Hi, (this is Loooong).
My wife (F48) and myself (M57) have been married 24 years. We have a nice home, 2 children- a girl & a boy. Daughter is in her 3rd year of college and son is graduating high school.
We are both college educated professionals. Combined we earn about 180k per year. I work long hours in a highly technical field and went through a layoff and a pretty rough career re-start back around 2016. My wife now makes a good bit more than I do after a stable career progression and promotions.
Our entire marriage- from the time our kids were young my wife has been unhappy.
I'm an only child and had a close relationship with my elderly, widowed mother and that pissed my wife off. My mom passed back in 2015 at 84 years old.
We (my wife & I) both mutually agreed 100% to buy our older, nice, 'forever home' shortly after we married and the home has been a financial burden the entire marriage. We have fought over money and debt our entire marriage. Neither of us, however, wanted to downsize or move to a smaller home. Our home is perfect for us, has nice space, and is on a nice piece of land. It's a home anyone would be proud to live in forever. The American Dream. We both have never wanted to move and preferred to just 'make it work'. We are at this point, about 7 years from paying it off.
We afforded it by using credit cards unwisely over the years (vacation here & there, repairs, whatever) until we had substantial CC debt.
We eased that debt back 6-8 years ago by doing a debt consolidation combined with a home equity loan. We no longer rely on credit cards to afford things- we just don't do things anymore at this point. Most of what we did do was for the kids to have life experiences (Disney, beaches, mountains vacations etc.)
The house, although it's a nice 2800 sq ft brick home on about an acre, is not in great condition at this point because while we could afford the mortgage, we have never been able to swing the big ticket items for upkeep and maintenance. The roof is 25 years old, and it will cost 22k to re-roof it. The septic system gives problems and needs 10-15k to repair it. Our deep well system is slowly losing pressure and volume and we had it looked at and it needs re-done to the tune of 6-8 k.
The house has some wood rot around a few window sills, some facia and soffits need replaced and trim work done, and our air conditioner crapped out 5 years ago and needs a complete overhaul for about 15k.
We cannot afford ANY of these repairs- with our mortgage, car payment, consolidation payment, and utilities/living expenses for a family of 4 with one in college we are living check to check- and have been. All of our appliances are older, and our oower bills are through the roof- about $800 a month during summer, about $400 during winters. Just eating us up.
Now, the kicker. I still own my mother's house that was left to me upon her passing. It is payed off, and was left to me free and clear. It is near our home, is a brick home as well. It has very much the same type problems our house does- needs a roof, needs paint, needs rotted wood replaced, needs plumbing issues fixed, needs a complete interior redesign. I have hung onto it since my mom passed. We moved my wife's mom into it after my mom passed, but my wife's mom passed as well suddenly after just a few years. It has been vacant now since 2017. I have floated the idea of selling our house, and moving into mom's old house a number of times since it's payed off- but was met with a hard no from the wife.
Originally, I kept the house with the intention of fixing it up and renting it out. But I have realized the hard truth that we do not have, and will not have- the resources to do that.
A LOT of my stuff is stored over there- tools, shop equipment, ginsmithing shop, boat, car, sports gear, music equipment, all my mom's stuff from living there almost 60 years. All stuff that I really don't have space at our home for, but have not wanted to get rid of. My wife's mother's stuff from her old home is crammed in there as well. My mother had FILLED the attic completely with our family's stuff. Old family furniture, heirlooms, my family's library, all manners of decorations, all my childhood toys and trinkets, plus every paper I ever generated in my life in school and elsewhere- she organized, boxed up, and stored EVERYTHING.
My wife has wanted to sell my mom's old home since the day she passed. I have not wanted to sell it because it's full of my familys stuff, and also because I really did want to fix it up and rent it, it was my childhood home, my kids might want to live in it one day, WE might want to downsize and live in it one day, and if our marriage failed, I might want it one day.
My wife makes a huge to-do about how much it costs us to keep the old house. It costs us $55 a month in electricity, and about $260 a month in homeowners ins. That, plus property taxes comes out to the home costing us around $525 per month to just keep it. Our take home pay for a month is around 10-11k. In my estimation, the storage it is providing, plus keeping the option open to live in it if needed, has been worth the expense. My wife vehemently disagrees, and has in the last year, gave me ultimatums about selling that house, and getting rid of stuff like classic vehicles (boat, car) I've had 20+ years.
It has reached the point where we are not speaking, fighting all the time, her supercritical of everything I do, and her doubting our entire relationship. The stress of it is affecting me in every way and causing me to be depressed, and also affects my job.
My point of view, is, I have NO car payment for my vehicle (it's been payed off since 2012). My entire paycheck goes into our combined account and other than buying groceries, stuff my wife tells me to buy, stuff for the kids, and a few very small (sub $100) hobby things I might buy, I spend no money on myself. Every penny I make earning 60-80k since we bought our house 20+ years ago goes towards the affording and managing of our home. The things I do have, are things I bought before we got married, or inherited from my parents. I have never had a newer car, nor any hobbies that were costly. My thoughts are, if I want to hang onto mom's old house, and I spend no other significant money, I should be able to until such time I decide differently.
I go over to my moms old house a couple times a month and mow, and attend to the yard during the growing season. We have not spent anything on repairs and upkeep.
In the last few years I have finally conceded that it is hurting us to keep it any longer. My wife does not understand the effort and time that goes into trying to clean a whole house out whole working a job full time as well.
I had let the yard get overgrown, and spent summer before last trying to reclaim it, and deal with a bunch of downed trees from hurricanes, etc. (summer is the slow season in my job when I can devote time to it).
This last summer, I continued cleaning up the yard, and we also had another hurricane come through last year (Hellene) that downed a few trees and caused a lot of cleanup to have to be done. We can't afford to pay this work done- I have no choice but to handle it myself as I am able. At my age, I am not as able as I used to be.
I did get into the actual cleaning out of the house, and go through a LOT of stuff. I threw away two 30 cu yd rolloff dumpsters worth of stuff. My daughter and I organized and sold a good number of items on marketplace as well. There's probably 2 more rolloffs worth of stuff and the attic yet to be gone through. The rolloff dumpsters cost $675 for a month. We can't afford them except if we specifically save up for one. We couldnt even afford one for several years.
My wife got very mad at the end of this summer when the house clean out was not completed. She has been NASTY to me. Silent treatment, kicking me out of the bedroom, blaming me because we cant buy our 16 year old son a nice car. Blaming me because we cant go on a vacation. Blaming me for not being able to do all the repairs to our own home. Our insurance company is recently on our ass to re-roof our home to continue coverage. We recently had to go with another insurance company.
What I spend on hanging onto my moms old home is basically the same money as if I had a nice car payment. (Which I don't). I agree its not ideal. At this point, I have decided to finally sell it, and have been making actual measurable progress towards that as time and money have allowed, but now that's not good enough. My wife has hinted that she reached her breaking point and she's done. She wants to bring someone to liquidate the house and make a cash offer. I feel like we would lose 20-40k by going that option instead of cleaning it out, and selling it ourselves.
The thing is, our whole marriage, we have both together- her included- have not been very financially smart, or responsible. It was HER pushing and spending on the credit cards and demanding vacations etc. that put us badly in debt to start with when we should have been taking care of our expensive home that 'we just had to have'.
Now, she's acting like it's all my fault things arent working. We are close to breakup. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading.