My (30F) husband (31M) have been married for a year. Husband is high functioning autistic (iykyk). The past year has been pretty difficult with figuring out our living situation (we weren’t able to live together for the past couple years due to jobs taking us to different cities) but we did live together for 1.5 years prior to moving back in together this year. We both had really worked on ourselves after I had to move away for my job, we found our own hobbies and were able to have an overall pretty healthy relationship long distance. There were a few hiccups here and there that would result in us not talking for a couple days (he would not talk to me, I would try to communicate). The arguments would occur around dumb things like him not agreeing with something I said about an opinion I have.
Fast forward to now, we’ve been living together for a few months. The first month was great and we were getting along, figuring out what it’s like to live with each other again. When in the second month, he started to pick at me, he gets triggered by the smallest of things (ex. I would leave one spoon in the sink and he’d say I was messy). A couple months ago he found a pill bottle from a prior mental health prescription and said I was mentally unhealthy and he wanted a divorce, I tried to explain to him that it was necessary to take at that time in my life but they weren’t taken recently and he would not listen and stormed off. More recently he has started to call me a retard when I disappoint him, I made a decision to go to HR over a situation at work and he blew up once he found out I did and asked me if I was a retard. I’ve asked him to stop calling me a retard but it has continued for a couple months. Every time we get into an argument he will sleep on the couch for 3-5 days and this usually happens weekly. He’ll come back to our bed when he decides he’s done with the argument and I just accept him back wanting no more issues. He works a very stressful job and I’ve noticed him becoming more burned out which has increased his anger and decreased his patience. He also has stopped partaking in his hobbies and sits on his computer gaming for 6+ hours a day.
Throughout all our arguments, he says I’m the problem and that he’s not going to be doing anything for our marriage until I prove to him I can do what he says (he wants me to initiate intimacy more and spend a lot more time with him). He won’t initiate sex anymore and pretty much just treats me like a roommate. Mind you he scolds me daily like a child, anything I say or do is up for discussion with him, I can’t get away with even making my own decisions at work anymore. I’m pretty burned out from the continuous disrespect and I just don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like I can’t initiate intimacy with him when he treats me like I’m lesser than and when I get time to myself i don’t think about spending time with him because I don’t really get any time outside of work to relax and reset so I just want to mindlessly scroll on my phone or read.
Is there any advice on where I can go from here, any books or videos that can be recommended to revive our marriage and sex life? Does any of the above sound like abuse, I ask because when I say I feel like he’s verbally abusing me he says that’s not abuse (idk what to believe anymore). Any books I could encourage him to read that have helped in your life? Anyone have any experience negotiating with high functioning autistic husband? He’s already said he won’t go to therapy and I’m worried if I did get him to go he would use anything I say against me down the line. I really love him and I just want us to change for the better, so please don’t encourage divorce.