I was always a shy and insecure person, didn’t date much in high school and thought it would be a problem in college.
I started college during Covid and saw a few people were bisexual, I never thought about finding men attractive but decided to try jerking off to gay porn to see if I could force myself to form an attraction because I knew dating guys was much easier than girls and was desperate to have sex/date.
Jerking off to gay porn was difficult but eventually I was able to kind of enjoy it after forcing myself to only look at it for a while.
In college, I tried normal straight dating but didn’t get any matches. I also had grindr and got tons of attention on there. Freshman year I would frequently come over to gay/bi guys houses to give them head and sometimes let them fuck me. I didn’t really enjoy the acts themselves especially anal but I enjoyed the cuddling/intimacy even though it felt weird that it was with a guy. Guys thought it was weird that I would never get hard in front of them but didn’t think much of it and just let me bottom.
Sophomore/junior year I had straight friends that didn’t know I was doing this and thought I was straight, but I still jerked off to gay porn to “solidify” my gayness. I couldn’t get girls so I wanted to make sure I had another option. I was able to hook up with a girl one time after my friend helped me with DMing but I couldn’t even get hard because of all the porn. I would still go on grindr sometime during this period but much less frequently.
I still have a habit of jerking off to gay porn because of my lack of dating success with girls. It’s much easier for me to jerk off to straight porn but every time I do I feel bad because I’m jerking off to something I’ll never experience in real life, whereas I’ve experienced gay sex many times and started associating it with pleasure. Jerking off to straight porn ruins my plan of converting myself which I’ve tried for 6 years at this point.
I definitely still like girls and don’t know how I feel about guys but struggle accepting I’m not gay because I’ve tried to convert myself for so long. I haven’t hooked up with guys from grindr for a long time because I don’t really enjoy the experience, but I haven’t been able to hook up/date girls either and am just unfulfilled sexually. I’m not sure if it’s better for me to be unfulfilled or to hook up with a gender I’m not attracted to. I feel a lot of shame about what I did and don’t want the cost of what I did to be sunk. I don’t try to date girls as much anymore because of my age and my weird past. I’m sure if any girl knew she wouldn’t be able to get past it.