Throwaway acct….
It's been a long struggle for about 2 to 3 years now, but I can't deny anymore that this marriage needs to end. I (43f) have been married to my husband (56m) for 9 yr (together for 10, known him for 19) I can't take the lies, the gas lighting, the sneaking around to follow me, calling me names, accusing me of things I NEVER did… The final straw was 10/17. He raged and screamed at me because he said I put OUR (mutual) friends above him. He said I do everything for them (we are all part of the same religious org) and I don't love him.
I do volunteer a lot. I'm a SAHM (hopefully not much longer) and volunteering in the community makes me feel productive. My husband has always said he wanted to be the provider and I take care of the kids, pets, and home. I had a FT job as a pharmacy tech for the first two years we were married. Two of my kids have disabilities and at one point I was being called to the school more than I was in work, so my husband suggested he be the provider and I be a SAHM. Now he makes fun of me for not having a job.
I have 3 children (all boys) with my ex and no children with my current husband. He has no relationship with them and never has. They are currently 13, 15, and 16. I have sole custody and their dad has not been in the picture since 2016. But my husband never wants to include them in anything. He makes me feel like involving them in stuff is a chore and I can't stand it bc its getting worse as they get older. He MAYBE talks to them once a week and even then its only in passing. He doesn't even know their birthdays.
My husband says the honeymoon phase never ended for him, but I feel like its more like obsession. I have put up a LOT of boundaries over the years but I am just at my wits end. On 10/17 he insisted I was also cheating with one of our mutual friends. He went through EVERYTHING in my phone for over an hour and then got mad when there was nothing out of the ordinary. He has been caught following me while grocery shopping, listening through our household camera to hear who I talk to on the phone… for the first few years of our marriage, I couldn't go anywhere without him without him calling or texting every 30 mins asking what I was doing, when I would be home, and if I loved only him in this world. He makes me 100% responsible for his happiness and that is a HUGE burden to bear from another adult. He has no friends, no hobbies. He never wants to go anywhere unless I'm right by his side. All he wants to to is be with me, and me alone, his every waking minute. Me putting up boundaries has cause SO many arguments and screaming matches.
And the job history… In 9 yrs he has had 38 jobs. Before anyone thinks I was psycho enough to keep track… I was looking at our tax returns to prep for January and it just popped into my head to count the W2's on the tax returns. That's less than 3 months at each place. But he insists on being the provider. Every time I have talked in the last 2-3 yrs about getting a job, he shuts me down. this time I am not listening. I puts applications in everywhere I could walk to…. bc last month we had to sell MY JEEP to get our electric and water turned back on. I am just so done. And I don't even want to think about Christmas. His checking account ( that I do not have access to) is apparently $350 over drafted. That's because last month he quit his job with nothing else lined up so we haven't had any income for the last 3 weeks.
Today, as I am sitting here putting in more applications and looking up food banks, he calls me and is yelling about the checking. Then he really started screaming when I informed him we have yet ANOTHER shut off notice for the water and the internet is being shut off next week. Screaming at me "IDK WTF you want me to do…" ME either fam. Maybe keep a job longer than 3 months? Don't quit one job without having another lined up?
There's so much more I can add but the final straw was finding out he's been secretly recording our arguments to use against me in future arguments. Of course he only every records (or he edits the recordings) to ONLY include what I say. He replayed one snippet two nights ago of me telling him off. I said some choice words. But he failed to record the part where 2 mins before, he screamed in my face that I'm too disgusting to even look at and I deserved to die and rot in he**.
I just can't. I'm finding a job. ANY job. TWO jobs, if I have to, and he just needs to go. (This was my apartment before he moved in.) I don't want to fight. I don't want to play the blame game bc we are both toxic AF together. I don't want anything. I want peace. I'd rather be alone and focus on my children.
I have been asking him to go to individual and marriage counseling for three years and his answer was always that "he doesn't need therapy because he is not the problem". He brought it up recently (two nights ago). No thank you, now. I'm taking all our little red flags, stitching them together, making myself a cape, and flying away from this BS.
If you made it to the bottom, thanks for reading.