Ok I feel self conscious about this but I (35 straight F) am a bit traumatized/repressed sexually. I have only had one sexual partner in my life who I have left because they were very abusive. They kind of damaged me emotionally and sexually and I am not ready to engage in physical intimacy with anyone at this point. They never let me engage in self play during the marriage and demanded I do all sorts of things that I wasn’t ready for. So I grew to kind of hate sex in general.
The problem is I have a healthy libido and enjoy reading spicy Romantasy books to get turned on.
when I do read the spicy scenes in whatever book I am reading I am not sure what to do with that energy. I have tried using my hand to do some things but I have found without the physical touch of a partner I can’t climax. I ordered a vibrator to try and use since I have gotten off with vibrators before with the help of my ex spouse. Does anyone have any suggestions about things I could do to help with the climaxing? I should mention that I climaxed very rarely with my partner and I haven’t had an orgasm in over 8months and the last time was very traumatizing. When I have climaxed it was 9 times out of 10 it was just a little blip not even worth all the effort of trying to chase it.
Anyway any ideas/tips would be appreciated. I really want to learn to enjoy sex and figure out what I am into now that I am free to explore that.
Thanks