My husband and I just had a baby and have been married for 2 years. My husband is a very kind and selfless person and does a lot for me. However, whenever I bring up an issue (whether calm or angry but not yelling), he will say “you’re hurting me right now” or “you’re abusive” or “you’re using me as a punching bag” when I’m simply expressing my feelings. I don’t know if this is true based on the situations. For context, my family is very toxic in many ways (verbally abusive to me at times) but they are almost always nice to him and have done a lot to help us with baby clothes and furniture. Here are some examples of these situations either him:

  1. My mom and aunt (who raised me) traveled 2 hours on the train from upstate + subway to visit the baby in the hospital and stayed at our apartment for a night when he was with me. My mom has COPD and walking long distances is hard for her. They asked if they could stay another night and I said I’d ask him, and he freaked out saying he needed to clean and didn’t want to be around them, even though he’d be in the bedroom and they’d be in our large living room and they wouldn’t be offended if he went into the other room. So I had to tell my mom and aunt to go home to respect his wishes and I felt guilty.

  2. I didn’t want his mother to stay over so soon after the birth but he got upset at that so I allowed her and his dad to. He told me she’d stay for 2 weeks but then after a week let me know she had no return flight without consulting me. When I told him that this hurt me (and had issues with her being passive aggressive/controlling over the baby), he told me I was hurting him and using him as a punching bag. She stayed for 5 weeks and for the most part it was hard for me/uncomfortable which is EXACTLY what I told him I was afraid would happen.

  3. I told him I’m uncomfortable with him seeing his cousin who just took a plane, even outside with a mask. I’m having postpartum anxiety and germophobia and I am about extreme about it. He said I was just siding with my aunt who freaked out over text at me that it was unsafe, but I also felt that way. He said that me and my aunt could “go fuck off and have a nice life.” He apologized and didn’t meet his cousin.

There are other examples how when I express my opinion he says I’m hurting him or being abusive or he starts crying. I have a bad temper but am actively working on it for us and the baby. I have not raised my voice at anyone in months even before she was born. But I still feel guilty for him saying these things.

Am I wrong or is HE the one being emotionally abusive?


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