So short story long, my boyfriend of 2 years (almost fiancé) is an absolute sweetheart, a total lover boy. So when we first started dating and the sex was very vanilla, I had totally expected it. But here's the thing, outside the bedroom, he has this crazy dominant, take charge personality and super heated temper, he’s confident and strong-willed in everything he does. So I guess I assumed that once we got comfortable and safe with each other, that side of him would naturally come out in the bedroom too (I was wrong).
About 4 months in, he found my Tumblr (where I reblog a lot of rough sex content). He asked me about it, and I I told him straight up that I'm into that kind of thing. I was kind of excited, thinking it would open a door. But after we talked nothing really changed.
Then, a month later maybe, we were making out and he put his hand on the side of my throat. My heart just started racing. I was dying inside, waiting for him to actually choke me, my mind was going a mile a minute thinking YES FINALLY, but he never applied pressure. He just held it there. Later, I brought it up jokingly, like "haha, I really wanted you to choke me earlier". He seemed a little unsure, maybe even slightly uncomfortable, but he also seemed enthusiastic about trying so I figured okay maybe he's just never done this before with anyone else but he’s definitely not against it, so that’s great!!
Over the next few months, he started off super, super hesitant. It felt a little like he was faking it, just going through the motions to make me happy. But over time, he's genuinely gotten more aggressive and confident. I can see the effort, and I know he's completely into it now. He's not faking anymore.
But here's where I'm so confused, it still doesn't do it for me. I don't get that rush. That intense, heart pounding feeling I crave. Even though he's doing everything so right, it feels almost comical? Or unconvincing? And this is the most confusing part because he's literally the most dominant guy I know in everyday life!! Why is there this huge disconnect between his personality outside the bedroom and what I feel inside it?
This feeling, this lack of that specific spark, has been gnawing at me for a few months now. And that’s why I’m panicking. I'm left feeling unsatisfied and disconnected. All this time, I was under the impression that my boredom and dissatisfaction during sex was a me problem. I thought I had a low libido or something was wrong with my ability to connect. It's only very recently that I've connected the dots. My libido is just fine, it's the specific spark that's missing
I keep thinking that with a naturally sexually dominant man, I'd feel that rush, because I constantly have in the past, only difference is I never had to ask before, I only ever had to give permission. Now, I'm missing the feeling that comes with that raw, authentic sexual dominance. I can't just logic my way into feeling a spark that isn't there, even though he's putting in all this effort and I love him so much and it seems like he’s genuinely super into it.
Ugh idk.
I love him so so much and we’re basically engaged but the thought of this being my forever sexual reality is filling me with a low grade kind of dread.
Is this a me problem or a him problem or an us problem? Does this feeling go away? Does it get better with more time and communication, or is this just a compatibility issue?
I just feel confused and unsatisfied in an otherwise great relationship :/ Has anyone else ever felt like this, especially in a committed relationship?