiving the other day and it was so great. It was just me, him, and his aunt. First of all, his aunt is so awesome. She’s super rad. We bonded over our love of Adventure Time, especially BMO, and we are both into graphic arts. And they were both so welcoming. I expressed to him that I was a little nervous to drive home (I just got my license last year – late bloomer – and I have limited highway experience, plus it was dark and raining). A lot of times people poke (gentle) fun at my driving fears, like oh you’re 42, you can do it, it’s not that hard, it’s so easy, don’t be a baby. But he said “I hear you – would it help if I follow behind you? I’ll have to split off at 6th but I’ll be there for most of the drive” It was a nice offer, with no judgment attached. This thanksgiving was 200% better than last year.
would you explain to someone that fixing a date in 14 days is rude and kind of insane? context – went out on a date yesterday, was alright (no compliments, no bumping into me, polite, respectful, kind), texted me to go see an exhibition, I said OK next saturday, they say – next week SUUUPER busy, if I am free on 13-14? to me all this is just code for “I am not interested”, and frankly I do find it rude to suggest next meet up in 14 days, what for really, what’s your take?
Me, weekdays: god I wish I could go home to a companion after a long day of work to make it all worth it.
Me, weekends: omg I’m all alone and I can do whatever I want I’m never giving this up.
30M, never been on a date before. Likely due to neurodivergence. I’m also basically a “loser” by conventional metrics. Not sure how to appropriately meet new women or ask them out. Don’t have many friends, so they can’t set me up. Looking for a long-term relationship.
Would appreciate some advice, thanks.
It’s been a month and a half since my breakup, and while I don’t think I’m ready to date again quite yet, i am feeling much better about it all. I’m feeling more optimistic about the future, which i can’t say I was a few weeks ago!
May leave it until after Christmas before I get back on the apps 😅
Are my standards too high? I have always been very independent and might have a lot of expectations for my partner. Superficially, my boyfriend is 6’2, has a big d, makes $140k a year and is very handsome. In addition, he always makes time for me, has intriguing hobbies, is very intelligent, pays for all our dates, is quite handy, goal-oriented, and wants to create a life together. I love him but there are some things that make me hesitant on our compatibility. The first is that he still lives with his mom and I think their relationship is more codependent than I would like. He told me he would move out by the end of December, but it looks like he’s going to try to extend that. I don’t want to mother him or nag but it does make me question the validity of his word and his desire to be independent. I learned last night that his car was also a family car that he inherited, which makes me wonder how much he depends on his family. Since 25, I have been living independently and have created a pretty great life for myself. He also can be naive sometimes, assuming the best of people, while I am very skeptical of people’s ulterior motives. He also says he loves me because I am willing to go on adventures with him, but sometimes I question whether he really loves me or that I mold into his life. Would these be big enough deal breakers for you? What are your green flags and non-negotiables in a relationship?
The Spanksgiving event I went to last Wednesday went SO well. I felt super hot in my outfit (got quite a few compliments from both men and women lol), flirted a lot and just genuinely had a great time being out. I hadn’t done anything like that in years and it felt like my old self was coming back.
It also helped me get clearer on certain things I want in a relationship and partner. I’m feeling in a much better place about dating in general which feels really good.
I’ve also stopped obsessing over having the “perfect” photos for my dating profile. I feel like it’s starting to hold me back from actually making my profile public and in all honesty someone who’s actually interested in me will like it regardless of how all my photos look. I can always change them along the way.
Second date with Guy A last night was so great. Have second date tonight with Guy B. I like both of them a lot so far. Might take a solid 3-5 dates to see which direction I’m leaning more towards.
Had date #2 yesterday with someone I met last weekend and … I think I’ll probably not see them again.
It felt too serious and too trying — not pulling teeth levels, but the silence in between conversations and the nature of the conversations just aren’t something that screams ‘casual relationship’ to me. Oh well, tried.
I’d like it if someone could initiate a check in conversation with me. Or tell me plainly that they need / want X, rather than being jokey or passive aggressive about it.
I’m always the communicator, which is something I’m happy to do. I want to clarify and ensure we’re on the same page. I’d love it if I could find someone who does that for me, or is consistent so I don’t need to.
Had a sexy weekend with an old fling. It was super fun and nice to catch up but I was very happy to leave this morning, and I realized that now that the itch was scratched, I’m not interested anymore. V. Practical but also kind of depressing lol.
I got a pedicure and it was amazing 🙂
Best one I’ve had in over a year! It’s been a hard few weeks and I really needed it 💖
I just broke up with him. He’s not denying he cheated on me.
