Second and final separation – I’m devastated – TW

It has been a long 11 years for me (30s) and him (40s). 3 kids.

After 3 years of leaving and coming back with no plan, I finally left him for a shelter last November. 2 times of SA and 1 time of leaving bruises on my wrists and arms from restraining me during a bad argument. He was arrested for this. Served probation in batterer classes.

This year I struggled severely with my mental health and was worried he would take my kids from me over it. I was also struggling financially after losing a job. I ended up trying to reconcile with him and (hopefully temporarily) losing my legal aid in the process.

He had moved into my rental for a few months, we did several bouts of marriage therapy, was actively searching for a house and things really started looking up the last two weeks….. until he snapped one day while arguing about houses and starting yelling SHUT UP SHUT UP over and over at the top of his lungs. Lunged at me but grabbed objects to throw around the room instead. Continued his tirade downstairs. Sat on the chair refusing to leave like a child (all in front of our 3 kids). And then while still verbally arguing, I verbally insulted him by comparing him to his mother. He burst out of the chair, picked up a small metal table and lunged like he was going to throw it at me but instead tossed it in the air straight up (old house with high ceilings) and it landed straight down thankfully because my 5 year old son was standing only a few inches away. He could have very very easily gotten hit. In fact I was surprised and super relieved that it fell straight down. You know that feeling you get when Dad tosses baby in the air and there’s a brief, strong fear until he catches baby and laughs? It was sort of like that except the fear couldn’t be laughed off.

I got him out of the rental, he doesn’t have a key (it’s a smart lock thing so even if he made a duplicate it won’t work). I’m only allowing supervised visits at his parents. Of course him and his family think it’s an overreaction, him alternating between begging me to come back and being nasty to me, him mostly refusing to see the kids because of the idea of needing supervised visits, etc.

I’ve reapplied with legal aid and even submitted a report to CPS myself. I got myself a job, am applying for resources etc. I am able to act very fast because I’ve sadly been through this before except he’s never crossed the line of it being around the kids physically until now.

As I started to finally find some moments to rest and process, I’m mostly just so so so sad. There is no real anger left. I used that up the first time I left. Right now it’s just really sad because I really thought he was committed to the marriage therapy, committed to doing better and things really felt different this time. I was falling back in love with the steady, stable man I had thought he was 11 years ago.

Just completely heartbroken. He’s busy texting angry things and all I can do is just be sad reading it. So disappointed. Such a waste. I was starting to fantasize us as a power couple, imagine a future in a big house with happy kids who didn’t have to deal with so much family strife.

Just so sad. Just wanted to share in a community that would understand the heartbreak.