How do you feel about kissing someone you’re dating (not in a relationship yet, around 3–6 dates in) with tongue/French kissing?
For context: I (24F) come from a culture where we French kiss on a regular basis. Like, I just met you at a party, we like each other, we kiss – there will be tongue. That’s totally normal.
With the American guys I’ve dated, whenever we were making out, there would eventually be tongue too, which felt natural to me since that’s literally how my first kiss even happened. What I’m finding, though, is that these guys usually ended up wanting to escalate and have sex, and I’m looking for a relationship, not a hookup. So I would get annoyed thinking “we’re just kissing, what?”
Sometimes this even happened on a first date when the chemistry was strong and we kissed- they’d get super excited and aroused, and it never clicked with me why. Some even pointed out that I’m “a great kisser.”
After dating/kissing a few guys, I started wondering if it’s the tongue that’s sending the message that I want more. I asked some American girlfriends and they told me it absolutely could be the tongue and even my “technique.”
Mind you, I don’t touch them sexually or anything ,I’m just very passionate about kissing, especially if I’m attracted to them. I think I might have my answer already, but what’s your opinion?
24 comments
I dont mind a little tounge but I will bite a mofo if their tounge goes in my mouth.
If I’m French kissing on a first, second date I would only assume she is into me but until a conversation is had about escalation, foreplay, sex etc I wouldn’t assume she is wanting to hop into bed.
Just out of curiosity, what culture are you from?
Sadly, in my experience, passionate tongue kissing equals they want sex NOW. It’s a constant game of holding back until I’m truly ready because any little encouragement and they are good to go.
In America the culture is not to tongue kiss anyone you’re just dating. The culture here also expects men to escalate and for there to be sex by the 3rd or 4th date if everything is going well. So I don’t think you can blame them for trying to escalate if things are just unfolding naturally
But it is completely on them to respect your boundaries, and if you don’t want to deal with any misunderstandings you can just be like “To be very clear, I only do relationships, I don’t want sex yet, I just have a fire kissing game bc of x culture, you have been warned”
I’m up to 8 dates since 2024, I’ve tongue kissed and had sex with 6 of them on the first date 😆
Once we kiss it’s full make out.
Kissing with your tongue probably signals you’re comfortable with escalating. It does to me
i quite like a passionate kiss for the first kiss lol, not a fan of a peck
Anything can be misconstrued as a “go” signal to a guy if he is not fully considering his actions to you vs his horniness. Some guys are just ignorantly optimistic.
Some guys are more in the moment with you enjoying it and will check in or really understand your signs. They know A doesn’t mean you can go all the way to letter Z
Oh shit. I just realised something.
Well, to be fair, tongue kissing can get people pretty steamy. I’d suggest not doing it, if you’re not planning on hooking up, just to avoid the awkward conversation of letting them down.
My thoughts? It’s 50/50. Either the girl is good at it, or bad at it lol
It’s not really the tongue kissing per se, but the entire approach to “making out” and sex. I am a woman who comes from a sex-positive culture and encounter a similar issue with men in the US. It’s just a general cultural difference. You’ll have to communicate with your partner and be comfortable with explaining expectations, consent, and relationship goals.
I would feel a bit uncomfortable as to me tongue kissing means kind of like the next stage in dating taking on a more serious approach.
Some people prefer less tongue involvement in kissing. It is repulsive for me to be kissed by tongue for the first time. Later just a cute touch would be appealing, but yeah more tongue could be a signal for wanting more specially if the act is very passionate 🙂
Every kiss I’ve had while dating has been with tongue. And it has also turned me on every time. Doesn’t necessarily turn into something sexual, I’m not that kind of guy, I know it doesn’t signal anything, but I can’t deny the physical effect it has on me.
If you don’t kiss with tongue then wtf are you doing? These guys are losers, you’re doing fine.
I don’t understand all these people saying tongue kissing means you want sex. That’s so off. I live a good make out, it absolutely doesn’t mean we are having sex. There’s so many more steps between the 2
But why would someone not want sex?! Sex is great! Kissing is great, passionate kissing is even better!
But to tell you the truth, I think most guys or even girls in my country would expect (if everything goes well) that the correct de sequence would be: flerting > talking > going on a date > kissing (tongue of course) > maybe on this or another date, more kissing + maybe making out > sex > dating on a regular basis > relationship
What I didn’t get is why you are avoiding sex if you are looking for a relationship. I think it’s part of the course
I cant help myself, once you give me tongue im horny lol 😜
It’s perfectly fine to french kiss naked on a bed and still not want sex. And it’s never ok to coerce anyone into sex under any circumstances.
Europe has nudity on TV, and sex isnt present but not shunned. Its just a part of life. But here its shunned and not a part of life in the open. It is a cultural thing I believe. Sex is on TV and in Movies a lot. It sells in American culture. So, a deep kiss, often means sex in that movie or show; It just is. But people don’t conceptualize that it is TV.
In reality though: Men & women should understand that pushing for sex is not mandatory on their part. It seems to be on the woman to tell guys no. Its frustrating as a woman to have to do this!
Men, go on a date and just see how it goes without hinting at getting laid. You are not paying for it by buying dinner. Grow up. Treat ladies like you see them, a person. Thinking you are buying sex with dinner not only makes you look clueless and ignorant 🙄 but misogynistic and makes women feel like cheap hookers, as that is essentially what you are doing.
Its guys I have known, dated, or been friends with who I have talked with.
Stop looking good for sex on 3rd date. Instead follow advice from Steve Harvey (can recall where I saw this, an interview) gave advice to women: give a guy 90 days to prove themselves. Like a warranty with any new item. Test drive that person before making any changes in the relationship.
I thought it was a good “policy” to have. It made sense to me.
Waiting 3-6 dates is fine. Or not. I don’t think it is bad or wrong, but it certainly does amplify the level of passion. Technique might also spark some wishful thinking. Kinda sad if you have to, but maybe just telling dates that kissing doesn’t mean sex is not a bad idea. You could have some free business cards made to declare this expectation and boundary formally and with fancy lettering and pretty colors.
I just call it a make out session and I prefer it. But it turns me on especially if he’s good at it and he’s got his hands over me. But at most he can get me off if he wants but I’m not reciprocating. Cause I’m not making out to do that, I’m just a passionate kisser
No, everyone’s different. There’s no cultural difference in Western societies Europe / North American. I’m officially convinced it’s individual based. Also, I don’t recommend casually kissing anyone even on a date since it can transmit Herpes Simplex Complex. Good luck out there.
PS I’ve heard European men ie (Italian, Spanish, German, etc.) are pretty sleazy and are usually DTF, I’ve been to Europe twice and have dated European men, so I find it being only American to be completely false!
There’s no such thing to me as a French kiss that doesn’t imply sexual chemistry and the trend towards having sex – maybe not now, but rather soon
In the past it was rare to have a date that didn’t end with a woman trying to shove their tongue into my mouth, it’s all fine if it stops there but I don’t think it’s best to rush into escalating things further so early. I’m fine with a kiss but they tended to want more, I was no angel and gave in sometimes but it’s a hollow existence. It’s probably why I’m more selective now as I want my heart to be the driving force behind my passion.
I’ve noticed some prioritize sexual compatibility over personality, whilst I can be an absolute devil with the right person I don’t want that to be the driving force. Giving in too early just weakens the mind and doesn’t allow true feelings to build properly, sometimes the best passion comes from restraint. To be in front of someone & able to hold back even if both are barely able to control themselves- it can truly be like you’re burning inside. If both can get to know each other properly, hold back til the right moment- the result can be transcendent & pure wildfire.