Hi all!
My husband (36m) and I (28f) got married this past July. I love being married to him; he is kind, helps me when I need his expertise in almost anything, listens to me, and is my better half in many areas of life. We bond over our mutual hobby of dance and attend church together every Sunday. I really love him and am so grateful he is my husband.
One bump in the road thus far has been our sex life. We both abstained while we dated and were engaged (3 years total).
Then we got married! I was so excited to make our sexual debut together, and… we struggled to consummate the marriage during our honeymoon. I really struggled with this emotionally. We eventually did get it done, but then hit a few-weeks-long period in which I was nearly constantly initiating, and he would say yes but then would later come up with weird excuses (the classic “I’m too tired” or just scrolling through Facebook marketplace while I waited for him to log off and spend time with me). I tried almost everything I could think of to get the plane off the ground: initiating at different times of the day, planning it out, being spontaneous, lingerie, trying to get him in the shower with me… nothing worked consistently. My self confidence tanked.
We talked about it (numerous times), and he never really articulated a reason why it felt he was avoiding sex. That is, until one enlightening conversation in which he told me he felt a pressure to perform or please me. This was a surprise, since that is SO NOT how he approaches most things in life; he is generally optimistic and has a great mentality when approaching things like working out or learning a new skill. I assured him it was so much more important to me to not feel rejected, and that I really just wanted connection with him. This was the jump start we needed, and things definitely improved.
(Though, I do want to note: One thing I’ve noticed within myself is, ever since the weeks-long period of feeling rejected almost constantly by him, I definitely don’t get turned on as quickly or as often by him. I feel a lot more cautious than I did, which honestly bothers me a lot.)
We average around 2x per week, which I was ok with. I was excited when he brought it up to me last weekend that he would prefer to be intimate a bit more frequently. I thought, “Amazing! We both want the same thing!”
And for some reason… all of a sudden, this week has been horrible for us. Each day we have both said, “I’d love to have sex tonight!” And it just doesn’t happen. I am usually waiting for him to initiate, he doesn’t, and then the night is gone.
It happened like this Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and now… Wednesday. I need help dissecting how this all played out.
We had a friend over for dinner, who left around 9pm. We started making out and turning the lights off in the apartment. He used the bathroom, and when he came out, I reminded him that we had laundry on the bed we needed to fold. We got that done, began connecting again, and I realized I was missing an earring from one of my ears that were a gift from my mom. (In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given this too much thought, but I assumed it’d be on our couch and easy to find, so I asked him to help me look for it.) We didn’t find it, and though I was honestly a little upset (I live far from my family and get attached to items that remind me of home), I said it was ok. We had joked about me being blindfolded tonight, so I found a bandanna, tossed it at him (though I didn’t say anything), and told him I was going to the bathroom first to take off my makeup. I came back into the bedroom, and he was reading an article on his phone. I scrolled through instagram as I waited for him to put his phone down (exact same pattern as when we were having problems…). We snuggled, then he rolled over. I was confused and told him that I thought we were going to have sex tonight, and he said that when we went to look for my earring, I didn’t “seem in the mood” and that he felt the moment was gone. I got upset and told him sometimes you have to create the moment. He countered by saying now he was too tired.
I am pretty frustrated and am currently cooling down on the couch, typing this out. This is just one of many such instances, and I am sick of them playing out like this!
I understand that he perceived my worrying about the earring as me no longer wanting sex with him.
I suppose I am frustrated and confused as to why a tiny bump in the road seems to completely derail him. What is going on there?
I know that some of this is me still being newly married and over analyzing, but it is truly so hard to struggle with something that we are often told newlyweds don’t typically struggle through, therefore was not on my radar would be something we’d struggle with. Thanks in advance for your advice.