My (M36) and my wife (F32) are both vicarious pleasure lovers. We get aroused from each others arousal, but I feel like it’s creating a schism in the bedroom.

We both want to do things to each others body’s, but we don’t want each other to do it our own bodies. That doesn’t make much sense, but we are so focused on the other person, we don’t allow ourselves to get pleasure. We’ve brought in toys, romantic candles, tried different positions (which we don’t know how to really do), does anyone have any advice on how to get out of this mindset?