Constantly reminding myself my marriage isn’t that bad.

I have anxiety. I think that is important to point out because I do tend to over think things. My marriage isn’t awful but it isn’t great either. I feel like I’m constantly self soothing so that this relationship can work. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m not getting my needs met or if my anxiety is getting the best of me.

I think my husband is on the spectrum. He’s not the most affectionate or thoughtful. He gets hyper focused on ideas/ hobbies and prefers to be alone. Social situations are really overwhelming for him. So it’s hard to go on dates because he gets overstimulated and just shuts down. He doesn’t like to spend time with my friends, it makes him incredibly anxious. Most of our quality time is spent at home doing things he can handle. That is a constant pattern with him in all of his relationships (except for our children, thank god).

I just feel like I constantly get the short end of the stick in our relationship. I’m introverted and extroverted so I like my time alone (and can relate to him) but I also like to be social sometimes. I don’t expect my husband to meet all of my needs but it would be nice if he could do some social things with me occasionally. But he just can’t. I think he genuinely feels bad about not being able to do the things I like or spending time with my friends. I don’t think he uses his anxiety as an excuse. I also don’t want to make him miserable pushing him to be the person I need.

This however causes me to spiral. I feel like I constantly have to remind myself he doesn’t dislike me. He’s just wired differently. It’s hard not to take him personally. I do think he’s a good person and he does push himself for our kids. It just makes me upset he won’t push himself a little bit for me. But I’d rather him be there for them and use all of his social battery on them. He does push himself to the limit doing things for our kids. So I just accept it. It’s hard not to compare him to other people. It’s hard to accept him for who he is. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life settling but I also feel like I’m not giving him enough grace. He genuinely can’t help it.

I feel like if I leave him it’s a mistake because he does genuinely love me. But I also feel like I’m working overtime to shut up that nagging voice in the back of my head. It’s exhausting and I’m not sure marriage should be this hard.