Currently in a situationship with someone I dated for like a year. Relationship ended on my terms in May of this year. I ended up drinking, got drunk and called my ex and told him right after I did it, I know, no shame. Anyways he still wanted to work through things and I thought it wasn’t fair so we broke up. I’ve been in therapy, currently on antidepressants, trying to figure out my triggers and traumas and apparently I self sabotage a lot. I’m still learning about myself, trying to be a better person I know I already fucked up. We started talking again, the deal was to do the therapy on my own to start healing. Essentially, I didn’t heal before I got into a relationship and I know it’s been hard for me to be alone. Ever since we started talking again I’ve been doing all I can to make him happy and I feel like I love him more than I did then. The only issues I ever had with him was the fact he wasn’t financially stable. It ended up making me resent him. Also, it’s very hard for me to ask for things in a relationship, unfortunately I was raised off the whole “if he wanted to, he would” mentality but he seems so clueless, the last relationship he was in was in high school, hasn’t had anything serious since. But I’ve come to realize he gets really defensive whenever we talk about finances, he likes to tell me his problems and it’s just hard hearing him struggle like this. We have feelings for each other but I realized we can’t ever talk about finances or getting a better job, he gets defensive right away and it just sucks. I’ve come to realize that I do a lot more for him than he does for me and it’s primarily all because he has SO MUCH DEBT, like he can’t even pay for a date. It’s like the pink colored glasses came off and I realized I’m actually an idiot. It’s the small things, I DoorDash him groceries every now and then because he doesn’t have the money to buy himself nutritional food, he will buy fast food, if anything can make his life easier, I do it for him/buy it for him like care packages, doordashing him things when he’s sick, ask for his time, etc. I cook for him and all. Now, I’m stupid, but I can also understand when hurting someone, they won’t always be open to giving the same energy they did at first because you need to earn it now. Which I feel like I have, we confirmed we are only seeing each other and being physical with each other but I’m coming to realize he doesn’t really meet my needs. And at this point it’s like, I don’t know how to even ask for things without feeling guilty, because maybe I don’t deserve them for what I did? But we’re still working to get back together so should I ask? The whole asking thing is just SO HARD. I never did that before and it’s like a blow to my ego. Because I just feel like if he really wanted me or liked me, I wouldn’t have to ask or he would just want to do things naturally for me. But he just isn’t, I’ve paid for the majority of dates since we started and I feel like I can’t get out of this black hole, the dynamic of this situation is not what I’m used to AT ALL. My first love was very attentive, even in a manipulative way where he would do out of pocket things especially when I was upset with him, to win me back or make me feel loved, he paid FOR EVERYTHING, drove me everywhere but I can say, I was very selfish in that relationship. I just want to see a bit of care coming from him, a little more consideration like offering to help me when I cook, atleast paying for his half of the date, opening the passenger door, being attentive if I get hurt. I know my issues, I’m used to on and off relationships, so you guessed it, we broke up a billion times, every time I would end it, I would block him on everything (I know that’s super immature and I regret that now) this is a BIG PROBLEM because he has a following in the thousands and follows like 5,000 people it’s been something I was uncomfortable about since the beginning of the relationship and now I have access to nothing. I don’t even know how to go about asking about it, when we were following each other he was following a lot of girls. He was the guy that was in all of girls likes before we dated and it just was SO embarrassing, he told me he would delete his instagram if it bothered me that much but I said no and figured he would know what to do if he truly loved me, he deleted a lot of the girls he followed but ended up adding them back once we dated and the following list just keeps growing. But yea, idk what to do anymore. He sleeps with his phone in his pocket too and I’m at the point where I’m just like too scared to even ask anything. But he asks a billion questions as he should, because I shouldn’t be the one with trust issues, he should be, I understand that completely. So what do you guys think? I’m a psycho right? I’m really trying to show him I care, I’m trying to do the work and I’m self reflecting, I know nothing I do can really erase the hurt I caused but I’m trying to earn him again, I just don’t want to be played in the process. Do I even have a say in his following? Can I ask anything? He’s just the type of guy who can make me feel guilty for anything I ask ESPECIALLY after what I did. I don’t know if I should just end it all together or get my answers first, I don’t even think he will tell me the truth but I just want to see if maybe I can see for myself (which I know is toxic) but realistically I might not even have the opportunity, his phone is ALWAYS on him. Is it normal to be the one with trust issues after cheating? I know it’s so messed up, but I feel like I did this to myself, I can trust his word, he can trust mine but can I REALLY trust him though? I feel like I show my feelings through my actions, I know I haven’t entertained any men, I even feel guilty for it. But it’s like, he can play me if he chooses to, I just have been putting so much effort that I don’t want to be blindsided. Please help.