I’ve been married to my husband for 2 years and together for 6. I love him he’s a great man to me but we’ve had a repeated issue with his porn habits.
I’ll admit in the beginning I had an unhealthy view on porn from previous relationships that has since changed after meeting my husband and being in a healthy understanding environment. I want to resolve this issue I don’t want to make him feel bad or uncomfortable or feel shame.
In the beginning of our relationship I looked through his phone one night, which was how I found out he looked very often. After I confronted him we spoke in depth and I found out he had masturbated/watched porn a lot and had also gone to the restroom and watched porn while I slept once. If it happened more than that I don’t know. Along with occasionally looking at only fans accounts on Instagram in public places such as parking lots while doing errand for us. (Not masturbating but he did look).
It caused me major insecurity and I was so hurt that he would choose to watch porn to the extent he was and while I slept instead of having sex with me or even attempting to try with me first. I felt like a second choice I felt disrespected that he was looking in public settings. And that the only fans it accounts felt more real than porn almost. It made me concerned I was lacking in some way and that he was seeking something I couldn’t provide. It was a major problem and fight for us. I got angry and he gets almost sad/afraid of me leaving him. He never got defensive or mad. More like a man that got scared he got caught and came clean.
We spoke after we cooled off and tried to fix things. he’s always been apologetic and understanding, I do believe he’s sincere to some extent. I asked for honesty. I was even open to him looking at porn as long as he was comfortable with me also looking when I felt like it. He refused and said he’d rather we both not look because he “didn’t want to do it anymore” we cried I opened up about how much pain that caused my self image.
Our sex life has always been good we have sex often we’re both open about our likes dislikes and preferences. I don’t feel he’s hiding anything in regards to that. But after refusing to reach an agreement on both of us looking at porn under specific circumstances such as if we’re not having sex, or I’m not interested and he is, no longer looking publicly, or while I sleep, I expressed as long as he communicates with me and it’s a mutual agreement I would be okay with it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with occasionally looking as long as there’s respect and communication with ur partner.
I’m confident I think I’m pretty and I’m content that our relationship is good and that he’s attracted to me but this is starting to cause me to doubt. It’s been about 2 years since our initial conversation. Since then I’ve repeatedly brought up if he wanted to look that it would be fine as long as he communicates and is ok with me also looking again he refused repeatedly. Swore up and down he understood that I felt like a second choice and that he didn’t want to make me feel like he wanted to look at other women etc… all things I appreciated but I didn’t need. Honesty was truly more important to me.
I haven’t looked through his phone since the initial instance because it makes me uncomfortable I don’t want to not trust my partner and not give him the opportunity to be honest. We argued about something small today and it brought up a conversation about lying and I in anger told him I never really believed he hasn’t looked at porn a singular time for 2 years. From the amount he was looking at previously there’s just no way u can go from a constant to 0 cold turkey like that. It’s just logical.
He came clean and admitted to still looking and lying to me every time I asked and knowing it’s selfish for him to not want me to look despite him looking. He showed me his phone, I didn’t want to look. But curiosity got the best of me I didn’t glance very far back but to his credit I will say it’s 1 or 2 times a month now. But I am so unbelievably hurt by the deception. I asked him so many times we spoke calmly and I thought he was honest. This is starting to shatter my trust in him bc if he can lie about something small like this what else can he lie about. I think he regrets it but I’m not sure he’s serious about stopping or being honest.
I’m doubting my marriage I love him but I don’t believe him. And I don’t believe I can reach a resolution that I’ll trust. He seems to not be able to stop and maybe not be able to communicate honestly or even have healthy mutual expectation regarding porn. It’s incredibly unfair in my eyes for him to spare himself of the insecurity of being compared to other men (by me also looking at porn) but he’ll subject me to it easily. Knowing the pain the lying will cause me. I’m wondering if any other couples have dealt with this and maybe found a solution that works for both partners to help re-establish trust.
Is there any hope? Or is this a core issue and red flag I need to consider and re-evaluate my marriage.
I’m sorry if this is long and I’m a bit messy/rambling. This happened recently and I’m still a bit frazzled I told him I needed space until I could think clearly.
Thank you.