I am fully devastated.
For the avoidants out there, or anyone who’s done this. When you ghost someone you had a strong connection with and they don’t ever text/call to follow up, how does that make you feel?
Hey, take care of yourselves now. There are people in your life who want you there for a long time. Anything you can do to give yourself a better chance, try to do it.
Someone close to my family was found this morning having passed in their sleep. Just into their 60s, having lived a hard life. They knew too, telling members of my family in the last few weeks that they were scared to die. They weren’t ready yet, but knew the amount of damage they’d taken to this point didn’t care.
Just… be good to yourself. Go for walks. Reduce your stress. Eat well and love.
Hug your people and really enjoy your time here, it will come to an end. See what you can do to really make it worth it and to make sure you get as much time with the people who you care about ❤️
Not a throwaway but new account, recently ended a relationship without really a good reason. She had a mental health crisis that started as wanting to take time to heal herself so that she wouldn’t enter a cycle that hurt me, and that went well for a bit until she decided that she actually wanted no relationship at all. Before that switch it was nearly perfect, we were pretty far but still had 1-2 dates a week for the first four months. She’d spend the night at my place close to every weekend, we communicated really well, it was kind of everything I could have asked for? I was attentive and understanding and kind, we had great chemistry and communicated well. I really saw myself marrying her.
It just felt like she flipped on a switch that made her stop caring at some point and its so hard to live with that. My trust feels completely betrayed. It’s hard being back on dating apps again too because everything feels like a constant rejection, I’ll get matches and we’ll talk but the spark just isn’t there. I knew with her within a day, we matched and talked for hours. Everything was so open and honest and it feels like nothing can match that now. I know its not rational but it’s hard. IT feels like there’s always something missing with everyone else, either I have to navigate some kind of verbal game or expectation, I have to do that kind of stupid dance where nobody will quite say how they feel at first, or I just don’t find them attractive, and it really sucks to go back to that.
It’s probably too early for me to go back in to dating since even though it was falling apart for a month, it just ended last week. I’m picking up running and I’m going to try to learn the harmonica because I should really know an instrument of some kind, and I know intellectually that I will be fine, I do have friends and hobbies and everything, but it’s really rough. Love is very vulnerable and it hurts a lot worse than I remember, and it hurts so much when someone you trust pulls that away.
Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
Anyone with me to just skip December so we don’t have to feel the holiday lonelies for a change?
Hi! I’m new here. I’ve been doing the dating app thing for just over a month now. I am 1 year post divorce from a 25 year marriage. I’ve had almost zero luck matching with people. I matched with two people early on and after of week of texting I realized they were not real people and I was devastated by that. I was excited and happy someone wanted to chat with me (2 someone’s!) and then my bubble burst and I felt foolish. Anyway, since then, I’ve been more selective in my likes but have not had ANYONE like me back that I liked first. Is it normal to not get matches at all?
Maybe it’s because I’m stressed out by other things in life right now (made worse by the hectic feeling of the Christmas season) but dating is now feeling particularly stressful because I’m feeling a bit like I’m having to chase after several different possibilities.
First, there’s L. We had our first date on Friday and it went pretty nicely. Good conversation, largely fun evening and I kissed her at the end (followed by a slightly unfortunate encounter with a pair of drunk lads which meant we had to finish up much more rapidly and couldn’t linger much longer). Overall though, I don’t have any particularly strong feelings about her… It was a good date, but that’s I think because I am somewhat okay at having good dates…
It’s not a “no” though. As a wise person on here said, it can be immediately obvious when something is a “no”, but might take longer for something to be a “yes”. So, I want to see her again.
Meanwhile though, I’m also in talking stages with all three of M, R and J.
I was moaning about R on here just a couple of days ago in fact, but I think we’ve got a date sorted for this coming Friday. Just need to sort out the final logistics.
J has been super slow in terms of responses, usually 2-3 days between each one, but I get a really good vibe from her profile and messages. No good reason for that… Just a sense… So it would be nice if the date she proposed for next Sunday actually happens!
Lastly M. I will admit I was most excited by her when we matched and the conversation has been nice, but it hasn’t progressed super far yet. Asked her out in my last message and her pattern has been to go quiet for two days and then reply and apologise because she never checks the app…
Basically, three different girls, each I’m moderately interested in and they’re all being heckin slow to reply which makes actually organising my time FEEL bloody difficult. Not even mentioning trying to organise a second date with L…