I’m 19 and never had a boyfriend. Sometimes this fact makes me really sad. I go through moods where I get really desperate to feel romantic love. Last night I was in one of these moods and impulsively downloaded Hinge. It honestly made me feel worse about myself for the most part (almost all of my likes were guys in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s, and not the type I’d ever go for anyway), but I actually got a like from a guy in my age group who goes to my college and is decently attractive. I want to match with him but the thought of actually having a lover makes me feel sick and embarrassed.
I know this doesn’t make any sense, but frequently I feel these things at the same time. I really love the idea of love. I am a sucker for romantic books and movies. But whenever I am actually approached romantically in real life, I clam up. The first time a boy asked me out, I ran into my friend’s house and cried. Another time I made friends with this guy and we got along really well, but after he invited me to his house I felt overwhelmed with a sense of disgust toward him. Part of this is a sense of guilt. Being in a relationship would kind of cast a wall between me and my friends, who are all single, and family. Someone new would take up the #1 slot in my life, which is weird to think about. But I also kind of feel repulsed at the thought of being intimate with someone sexually or emotionally. I don’t think I’m asexual because I do get horny, so I don’t know why this happens.