Hello!
I (28f) have been in a 12 year relationship with J (31m) and we have an 8 year old together.
In the beginning of our relationship, we both have come to terms that we were hella toxic.
He has cheated on me multiple times while we were younger and one of those times involved us getting a incurable std due to said cheating but me being young and "in love", kept begging him to stay with me. But the cheating and lies kept coming.
In 2019, I had to move out from staying with him and his mom and I took L with me. She was 1 at the time. I raised her by myself for 5 years. He didnt visit much but when he did, it was mainly to try and get spicy with me, not to see our daughter.
He had her on the weekends while I did doubles for work to try and cover expenses that he didn't help with. (Idk legalities about child support and didnt have money to take him to court anyways. Plus he cant keep a job so he wouldn't be (still isnt) very reliable on financial things).
I got my own place with L and shortly after, J has moved in.
In this time, I was pulling 60 hour weeks at a factory 40 mins away while he stayed home sleeping for 14+ hours a day. L has missed school because he just wouldn't get up. I've had to leave work a few times due to this since I'm the one with a car.
Well, since he's lived with us:
He's lost his car because he wasn't able to make the payments on time
My home is being overtaken by his things, to the point where all of mine is in our bedroom but his is throughout the house.
I am behind on all bills and the money he gets from selling things goes to buying more things to clutter the house.
We have talked many times about what we need from each other. What is needed as a TEAM and as partners.
I feel like im not being heard no matter what is said/done and ive realized that since L and I moved, ive lost feelings for him. I think it really started in 2020. I wanted to make things work but I just cant now. I look at him and I just see pain and I feel angry and annoyed.
He has told me that hes done with what he used to do, that he now just wants me, wants us as a family and to marry me one day.
I don't.
Ive lost interest in sleeping next to him, doing activities with him, anything related to relationships like kissing, touch in all forms, existing in the same room for too long… He just rubs me the wrong way. Like dry skin on microfiber.
I have already attempted to break up and kick him out. But it didnt go well. I know its not my problem but he has nowhere to go. He has one family member in the same state but the rest of the family is in another.
Ive also never seen him cry before. Or many emotions really. Like he didnt even cry when he lost his parents. But when I told him he needed to be out by the end of the school year, he sobbed and begged me to let him stay, saying that hes changed.
Does anyone have advice by chance? I can replay to give more details if needed.
Edit: clarification on the kickout.