Husband (46) doesn't seem to love me(33). I would like opinions on if I am being overly sensitive.
We've been married 8 years together 9. I feel the first half of our marriage was ok. We didnt connect deeply emotionally. He did a lot of passifying me. I was a bit immature and selfish in ways. We didn't have a dishwasher one whole year and he washed them by hand most the time and I didnt. We both worked full time, I mainly cooked and I did all the cleaning. No big deal to me, big deal to him. I didn't know it was until 3 years later. When we got in a fight I came from a very assertive family. I would yell and speak my mind, want to hash it out until its fixed. He just told me what I wanted to hear. Never meant it, never changed. And young me just didnt realize he was doing that until several years in. Then I didnt fight as often and just took my mother's advice that hes a quiet one.
Then the affair came. I pregnant with our daughter (3) our youngest. Someone text me he was having an affair and he lied. Denied. Watched me go through this crazy pain and distrust postpartum with postpartum hormones while he continued it and I just trusted he wasnt lying to me. Thats hard to forgive.
Then he said he wanted to stay we would do the work. Well the last 2.5 years have been so hard. I am trying to connect emotionally, initiate sex more, no yelling just calm tones when there is a disagreement. But meanwhile he has seemed less loving, less into sex, seriously making me question if he loves me. I have some health issues going on, adrenal wise from all the stress. And told him I had an appointment he didnt ask how it was end of day, bring up I have some labs to do again and he just goes ok. His reason later was he didn't forget he was just to tired to ask. He then later in therapy said he did ask about my day when he got home and so I should have known he meant the dr apt and I just said fine so he took that as it. He asks me every day how my day is since therapy and he either zones into his phone or tunes me out that I just quit really responding.
Ive been sick like hacking so I cant breathe, he doesnt even have the decency when im done to ask if I am OK, if I need anything. I've been sick a week normally its 24 hrs so the lack of concern with everhthing combined kind of got to me. I said you could ask if I am OK, so he makes a point to ask me the next time 5 different ways while I am coughing so hard just trying to catch my breath.
He doesnt say sorry after a fight. He constantly thinks I just keep winning. I say I am not wanting to win, just have us get through and understand each other, communicate. Cause honestly every fight feels like I am losing. Less love, less care. I just want to quit bringing anything up because its always a fight. But I keep trying. Keep expecting one day for it to be different.
When we fight he gets very defensive. I keep telling him I dont feel loved and he doesnt even try to understand. He just acts annoyed.
This evening with our fight I told him how I wanted somebody in a relationship to treat me. Using somebody I guess triggered him. I wasnt thinking anyone else but he said (which hes said before) then I need to go find somebody else. Which really hurt and I snapped at him and told him he wasnt my only option so say it again and I will. ( I dont have any other options, but I dont feel if this marriage failed I would be single for the rest of my life unless I chose it) I went downstairs and he starts making dinner and dishes the kids up and himself, this point i am upstairs in the living room and I just started crying. I make dinners 97% of the time, I think 3 times in 9 years I havent dished him up when mad. And asked him if he just wanted to take the kids to his mom's this week himself. Then he got pissed off and dishes me up but at this point you add all this in and I just dont see my husband anymore. I dont even see him being kind a decent to me like you would just another person.
I dont know what to do? I dont want to give up but I am to a point how do I keep staying. These are little things but when its like this with this same conversation in therapy and out and I see no change in him. I feel like its him saying he doesnt love me but doesnt want to leave what's easy.