I (29f) feel so hurt because my husband (30m) doesn't seem to care about me at all, even though he says he does (I don't believe him honestly).
We’ve been married for nine years and together for ten. It’s been very traumatic and what I’m posting is only a fraction of things that have happened.
I had another asthma attack tonight and the way my husband acted was irritated like usual, instead of helping me.
I had an asthma attack tonight.
My inhaler ran out and I could not breathe. My husband was irritated when I woke him up for the second time telling him I was having an asthma attack. He asked if I had looked for an inhaler in another upstairs room. I was on my own. This is the second time it’s happened in about a week and each time he has blown me off. The first time I had to call an ambulance for myself and I went alone, afraid to wake him up. I have a lot of health struggles. This isn’t the first time he’s ignored a medical emergency. He’s done it since at least 2017. He just acts as though I’m a bother and an inconvenience.
Just three more examples of events that have happened in the past:
-I had a major allergic reaction on at least two occasions to flea bites. We had just visited family and their cat had fleas. I didn’t know I was allergic until that trip and I couldn’t breathe. I was left in bed the first time and the second time I had to drive myself to the ER.
-He left me alone to drive myself to the hospital 3 days after giving birth. I had a 104 fever and was in and out of consciousness. I passed out at one point while he slept next to me after he got angry at me for waking him asking him to call my OBGYN. He angrily turned over and went back to sleep. Shortly afterwards I passed out. When I came to I had to drive myself to the hospital. He didn’t want me to go because of the inconvenience and the fact that he was already tired because of having a newborn. I knew he would give me hell if I called an ambulance and made a scene. It didn’t matter that our insurance covers ambulance rides fully.
-I was actively s*icidal a while ago and have since gotten better because of professional help. I was drinking a lot at the time and wasn’t coping well with having been SAd more than once by two different men since early 2023. I really did not want to live anymore and I KNOW how messed up this is going to sound, but I BEGGED for someone to end it for me or for me to have the “courage” to go through with it. I hated being in my body and wasn’t thinking about anything else really. The mental anguish clouded my entire mind and body.
Well, one night I was really drunk and confessed to my husband that I really wish someone would just put an end to my life. We went to bed and, my memory is hazy, but he put a pillow (or maybe his hand idk) over my face… all I know is it was something that cut off my air supply and he held it down until I almost passed out. I couldn’t break free and was kind of… involuntarily? thrashing around. Then he released the pillow/hand or whatever. I remember sobbing and asking him why he wouldn’t just finish the job. That the world would be better off. He said he wasn’t actually going to do it, he just wanted me to see how it felt. A few days later the memory of that night came back to me and I asked him about it. He said that he was timing it so I wouldn’t actually die. He didn’t really give much more of a reason. No trying to help me get help like calling 988 or trying to talk me down or anything like that.
I just feel like I am an annoying burden and that I’m overreacting when stuff like this happens. I know I struggle with my health, and I have had frequent visits to doctors and hospitals. I can’t help that I have asthma or allergies or chronic UTIs or that I was born with a rare disease… he knew about my struggles when he married me. I guess he didn’t realize how taxing it all gets as time goes by. I have such a hard time with anxiety anytime something serious happens… I feel like I’m overreacting and honestly, it’s not just him who brushes me off. It’s pretty much my whole family because they’ve so used to me having medical issues. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of posting this. Just needed to get SOME of my struggle out there and off my chest . My husband’s reactions to medical emergencies are just one of the many reasons I think he wouldn’t care if I ended up 💀 … or maybe would be relieved if I did ☠️.
I also would like to add:
I am happy to say that I have made it a total of 106 days without alcohol, haven’t felt suicidal in a long time, I have a psychiatrist who has helped me out with medication, and a new therapist who I see for the second time soon. I’m in a much better place mentally, and I think that’s the beginning of actually being strong enough to leave. I’ve tried before once, but it went horribly in almost every way possible. That’s a story for another day though.
I have reported him to the police for S.A. I didn’t have the mental strength to go through with my testimony though, but until then at least there’s something on file.
I’m also in school very part time as I’m a full time mom to two beautiful babies.
After months (maybe longer) of searching for a job that would accommodate my very limited availability, I found a very part time job that is basically an on call job at a school, but hey it’s better than nothing. Daycare waitlists are impossibly long… like years long in the military town where I live. Luckily I was able to find part time care for two days a week for my non school aged child.
I have a separate bank account, and divorce papers have been filled out. I just need the strength, confidence, and courage to physically leave. I’m getting there though. I’m really trying.
My kids deserve better and so do I. I know that logically. I unfortunately have debilitating panic attacks at the idea of leaving though, as I think of all of the things that I wouldn’t be able to afford if I left right now. For example, my husband’s health insurance covers all of our medical expenses and without it, I don’t think I could afford to be alive right now, and my kids need me. We are paycheck to paycheck at the moment , and I’m states away from family/friends. Not that my family, specifically my parents, would be much help… one of my parents was my first abuser. Despite all of that, I’m still kicking and I’m doing my best with the cards I’ve been dealt to keep moving forward.
My kids are my number one motivation. And ya know? So is that hurt little girl inside of me who deserves better.