When my husband (36m) and I (25f) started dating, we were both fresh out of serious relationships. His ex of almost a decade immediately fixated on us, stalking my social media, following us around the city, showing up at bars, and even sending things to his apartment. It made me feel insecure and uncomfortable, especially with our age gap and the length of their history. At first he was understanding, but that changed quickly.
We moved in together after a month of dating. I know that sounds fast, I was 22, a hopeless romantic, and it felt magical at the time. But as his ex’s behavior escalated, I fell apart emotionally. I cried a lot, and instead of supporting me, he began getting cold, dismissive, and increasingly rude.
He convinced me to move to his hometown, more than 2 hours away from my family, friends, and job. I left everything behind and ended up isolated. His parents would show up unannounced constantly, and we fought all the time. He began calling me horrible names during arguments, “cunt,” “bitch,” etc. He made me feel like everything wrong in the relationship was my fault. I believed him.
Since I wasn’t working at first, he accused me of being lazy, even though he was the one who encouraged me not to work. When I eventually found a job, he still belittled me. Despite all of this, he proposed after a year of dating. Nothing improved. We tried couples therapy, two sessions, and for no reason at all, he refused to keep going. He went into our marriage saying, “We’ll see if it works.”
After the wedding we moved again because I couldn’t handle being so isolated. But the abuse didn’t stop. This past summer, he physically attacked me after I asked if he was cheating (he had gone on two trips, suddenly became extremely protective of his phone, etc.). A neighbor called the police after I came outside crying and he was arrested. This wasn’t the first time he’d been physically violent, he has pushed me, thrown me, and even put his hands around my neck during fights, including on our honeymoon. I got a TRO but dropped it quickly because I felt guilty.
He promised to work on his anger, and I promised to “be happier.” We tried couples therapy again. After three sessions, he quit again.
Now, four months later, he is still cycling between wanting to leave and wanting me back. He’s been staying in Airbnbs on and off. One day he’s blowing up my phone begging for affection and telling me I need to “do a 180,” be more affectionate, go out with his friends more… but when I say I don’t want to be called names or physically hurt anymore, he becomes defensive or angry.
I feel confused, guilty, and honestly lost. A part of me still wants to fix things, even though another part knows this isn’t normal. I keep thinking maybe if I tried harder, or communicated differently, or didn’t trigger him, things would be better.
I don’t know why I haven’t been able to leave. I feel ashamed admitting all of this. I don’t have many people in my life I can talk to about it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting, trauma-bonded, or just scared.
I guess I need to ask: Is this relationship beyond saving? How do I find the strength or clarity to leave? Has anyone else been in a situation like this?
Any advice or personal experiences would mean a lot.