DISCLAIMER: This is my boyfriend’s first relationship, and I’m trying so hard to break through to him. I don’t plan to stay if things don’t work out after our discussion in a few days. But I fear I have fallen into the sunk cost fallacy.
Our relationship is on the rocks currently, I currently live by myself, but would’ve liked for him to move in with me. But he couldn’t because his mom doesn’t want him moving out yet.
A couple weeks ago, I accidentally said “when” we get married and he made it a point to bring up recently about how it made him feel stressed. He once told me, that if we ever lived together he felt like he’d have to take care of me.
And in my head I’m “???” I live on my own, take care of myself. And for the first 2ish years of the relationship I paid for everything because he was bouncing around between jobs. And it’s only recently these past two months IM the one financially struggling.
The breaking point for me was a couple nights ago when I found discounted, grounded turkey. I made a meal prep that would last me a few days, and he accidentally left it out all night, so the cats snacked on it and it went bad on me.
I was extremely upset because that was food I need due to not having any food stamps or anything like that. And he basically shrugged his shoulders and said he’d buy me more, he told me he didn’t see the big deal.
And that following morning, I was making us breakfast while he played league of legends. Listen, I play the game too so I know how it works, I noticed he died in Aram and was on a death timer, I had my hands full of raw bacon and asked him if he could help me with putting it in cling wrap real quick. And he basically threw a temper tantrum at me. And that’s when I asked him to leave.
Is anything here remotely salvageable? How do I get a male to understand my struggles and be there emotionally and committed to me?
37 comments
Your 24 year old boyfriend of 4 years doesn’t want to move in with you because his mommy isn’t ready for an adult man to move out yet.
It sounds like you’re dating a teenager
He’s 24 and can’t move out of his mom’s because “she won’t let him?” Let him go, babe.
He doesn’t want to move out of his moms house and feels like he would have to take care of you if you EVER lived together and you’re talking like you’re definitely going to get married.
Nope, nothing here is salvageable. Best to move on, this wont change
If he doesn’t know that he wants to marry you after four years, he doesn’t want to marry you.
Sounds like his mom is trying to hold onto him as long as she can…
Quite honestly, it sounds like he’s using you to get the things he wants out of a relationship (access to your body and your emotional and financial support) without having to be a decent partner in return. It sounds to me like the kind of girl he wants to be with in the future is one that relies on him, but on his terms. He doesn’t respect you.
Read that back and ask yourself a very important question.
Are you happy?
Because it doesn’t sound like it. A lot of people get stuck in dead end relationship because they feel they need a big dramatic catalyst to end the relationship. You don’t need a fire and brimstone argument, someone doesn’t have to cheat. Most relationships just don’t work out, that is the point of dating.
This honestly sounds like a relationship with 0 value add from your partner. Media has told us we need to fight for love and push through the tough times. Wrong. A healthy relationship is easy because you both bring out the best in the other person.
He doesn’t see value in this relationship. He’s told you exactly how he feels. That isn’t going to change.
Why do you *want* to salvage it? It sounds like y’all aren’t compatible, don’t have the same long-term goals, AND he’s immature and not very pleasant.
– he was broke for years and you picked up his slack
– he plays video games
– his mom tells him what he can and can’t do
– he’s irresponsible
– he doesn’t respect you/take your feelings seriously
– has temper tantrums
– no dating experience
The beginning of the relationship is usually the most FUN, CAREFREE “honeymoon” part. It sounds like this guy has consistently contributed nothing, and is somehow getting even worse! Don’t ruin your life by choosing someone who isn’t, and will never be, your equal.
You already know what you need to do here. The problem isn’t “a male.” It’s him, very specifically.
I don’t even know where to start.. you paid for dates for years because he can’t keep a job. He won’t move in with you because mummy won’t let him. He has tantrums when you ask him for help. He’s stressed at the idea of marrying you. He ruined your food while you are broke and shrugged about it.
Take care of you? Of you?? The audacity of this man child. Nah, get out now.
HAH
Bro he got stressed at the thought of marrying you? After dating you for four years?
He doesn’t like you that much fam.
Don’t put up with this stuff. He’s a child.
You’re never going to find the right person for you when you are stuck wasting time with the wrong one.
be real; do you actually **want** to marry someone whose mommy dictates his life, and who prioritises *league* of all games over breakfast – let alone his girlfriend?
4 years in I would expect that the “where the relationship is going” conversation should have happened so if you’re planning on marriage etc should be sort of known already between you…
Saying when instead of if if it’s never been discussed is maybe jumping the gun a little I guess, but also…
The fact you’re thinking that way surely shouldn’t be a shock to him
Bigger issue here though to me would be that he’s 24 years old and been with you for 4 years but he can’t move out because his mum says so? Like… what? That’s either an excuse because he doesn’t actually want to and isn’t saying or it’s a dynamic you don’t want to tie yourself in to (imo 🤷♀️)
A comment above suggests you might be ready to call it off. I do hope so.
You might feel sad for a bit, but in the long run you are going to feel so much better without his dead weight.
Really think you know the answer but you want validation. So, here it is. The relationship is not salvageable because you’re a functioning adult and he is not.
Honestly. The only thing that would make him worse was physical abuse.
You aren’t dating a man. Dump this child and find an independent man
Just pick someone better.
He’s 24 and His Mother doesn’t want him to move out ?
Have you talked about marriage seriously ? Or did you just assume that was the goal ?
This Mommy’s boy isn’t worth marrying ! It will get worse after marriage.
Wake up lady !
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
He’s not worried about having to take care of you.
He’s worried about having to hold up his end and taking care of *himself*.
Four years is long enough for him to decide whether or not he’s ready to grow up, and he’s not.
When he figures out that you’re done with his nonsense, he’s going to promise to be ready to move out of mommy’s house in a year or two, then, when he does finally move out, he won’t have enough money to hold up his end, he also won’t do his fair share of the chores…
But it’ll be gradual
And before you know it, it’ll be another four years, and possibly a child, and you’ll be wondering how it is that you are somehow doing all of the paying the bills and all of the chores.
And all of the care of everything…
Walk away now.
Ew, leave him.
You have definitely fallen victim to the sunk cost fallacy. But you are barely 23 and clearly unhappy. Don’t waste more time on this guy, find a man who acts like a grown up and is serious about you
The fact that you’re already considering the sunk cost fallacy at your age tells me you’re going to be just fine and don’t need any advice. You know what to do. 🙏
Girl, no.
He’s not on your level. Don’t waste your 20s.
Be glad you’re young. Have some fun, find a real man if you want one……
Drop the mommies boy and go find a man who can make you happy. Be thankful you are recognizing these red flags.
No. There is no where to go with this person. He’s a child, not an adult. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Stop wasting your time.
You are dating a teenager. He may snap out of that in ten years. Or never. Up to you if you care sitting around waiting for a miracle or break up.
He is a child. Move on and find someone who is on the same level
Hes too immature for an adult relationship. Cut your losses.
You lost me at his mommy not wanting him to move out. OP you can do better than this.
If the thought of a future together doesn’t make him deleriously happy, he’s not the one for you!
“his mom doesn’t want him moving out yet.”
That right there is all you need to know where you stand in this relationship. How long before “his mom doesn’t want him to get married yet”, ” his mom doesn’t think it’s time for a baby yet”…