I am devastated. I feel like I have been ignoring red flags all along. I’m 29F, my husband is 30M. We’ve been married for a year and together for four. I have caught him lying on several occasions. Each time, I confronted him, and he became defensive and shifted the focus to blaming me for “getting too angry.”
When we started dating, he withheld from me that he had genital herpes for several months. We were having unprotected sex during that time. He eventually told me two to three months into the relationship, expecting I would leave. I told him I was more upset about the delay in telling me than the diagnosis itself. He apologized and said he had been scared to tell me. I let it go.
On our very first date, he told me he was growing weed and had a business selling medical marijuana. I later realized that it wasn’t legal and that he was selling for non-medical purposes, which was illegal in our state at the time. He stopped the business and got a legal job. We agreed that he would stay away from it, and he promised he would.
A year or two into our relationship, I found out he sold weed illegally in another state. It happened once to my knowledge. He tried to hide it but admitted it when I confronted him. We nearly broke up, but I eventually came around. He apologized again and promised he would never lie to me again.
Fast forward: we got married a year ago and started trying for a baby. Since we were no longer using condoms, I asked him to take daily medication to reduce the risk of transmitting herpes to me. I explained to him the serious risks to a fetus if I became infected. He started the medication but kept pausing it, and I repeatedly had to remind him to continue.
About a month ago, I noticed his medication bottles were empty. I kept checking and saw he wasn’t refilling them. Today, I looked again—still empty. When he came home, I asked how long he had been out. He first said a few days. When I pressed him, he said maybe a week, he couldn’t remember. When I asked again, he nervously said two weeks. I then told him I had checked the bottle a month ago. He immediately got defensive and said I should’ve told him then. This is what he always does—he focuses on my reaction instead of apologizing for lying.
He left the room and came back claiming he had already made an appointment to refill the medication. I asked when the appointment was. He said “tomorrow.” I didn’t believe him, and when I asked for proof, I realized he had made the appointment only when he left the room moments earlier. He eventually admitted that.
I told him I want a divorce.
I need validation that I’m not crazy. I come from a culture where divorce is deeply frowned upon, and I know my parents won’t take it well. But I feel like I will ruin my life if I don’t do it now. I think he is a good person, and he only lies to protect his ego. But I don't know that there is a solution other than divorce if I cannot trust him to tell me the truth.