I just feel empty.
I went through our bank statements a couple days ago. I was suspicious of my husband hiding something based on a few interactions we had previous. I discovered he paid for a couple things on Only Fans, 5 years ago. My stomach dropped.
We both grew up in an intense religious environment that we both have since stepped away from. It was the type of religion that claimed "sex outside of marriage is one of the greatest sins", so no Premarital sex or masturbation. I had and still have a lot of religious trauma around sex. Its hard to flip the mental switch of being told sex is evil your whole life to hell yeah go for it once you get married. On top of all of that, I have a lack of self confidence for sure. We've been married for 9 years and in the past couple years I've been able to have the lights on while we have sex.
Porn is ok in our marriage. I rarely watch it myself, and when i do its very generic. Im not following any actors and honestly rarely seek it out. I had assumed my husband was also just watching generic stuff. I know I know I know, we should have specified boundaries. I feel paying for only fans content steps waaaaay outside of my boundaries. To me its cheating since hes paying a specific person for their specific content. Also there's a ton of free porn out there. Like I said, we didnt specify so thats on me. Here are the things that bother me though:
1) The two times he had bought the Only Fans content were when we were actively trying to (and successfully!) Conceive our youngest child. When I confronted my husband about the payments, he just said he had a higher libido then. But we were having a lot more sex than usual. His libido has dipped the past few years but he recently started a new medication that has increased it. Im so incredibly paranoid now, given that he claimed his increased libido back then was the reason for the purchase.
2) I found the girl he followed. I found her reddit, and I am ashamed to admit I did look on Only Fans to see what she posted during that time. It seems that the only benefit from her only fans page is that you can chat with her there and only there. The content is the same as her reddit. My husband swears he never messaged her but has also conveniently forgotten his login.
3)Between now and then I have asked him point blank if he ever bought porn. He claims when I asked him those times, he forgot about the only fans payments. Right.
After all this came to light I did search through his phone. Found out he follows specific porn stars on different social media sites. Here's the thing. All of them, plus the OF model all have huge tits. I am so insanely flat chested. I found screen shots of these women and asked him why he had so many photos of women that look absolutely nothing like me. He said it was just porn and what not, but he has a folder of my nudes on his phone and when I asked why he needed those screenshots if he had photos of me, he didnt answer. In the past when I have brought up my insecurity with my chest, he said he just likes natural boobs. Based on his searches, he just like big boobs. Natural or not.
Also in my search on his phone, I saw that he had downloaded Tinder the valentine's day after he bought stuff on Only Fans. When I was 7 months pregnant. He absolutely refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant, claiming he didn't want to hurt the baby (hilarious since my boobs were actually bigger). When I confronted him with the tinder download he claims he has no idea how that was showing up on his previous downloads. I should note that tinder isnt on his phone now.
Here's where im stuck. This man wants me to believe that a) he never chatted with the OF model, b) he "forgot" he had purchased OF when I asked him point blank if he ever bought porn, and c) that he has no idea how tinder magically installed itself on valentines day when I was 7 months pregnant. Just believing him on one of those feels insane but all three???? OK.
I have tried before to talk about our sex life with him like preferences, kinks and what not. He has never been receptive. Its already difficult for me to talk about given my upbringing and with being shut down with every attempt ive made has not helped. When all of this bull shit with the only fans and my insecurities with it came to light, his solution was "we need to spice of our sex life". That felt incredibly insensitive and I said it would be a loooooong time before I felt comfortable having sex with him again. We instead went with my idea of a marriage counselor. We've gone to one session but idk. I still feel like shit.
I honestly dont know how im ever going to feel comfortable naked around this man again. Im clearly not his type. He never says my name when we have sex, despite me asking him to, which leads me to believe he is thinking of someone else. The thought of having sex with him now fills me with so much anxiety. I just dont know how to get passed it. Any advice is welcome.