I need to get this off my chest because it’s really been weighing heavily on me lately. My wife and I have been married for nine years, but honestly, for the last seven of those years, I’ve felt incredibly lonely within the marriage.
The physical affection between us has just slowly, painfully dwindled away. It’s gotten to the point where we might be intimate once a month, if that. It’s confusing because she still wants to cuddle sometimes—she wants that closeness on her terms—but real passion? It’s gone. Even trying to kiss her feels like navigating a minefield; she gets irritated so easily that I’ve almost stopped trying altogether just to avoid the rejection.
I’ve tried so many times to bridge that gap, both physically and emotionally. But whenever I try to gently open up about how disconnected I feel, she completely brushes me off. She makes me feel like I’m crazy, telling me it’s all in my head or that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. It’s incredibly invalidating to have your reality denied like that.
When you get shut down constantly, you start blaming yourself. I went through a phase of obsessing over my hygiene—showering twice a day, constantly brushing my teeth—thinking maybe I repulsed her. Then I thought, am I failing as a husband or father? But I genuinely bust my hump every day. I do the chores, I’m deeply involved with our nine-year-old son, and I try to make sure her needs are met before my own. I’m pouring so much love into her hoping it will bounce back to me, but the well is dry.
To make matters worse, about three years ago, another wall went up. She just stopped checking in. She doesn't update me on where she is or what she’s doing. It feels like I always have to chase her for basic information just to know she’s safe. It feels less like a partnership and more like we’re leading parallel lives.
Honestly, I’m at a breaking point. I’m constantly questioning my own worth now. What is so wrong with me that my own wife doesn't want me? Am I being too needy? I’ve never tried to control her; I want her to enjoy her life. But her silence and distance are starting to mess with my head. I’m beginning to believe her—that I’m the problem, and that her cold approach to our marriage is normal.
And here is the part that truly spins my head around: despite the total lack of physical connection, she still does thoughtful things on the surface. She buys me gifts that remind her of me. She plans our vacations and organizes dinners. On paper, it looks like she cares. But those feel like the administrative tasks of a marriage, not acts of passion or deep love. It just doesn't make sense. Because when it’s just the two of us—when it’s supposed to be actual "us time"—I get this overwhelming, heartbreaking feeling that she’s just not that into me anymore.