I (30F) just realized I’m the black sheep of the family. What would you do in my place?

45 comments

1. You can choose your family. You do not have to keep people in your life that hurt you.

   I wish you well. 🙂

2. Stop giving them money immediately. When they ask, tell them your feelings. They already treat you like crap, it’s not like it can get worse than it is. It’s possible the relationship can heal after a break and they realize how much they need you, but treadcarefully.

3. Your sister is 49 but your mom is 60? Is this a half-sister?

   Regardless, I would suggest cutting contact and stopping your financial support of these people.

4. Sounds like you’re the golden goose.

   Stop being used.

5. Stop giving away your money. They will figure out their finances as they seem to have money for whatever they want. You cannot buy their love. I suggest you move on and limit your contact especially when money is involved.

6. What would you do? What I DID was go very limited contact. I gave no money. I limited contact with everyone except my mother (she was the only one with whom I had a “normal” relationship). I was called names. Called ungrateful, until I threw that back in their faces. I let them live with their choices and actions regarding me. It took years, but I stayed married to the woman they hated (39+ years and counting), pursued my career, built my own life, and recently retired while everyone else (all older) still works. Some continue to ‘dry beg” and play at being poor, but that’s on them. I don’t offer and they know better than to openly ask. Had it not gotten some better, I’d have gone completely NC.

7. I keep a firm distance between me and my other family members. The back black sheep is usually the most emotionally developed member of the family. When you pull back, they’re gonna try to bring you in just be casual. Don’t tell them specifically that you’re pulling back. Just stop showing up.

   You will be lonely. It’s Thanksgiving. I am sitting on my couch alone watching 40-year-old Virgin.

8. Youre not the black sheep. They are ABUSING YOU. It’s time to go no contact with your family.

9. At 30, why are you volunteering for abuse? I would have paid my share and left them to fend for themselves. They would have cut ties with you cause of the embarrassment. All your problems would have been solved in one go.

10. Cut off the money. Just because they are family does not mean they can be rude and abusive, and you still help them out. You are not the black sheep. You are the white sheep and they are the black sheep. You are different in a good way

11. One of the hardest things for me, as a (31M) child of emotionally stunted parents, was accepting that the relationship I want to have with them will never happen. It is not achievable. They are not capable of it.

    This is a realization you need to make. Who are these people to you, today? What is the relationship you actually have with them? Let go of the fantasy and examine what is in front of you. Then, put your own interests first and decide how you want to proceed.

12. It sounds like you’re not the black sheep of the family, you’re the only one that is capable and not stuck in the cycle of abuse. You should seek therapy if you can. Read adult children of emotionally immature parents. Mourn the family that you will *never* have. And imo you should completely cut them off, and ideally move away t start a new life for yourself. These people are not your family. They belittle you and take your money. The final step of taking care of yourself is completely removing yourself from the situation.

13. Stop giving them money immediately. Withdraw from them. You’ve realized this cruel truth, so now it’s time to be kind to yourself and insulate yourself from the people who enforce the cruelty. If they can’t treat you like family, they don’t get to ask you for things, they don’t get to use you, they don’t get any benefits of your presence.

14. Please block them all.

15. You should stop giving money to your fake family.

16. Sounds like you’re more of the white sheep of the family as you’re the only one that has your shit together…

17. I caution the risk of sounding inconsiderate, but you’ve explained this behavior toward you NOT being something new, so why was your birthday the breaking point or revelation? If I knew you (as a friend), and your story, I wouldn’t be surprised at this.

18. I just don’t understand why people have kids if they’re going to treat them like this.

    Sorry your family sucks OP.

19. Do these people have an overall negative affect on your life? If yes, cut them off financially and emotionally. It seems like they use you because they can. Stop letting them.

20. I’d start at /r/raisedbynarcissists.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope your escape is quick, complete, and successful.

21. OP, I’m sorry for what you are going through. You are not the black sheep. That phrase means you are breaking the rules/norms that the family expects you to follow. You are being emotionally and financially abused and you’ve lived with it for so long you don’t recognize it. I wish I could give you a hug. Reduce contact with your family. Stop giving any of them money, even when they try to manipulate you with guilt.

