I've been dating my girlfriend for about 5 months. This weekend I started feeling really sick – persistent nausea and exhaustion bad enough that I had to call out of work and I'm getting blood work done to check for thyroid issues (runs in my family).
I'm also dealing with a lot of stress because my mom recently had a brain tumor removed, which has been weighing heavily on me.
Saturday night I pushed through not feeling well to go out with her because I wanted to support her. During the outing, I mentioned I wasn't feeling great and the nausea was really bothering me, but I was still engaging and trying to have a good time.
Here's how the text conversation went:
Me: "I'm really sorry about the weekend. I just texted my boss and told him I wouldn't be in tomorrow. Boutta try and eat something"
Her: "you probably should have stayed home if you didn't feel good. i was tryna cheer you up but it did not work"
Me: "I felt fine or at least as fine as I normally do Friday and Saturday morning. You for cheer my up. It's just the nausea that's kicking my ass"
Her: "hopefully it isn't the flu or covid and you just need some vitamins or something"
Me: "Hopefully. I need to get a full panel blood test tho just in case my thyroid is fucked because that runs heavily in my family"
Her: "i've been telling you that being so tired is not normal"
Me: "I know. I just hope I get some type of answer tomorrow"
Her: "hopefully. so you're not being a whiny butt anymore and actually enjoy things"
This really hurt. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said she feels like I "never enjoy things" and am "always complaining." From my perspective, we have fun together – I plan most of our dates, I'm emotionally open with her, and I genuinely enjoy our time together. I might not be radiating enthusiasm because I'm exhausted (I also really hate my job which adds to the stress), but I thought I was still being present and engaged.
The bigger issue is that whenever I try to have a serious conversation about our relationship, she deflects with jokes or noises and won't actually discuss things. So I can't get clarity on what she actually needs from me or what I'm supposedly doing wrong.
Some additional context: My previous relationship (3 years) was with someone who was very inconsiderate of my feelings and had BPD, and I'm cautious about repeating those patterns. We also haven't said "I love you" yet after 5 months.
How do I approach this conversation with her? How can I get her to take a serious discussion seriously instead of deflecting? Is there a way to understand what she means by me "not letting her help" when I feel like I am?
TL;DR: Girlfriend called me "whiny" while I'm dealing with health issues and my mom's recent brain tumor removal. She says I never enjoy things but won't have serious conversations to clarify what she means – just deflects with jokes. How do I address this and get her to communicate clearly about what the actual problem is?