Been together for 4 years, but the past year has become very exhausting for me. My wife constantly interprets everything I say or do to be something negative about her. Even if I don't say or do anything, she will pull something out the air and paint it as something negative about her. I'm very supportive towards her. I've always been there for her and taken care of her, but it feels like she has zero self esteem and relies on me to provide it to keep our relationship afloat. It's stressful cos I'm on constant high alert about what I say or do because she might take it the wrong way. I feel burnt out.
Let me give you some examples
- She tells me I keep my friends separate from her by not introducing her to them. She thinks I'm ashamed of her somehow. When the reality is that I have asked her in the past but she has declined. Somehow it doesn't register in her mind.
- I take care of my elderly parents on Sundays. She comes along sometimes so she knows what goes into taking care of my parents looks like (cooking, cleaning, taking them out for exercise). On this particular Sunday she went for a bike ride by herself instead. She had a little accident and bruised her knee. She sent me a pic of it. I didn't have time to reply immediately because I was busy changing my mother's nappy. My mother has alzheimers and I have to bathe and dress her too. My dad has mild dementia and he can be difficult. So after I finished up at my parents, I went home and the first thing my wife blurts out the minute I enter the front door is, "AM I INVISIBLE TO YOU?!!" I felt indignant that she would make such an accusation especially after having endured such a long and gruelling day. I kept calm and asked her what was up. She said I ignored her message and didn't check to see if she was ok after her accident. I tried to explain that I was busy taking care of my parents, but she was angry because I "couldn't take 1 minute" to just acknowledge her message and send her a short sympathetic note. I tried to explain to her how busy my day was and I literally had no time. My explanations seemed futile as she would be dysregulated with tears. Then she'd go to bed sobbing. I'd feel stressed and somehow made to feel guilty. I used to apologize to calm her down, but over time that built up as resentment, so I stopped doing that because I didn't think it was right that I should be accountable for her misinterpretation. And here's the weird thing. After her meltdowns and she's got all her tears out, it's like it never happened and she's back to normal again. It feels like I'm dealing with a 3 year old who's toy was lost or broken.
And that's just it… my wife would have these meltdowns and start crying and getting upset and accuse me of not caring about her etc. And it's exhausting having to explain and justify myself. The first 3 years was easy sailing and we were like two love birds, but the past year these episodes started happening. And they're getting more and more frequent. I'm finding this marriage hard work. Can anyone relate?