    Find people with whom you have common interests and build a group of friends. Take the money that you were spending on these emotional and financial vampires and start getting some therapy for yourself. You deserve to be loved and valued, and you aren’t going to get that from your family.

22. You are a scapegoat, your sister is the golden child.

23. So, you realize you need to stop pouring into these people who only care about what you can do for them. Good for you for seeing the situation for what it is.

    Start with your phone. Focus on changing how you respond to their communication. Don’t strive to be as responsible as you possibly can. Let their voicemails and texts “marinate” a bit so you can formulate responses that don’t drag you into drama or financial input. If necessary, change how they are labeled in your phone’s contact list yo things like “Do not Answer” or “Do Not Lend.”

    When you do respond, gray rock as much as possible. Don’t share intimate personal information with them. If they start to criticize you, tell them something came up and you have to get off the phone.

    Take all that time and energy that you used to put into your family, and redirect it to yourself instead. Do things you like. Spend time with people who appreciate you. Lean in to being the “black sheep” and build the amazing life that would not be available to you if you were catering to your terrible family.

24. Fuck it. Lean into it. If how you feel is neglected by your family then start neglecting their needs as well.

25. Hey dudette – keep your chin up.

    Sounds like you are the golden goose and don’t appreciate you. If possible cut ties. Maybe if you thought about it – if you ever thought about moving to a different city but felt you couldn’t because you’d be away from your family. Now would be a great time.

26. look up codependence. This is classic. Its hard but you have to break free. They do nothing for you and will always resent your success.

27. Keep your money and cut them out.
    I have hundreds, by now possibly thousands of relatives in my area. Dont talknto any of them and im happy

28. First of all, I am sorry your family sucks. Second, you are awesome. Don’t forget that. There is nothing wrong with you. They are just a bunch of jerks. You need to make a decision to distance yourself from them or you are to let this behavior continue. How far the distance is up to you.

29. Holy shit, stop giving these people money yesterday. Yes you are being abused.

30. Yours sounds like a lot of stories I hear on r/raisedbynarcissists …

31. Stop giving them money. What are you doing?!

    You don’t owe them nothing.

    They can be rude but you don’t have to put up with it.

32. To start:

    – Stop sending them money. Stop paying for things. Tell them up front before you do any activities together, “I’m focusing on saving for my future* so before we go out I’m warning you ahead of time, I can only pay for my own meal.” If they say they can’t afford it or don’t want to go out with you if you can’t pay for them, *good*. You’re paying them to abuse you as it is. Appalling to buy somebody dinner on your own birthday and then have insults flung at you, to boot! No more of that. They can at least pay their own way if they want to be around you, sheesh.
    – A lot of people are going to suggest you cut ties and I don’t disagree, but I know how tough that can be. But you can at least stop giving money and see how your relationships with them evolve. If they’re already this bad when you give them so much, I suspect they’ll make it *very* easy for you to fully commit to cutting ties, but who knows, maybe it’ll be a wake-up call for them.
    – * You might do a quick read-up on “gray rocking” if you’re not familiar with it. It’s important to be non-specific here. Don’t tell them any specifics; don’t give them anything to grab onto to shoot down. Any specific reason you give that you’re saving, they’ll insult and undermine. Just keep it vague and don’t give details. This is also a good way to dip your toes into cutting ties without the hard cut – it establishes emotional distance without refusing contact. But for certain stop giving them money!

    – Get in therapy if you possibly can and aren’t already. There’s a lot here and you really shouldn’t have to work through it alone.

33. I’m sorry your parents hurt you this way. Given the age gap between your mother and your older sister, were you an affair baby? Or were you actually your older sister’s kid and you were raised by your grandparents? None of this excuses their behaviour towards you, but it might give an insight as to why they act the way they do.

    Why is your single status at 30 an embarrassment when your single sister at 49 isn’t?

    The birthday dinner surprise was a nasty trick, but now you know where you stand with them. It looks like they kind of see you as a cash cow, so it might be time to close up the purse. It also looks like they will find fault with you no matter what you do or how successful you become. It might help to spend less time with them and to build up your social network outside of your family.

    It took therapy for me to get to a point where I could step back and invest only as much energy into my relationship with my parents that they were willing to give back. There is also a grief that comes with the realization that ones’ parents are not capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Therapy can help with this, but it also helps to build up your social network outside of your family.

34. They’re the heroes showering you sister with money but forgetting to mention it’s your money. Let them know that with the money they send your sister they obviously don’t need any of your money and 49 is too old for a monthly allowance. And remind yourself over and over that people treat you as you let them

35. Reek havoc and walk away like a boss

36. I’m the black sheep of the family and also 30F. I was abused and neglected since I was a child, I was raped when I was 13, my family knew and did nothing. My sister was like yours, kept asking me for money and stuff like that. So when I was 28, I decided to cut them off and signed off the paperwork for giving up my inheritance.
    Now I am happy, I’m at peace, getting to know the real me, the healthy version of me and I am LOVING life without their bullshit. The pain and guilt after and before cutting them off was overwhelmed and horrible, but in my experience, it sets me free.

37. I’m sorry you had to experience all of that. If they don’t love or respect you, you should just quietly break up with them. No phone calls, texts, cards, etc. If they need money, tell them you are broke and struggling (I assume you are doing well for yourself and they don’t have to know that). Your parents and sister seem toxic, and you should just keep them away from you. You will be much happier and less stressed.

38. Girl you’re 30 and grown . Why’re u even around these people ? Stop giving them money and cut them off . Go no contact . These people clearly don’t care about u at all , u said it yourself they wouldn’t pay for a $2 coffee for u

39. 100% the reason I don’t talk to my parents anymore. My older sibling was their favorite, they did everything with them… meanwhile they would barely call or visit me… so I just gave up and got on with my life without them.

40. I send money at holidays and that’s it, and it’s not a lot. It’s hard to stop once you start, but that’s it. “I cant right now” is plenty of explanation. And it’s not a lie. You can’t because it fuels their emotional abuse. You can’t because you don’t want to. You can’t because it’s not in your financial interest. You just can’t. They don’t need the rest of the explanation. Then you can decide what you want the rest of that relationship to be.

41. I’m also the black sheep, but I knew from a young age. For my 12th birthday my mom gave me a little stuffed black sheep and told me that I was her little black sheep. So that was cool. But reading your story, sounds like they’re looking at you like their bank account. Cut ties with them, do not let them manipulate you into paying for things for them. I know it’s hard, I get it, I’ve been in a similar situation. You have to do this for yourself, you’ll be so much happier. These people are mean and nasty and they don’t see how lovely and wonderful you are.

42. My mother was the goat in her family (not Greatest of All Time, but the actual goat), which is not an uncommon position for the youngest daughter of a large family. She was expected to stay single and have a job and mind/spoil the other’s kids and mow the lawn and support her parents. She did this, and STILL got scorn. Then she got married (at 38) and had me and my brother and HOO BOY they still gave her shit. And oh, how they gloated when my piece of shit dad left.

    My mother NEVER cut them off, and the repercussions (she’s gone now) definitely affected me and my brother. PLEASE for your own self but also for the mental health of your future family, should you choose to have one. Sending you big hugs.

43. I had a similar revelation at 22. I was the only one in my family trying to maintain a relationship, so I just stopped extending the olive branch. I’m now 32 and it was a great decision.

    I lived 3 hours away but I might as well have been on the moon to them. Even when I was there my existence was ignored. After 10 years I moved across country and they made a big stink about missing me and not wanting me to go. But the reality is I have talked to them a handful of times since I stopped putting in all the effort.

    Family who wants you to do all the heavy lifting isn’t family.

44. I think perhaps its time you started looking after yourself. Join some clubs that interest you, start creating a support network of chosen family.

45. My son’s roommate is also the black sheep, scapegoat, etc. He’s only 19, but has found he is strong and brave and a hard worker. It’s been so hard for him to navigate this world alone, and we are all so proud of him. So I do have some idea of what you are going through. The only way out is to move forward. His choice is low contact, has not yet moved to no contact. I hope you find your way.